Ok this is my dilemma. I just had a baby and everything went well and I am fine and so is she. I was happy and fully content because I had a beautiful daughter and a man who loves her and me. We have been together for three years, though its been a rocky road, we have managed to pull through. I am in college but he is not yet, he works and provides as much as he can. He starts college in december. He is African American but I am Nigerian, specifically, Yoruba. My parents want nothing to do with him because to them he is nothing but an Akata. I have tried my best to let them understand but they are adamant and are stuck to their opinion. Anyway, when i was discharged from the hospital, he wanted his family and i to sit down and have a talk on this situation but my parents refused, saying they want nothing to do with bastards, murderers , robbers, and ghetto idiots. So that didn't happen. Then they told me to kick him out of my life and my daughter's and at first I refused. But then i changed my mind because as a Nigerian born and bred, i was told never to disobey my parents and i have followed that rule for a while now. However, this is getting out of hand, they have taken complete control of my life. I had a name picked out for her and they didnt like it so they told me to change it. Her father has not seen for a whole week and hes going crazy. We are both still young, 20 years old so there is not much we can do for her. My parents have offered their financial support and help but only if i kick out my life forever and ever. They said we should break up and i should tell him to go away and go find someone else to have a baby with. They believe if we stay together, my life will be ruined and so would my daughter's. He is not having it, he wants to be a part of her life but because of our financial situation, my parents have gained the upperhand and whatever they say goes because i do need their support. They have given me an ultimatum and its either i stay with him and raise our child together and forget that i have parents or i leave him and never allow him to see his daughter and stick with my family. But what am i supposed to do? Am i supposed to let my duaghter grow up without her father who loves her to death and wants to be there for her? Or am i supposed to stay with my parents because they have the means to support me and her? I am a TRUE nigerian and i love and respect my parents wholeheartedly. I dont want to bring them into shame or sadness but i am not sure i can live with myself knowing that i kicked a man who was willing to take responsibility for his daughter. Please help, What should I do?
Posted: at 10-04-2009 08:32 PM (15 years ago) | Newbie
methodman at 10-04-2009 10:01 PM (15 years ago) (m)
U've a life 2 live & ur parents ve theirs."No condition is permanent" as a grown-up, u should be allowed 2 make choices & take responsiblity 4 ur actions.
Parents should rather offer thier advise and not force u against a desired wish.
That u don't ve enough money 2 get around now doesn't mean things will always be that way.
Also,ur parents should think abt ur own happiness rather than being "selfish"/ over protecting.
Posted: at 10-04-2009 10:01 PM (15 years ago) | Upcoming
IfeBus88 at 10-04-2009 10:12 PM (15 years ago) (f)
i know i should make my own choices and i am ready to do that. But there is that Nigerian training ingrained in me and i cant seem to get past it, i dont want to disrespect them. i am not a child anymore, plus i have a child to worry about now too. perhaps i should just make the choice thats in my heart and stay with my child's father.
Posted: at 10-04-2009 10:12 PM (15 years ago) | Newbie
U're a grown up, but most importantly a mother. And pls push dat Nigerian tin of pleasing ur parents against ur own self aside, bcos now u also hve 2 tink of ur daughter. They may wish u well, but ur life is urs & Whatever decision u make u & ur baby wil bear d consequence. This life is too short to let others dictate 4 us. I'm nt asking u 2 disobey ur parents, bt rather follow ur heart & stop making money an issue. They're ur parent s & if dey truly love u, i doubt dey'l want 2 c u & deir grandchild suffer irrespective of whatever decision u take. Gdluck
Posted: at 11-04-2009 12:37 AM (15 years ago) | Newbie
erikaakpan at 11-04-2009 01:04 AM (15 years ago) (f)
even though ur parents are supporting u and ur baby that doesnt mean thats their child. YOU are the MOTHER. if the father wants to be apart of the babies life then he as to be. if ur parents disown u for that then at least you would know you have done the right thing. yeah, you are a true nigerian but there are boundaries. if it was me i would takes that risk of my parents anger or shame just as long as i know the father of my child would be there for US. maybe ur financial problems would get better if u and the father would work hard at making this problem work. if the 2 of u work together anything is possible. i wish u the best!
Flirtation: Attention without intention.
Posted: at 11-04-2009 01:04 AM (15 years ago) | Gistmaniac
Beautydiva at 11-04-2009 01:20 AM (15 years ago) (f)
Ur parents can't live ur life 4 u. Allow ur baby's dad 2 play an active part in ur child's life as he is willing. Forget about tradition and ur thinking dat u r disobeying them. U r not. U r only taking d best decision in d interest of ur life.
Posted: at 11-04-2009 01:20 AM (15 years ago) | Upcoming
IfeBus88 at 11-04-2009 01:24 AM (15 years ago) (f)
Quote from: erikaakpan on 11-04-2009 01:04 AM
even though ur parents are supporting u and ur baby that doesnt mean thats their child. YOU are the MOTHER. if the father wants to be apart of the babies life then he as to be. if ur parents disown u for that then at least you would know you have done the right thing. yeah, you are a true nigerian but there are boundaries. if it was me i would takes that risk of my parents anger or shame just as long as i know the father of my child would be there for US. maybe ur financial problems would get better if u and the father would work hard at making this problem work. if the 2 of u work together anything is possible. i wish u the best!
thanks! you are right, i trust that he will be there for us. and i only have a semester left in college and i will have my bachelor's degree so i dont even plan for the financial problem to last long.
Posted: at 11-04-2009 01:24 AM (15 years ago) | Newbie
erikaakpan at 11-04-2009 01:27 AM (15 years ago) (f)
Quote from: IfeBus88 on 11-04-2009 01:24 AM
Quote from: erikaakpan on 11-04-2009 01:04 AM
even though ur parents are supporting u and ur baby that doesnt mean thats their child. YOU are the MOTHER. if the father wants to be apart of the babies life then he as to be. if ur parents disown u for that then at least you would know you have done the right thing. yeah, you are a true nigerian but there are boundaries. if it was me i would takes that risk of my parents anger or shame just as long as i know the father of my child would be there for US. maybe ur financial problems would get better if u and the father would work hard at making this problem work. if the 2 of u work together anything is possible. i wish u the best!
thanks! you are right, i trust that he will be there for us. and i only have a semester left in college and i will have my bachelor's degree so i dont even plan for the financial problem to last long.
Congrats girl! everything will work out for the best in Jesus name!
Flirtation: Attention without intention.
Posted: at 11-04-2009 01:27 AM (15 years ago) | Gistmaniac
my dear, I understand how u are feelyn, just keep him out of the family house, while u continue talking with ur parents, especially ur mum, try wining her heart then she will help u convince ur dad. dnt give up ok, cos u need him n the baby. i wish u the best
Posted: at 11-04-2009 11:38 AM (15 years ago) | Gistmaniac
IfeBus88 at 11-04-2009 02:30 PM (15 years ago) (f)
Quote from: rbest on 11-04-2009 11:38 AM
my dear, I understand how u are feelyn, just keep him out of the family house, while u continue talking with ur parents, especially ur mum, try wining her heart then she will help u convince ur dad. dnt give up ok, cos u need him n the baby. i wish u the best
thanks, i just wish it was that easy. my parents are not the relenting type so unless her father becomes nigerian overnight, there is nothing in the world that can change their mind. plus, i am not allowed to talk about her father at our house because to them, he is quite irrelevant.
Posted: at 11-04-2009 02:30 PM (15 years ago) | Newbie
Recoverd at 12-04-2009 12:21 AM (15 years ago) (f)
Am really really sori 2say dis bt i think this WHOLE TIN is STUPID. Hw cn u say ur parents wont let d fada of ur child c hs dauta?...N wat is all dis nigerian training BULLSHT ur talkin of? Fine, it is good to obey ur parents bt theirs a limit 2which a child cn take 4rm hs folks especialy wen it is obvious they r wrong. They hav livd their lives my dear..U r nw a mother n they wont even let u name ur own child! HABA! Hw about d parents of ur childs fada? Wat r they sayin or doin abt dis? U hav to let ur parents know dat ur nw big enuf 2make ur own desicions. DONT LET URSELF B A PUPPET IN THEIR HANDS.
Posted: at 12-04-2009 12:21 AM (15 years ago) | Gistmaniac
IfeBus88 at 12-04-2009 01:04 AM (15 years ago) (f)
Quote from: Recoverd on 12-04-2009 12:21 AM
Am really really sori 2say dis bt i think this WHOLE TIN is STUPID. Hw cn u say ur parents wont let d fada of ur child c hs dauta?...N wat is all dis nigerian training BULLSHT ur talkin of? Fine, it is good to obey ur parents bt theirs a limit 2which a child cn take 4rm hs folks especialy wen it is obvious they r wrong. They hav livd their lives my dear..U r nw a mother n they wont even let u name ur own child! HABA! Hw about d parents of ur childs fada? Wat r they sayin or doin abt dis? U hav to let ur parents know dat ur nw big enuf 2make ur own desicions. DONT LET URSELF B A PUPPET IN THEIR HANDS.
I think it is stupid as well but it seems i have no choice. they feel that if i'm stupid enough to have a child at the age of 20 while still in college then i am not smart or old enough to make my own choices, so they must make them for me. and as for his family, they have tried their best to show them they are good people but there is nothing much else for them to do. they are not as well to do as my parents and they are also African Americans, which makes it worse and as a result, my parents feel like they can walk all over them anyhow. Just recently, my boyfriend's mother came over our house to see her granddaughter and bring her baby stuff, my father would not even let her enter, he insulted her and told her to go away. then he came back to verbally attack me for inviting her over, called me all sorts of names and all i could do was cry. he believes african americans are all killers, saying now she knows where we live and can come kill us at anytime. its all ridiculous, i know!but what can i do? should i leave and have them hate me forever? or should i stay and have him hate me forever and have my daughter never know her biological father?
Posted: at 12-04-2009 01:04 AM (15 years ago) | Newbie
Recoverd at 12-04-2009 02:32 AM (15 years ago) (f)
On d oda hand, it culd b that they r stil vry upset abt u having a child...Which parent wil b glad? In dat case,They wil calm down n reason later bt, it culd also b that they wont change their minds n might even end up sendin u far away to futher ur education n raise ur own dauta as theirs hereby making hr see u as a sister. It hapns! The way i c u i doubt u cn go against ur parents wish. Thank God shs stil a baby..U n d fada shld try complete ur education n get a job so u cn care 4hr( even if u break up)
Posted: at 12-04-2009 02:32 AM (15 years ago) | Gistmaniac
IfeBus88 at 12-04-2009 02:39 AM (15 years ago) (f)
Quote from: Recoverd on 12-04-2009 02:32 AM
On d oda hand, it culd b that they r stil vry upset abt u having a child...Which parent wil b glad? In dat case,They wil calm down n reason later bt, it culd also b that they wont change their minds n might even end up sendin u far away to futher ur education n raise ur own dauta as theirs hereby making hr see u as a sister. It hapns! The way i c u i doubt u cn go against ur parents wish. Thank God shs stil a baby..U n d fada shld try complete ur education n get a job so u cn care 4hr( even if u break up)
no they are over me having a child, they accept and love her just not her father. they dont want him in the picture at all, they would love for him to disappear forever and ever. and they cant send me away, i have a semester left to finish my degree.
Posted: at 12-04-2009 02:39 AM (15 years ago) | Newbie
Recoverd at 12-04-2009 02:55 AM (15 years ago) (f)
Then wat r we talkin abt here? TAKE UR CHILD AND LIVE!....DONT LET THEM INTIMIDATE U. I bet u they wil com pleading. When ur 2ru wit sch or wen u fil its right call them n tell them ur mind...If they stil wont listen n acept d fada, LIVE!
Posted: at 12-04-2009 02:55 AM (15 years ago) | Gistmaniac
IfeBus88 at 12-04-2009 05:10 AM (15 years ago) (f)
Quote from: Recoverd on 12-04-2009 02:55 AM
Then wat r we talkin abt here? TAKE UR CHILD AND LIVE!....DONT LET THEM INTIMIDATE U. I bet u they wil com pleading. When ur 2ru wit sch or wen u fil its right call them n tell them ur mind...If they stil wont listen n acept d fada, LIVE!
lol, u are right. but they think i would never get my degree and never become anything if i stay with him. they think he will knock me up again, then hold me back and he will never work while i will be the one bringing home the bacon and we will have like ten kids and live on welfare the rest of our lives. i was like, ok sure, since i dont have a mind or brain of my own and i would let a man run my life. just because i got pregnant does not mean thats the end of me. shoot, i attended all my classes till the day my baby was due and everyone thought i was crazy and i worked till a week before she arrived. i am not lazy or stupid, keeping her and having her is the best thing i have ever done. its the first time i took charge of my life and did something for myself and not for my parents. they wanted me to abort her and i refused because i just couldn't and they were more concerned about how the baby will make them look amongst the nigerian community here. jeez, i dont know what the problem is and i dont care anymore, i am gone, wish me luck and pray for me please!!
Posted: at 12-04-2009 05:10 AM (15 years ago) | Newbie
caseycute at 12-04-2009 08:43 AM (15 years ago) (f)
o girl y wld u allpw ur parents to decide 4 u...dats ur babies father and bcos he is African-American dnt me he isn't human.. sumtimes i get angry ova dis parent thing...since ur old enuf to ave sex n decide with who...i think u shld sit d parents down n tell them dat the baby deserves the father...didn't finish reading this but am sure u can talk them out of it. GOODLUCK
Posted: at 12-04-2009 08:43 AM (15 years ago) | Upcoming
IfeBus88 at 12-04-2009 09:33 AM (15 years ago) (f)
Quote from: caseycute on 12-04-2009 08:43 AM
o girl y wld u allpw ur parents to decide 4 u...dats ur babies father and bcos he is African-American dnt me he isn't human.. sumtimes i get angry ova dis parent thing...since ur old enuf to ave sex n decide with who...i think u shld sit d parents down n tell them dat the baby deserves the father...didn't finish reading this but am sure u can talk them out of it. GOODLUCK
oh there is no sitting down and talking with my parents about it. my dad almost slapped me when i told them not all African Americans were bad. he thinks they are all the same, stupid, lazy, drug dealing, killing fools who have nothing going for them. i am not even allowed to say his name at the house or i will be verbally attacked.
Posted: at 12-04-2009 09:33 AM (15 years ago) | Newbie
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