Don't Share Your Marital Woes With Friends They Will Talk You Into Divorce

at 03:09 PM, 11/10/2012 (5 years ago)
(350 | Upcoming) (m)
You know who your friends are when you’re going through a relationship crisis. Maybe your husband is coming up to 40 and has started acting strangely; perhaps you’ve caught him texting another woman; or, worst of all, he’s threatening to leave you and break up the family.



Whatever the circumstances, it’s only being able to phone a friend or chat with the girls over a glass of wine that stops you from going round the bend.

However, after almost 30 years working as a marital therapist, I’ve become convinced that, while men don’t have enough friends or emotional support, women can have far too many and too much.

In fact, my heart sinks when a new female client tells me her ‘friends have been wonderful’ because time and time again, while she thinks they’ve been helping her save her relationship, they’ve been fanning the flames or even throwing petrol on the fire.

EXAMPLE

Charlotte, 48, who chairs the board of governors at a school in Kent, sought my help when her husband David, 47, announced out of the blue that he didn’t love her any more, saw no future in their marriage and wanted to rent a flat in the next town, away from her and their three children.

‘You’ll never guess what he’s done now,’ she said as she sat down in my office, in the same tone I imagined her speaking to friends. ‘He’s bought our 12-year-old some trashy heels. He knows I don’t approve and he’d have been the first to complain if I got her a small top or anything else he considered inappropriate, but since we’ve separated, he’ll do anything to curry favour.’

When Charlotte finished cataloguing the ways her husband had let her down, I asked her to reflect on why he might have behaved like this. She became more thoughtful.

‘He’s not used to disciplining the children, as he’s left that up to me, and he’s frightened of alienating the girls, so he’s a pushover.’



Her friends hadn’t been so understanding: they just matched her initial outrage and told her she should return the shoes. She hadn’t yet done that, and as we talked she admitted that it would escalate the problem, so instead she decided to discuss it with her husband.
That’s what she did, he apologised and they were beginning to communicate better. Charlotte told me that she was relieved she hadn’t listened to her friends.

However, a few weeks later, she discovered her husband was using their temporary separation not to ‘get his head straight’, as he had told her, but to date another woman. Once again, it seemed her friends were a vital support system.

When her internet trawl discovered new evidence about her rival, she would call friends at all hours. ‘I’ll find a new picture of her on Facebook and I’ll be so incensed I pick up the phone to a friend to analyse what it means,’ she told me.

Unfortunately, going over all the minutiae with your friends is more likely to pump up your distress, make you feel angrier and betrayed, and more likely to fire off a late-night text or email — as it did with Charlotte.

In her case, goaded on by her friend, she sent a message to the other woman. ‘I thought she should know just what she was doing to my family,’ she explained. ‘But it totally backfired. All I did was push my husband and her closer together.’

One problem with confiding in friends about your marital problems is that you often give them a very one-sided account of the situation — and thus get a skewed response.



FIVE STEPS TO SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE
When you’re in a hole, stop digging. Under pressure, we tend to try the same failed strategy again and again. Even though we know pushing for an answer, getting angry or going silent doesn’t work, we imagine doing it one more time (but bigger, louder or for longer) will
change things. It won’t.

Stop playing tit for tat. He does something horrible and you match him. Soon it’s become a race to the bottom.
Just for a second, put your feelings to one side and step in your partner’s shoes. How does your relationship look now and what would you like to do differently?

Make a full apology. This is different from saying sorry. First, acknowledge any behaviour that you regret; next, identify how this might have made him feel, and then apologise. Please don’t explain why you acted as you did — that’s for another day — because it can sound like an excuse and lessen the power of your apology.

Be the big one. If you love your husband — and if not, why are you spending hours talking about him to your girlfriends — do you love him enough to give without any expectation (in the short term) of getting anything back?




Perhaps it is not surprising we urge our friends to take the same path as us because, when it comes down to it, everybody questions whether they’ve made the right choices and having friends come to similar conclusions is reassuring.

So while it’s fine to occasionally talk to your friends about your relationship, instead of talking about the man in your life, you should be really be talking and — even more importantly — listening to him.

dickman2 at 04:53 PM, 11/10/2012 (5 years ago)
(34402 | Addicted Hero) (m)
 Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh?
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Neglito at 05:11 PM, 11/10/2012 (5 years ago)
(4204 | Gistmaniac) (m)
One thing I have come to realize as a man is, women in most cases are responsible for the collapse of their relationships with men without knowing it. e.g When a woman is angry at her husband based on what she heard about him, she will not take her time to find out if it's true or not rather she'll pounce on him upon returning home and quite often using so much abusive words. This sort of action destroys rather than repair.
Reply
sophiebaby at 05:23 PM, 11/10/2012 (5 years ago)
(31070 | Addicted Hero) (f)
 Kiss Kiss Kiss Kiss Kiss neglito..A.K.A... ponki master

Reply
bigdad95 at 05:26 PM, 11/10/2012 (5 years ago)
(487 | Upcoming) (m)
nice one
Reply
sophiebaby at 05:33 PM, 11/10/2012 (5 years ago)
(31070 | Addicted Hero) (f)
yes oooo..poster tell us again... infact tear our heads and put this stuff inside

Reply
Garethhills at 06:36 PM, 11/10/2012 (5 years ago)
(321 | Upcoming) (m)
Quote from: sophiebaby on 05:33 PM, 11/10/2012
yes oooo..poster tell us again... infact tear our heads and put this stuff inside
<<<so ur brain dey nyash?? Huh  Cry
Reply
PidginMOUTH at 08:42 PM, 11/10/2012 (5 years ago)
(8535 | Hero) (m)
friends of  talking about dick  Shocked Shocked Shocked
Reply
jamesbondchick at 08:48 PM, 11/10/2012 (5 years ago)
(3667 | Gistmaniac) (f)
 Huh?

Reply
wireless_radio at 09:00 PM, 11/10/2012 (5 years ago)
(2445 | Gistmaniac) (m)
Quote from: sophiebaby on 05:33 PM, 11/10/2012
yes oooo..poster tell us again... infact tear our heads and put this stuff inside

 Grin Grin Grin Grin Grin Grin
Reply
zoe61 at 09:30 PM, 11/10/2012 (5 years ago)
(15298 | Hero) (f)
 Roll Eyes Roll Eyes Roll Eyes Roll Eyes Roll Eyes Roll Eyes
Reply
Senegal at 09:40 PM, 11/10/2012 (5 years ago)
(10335 | Hero) (m)
 Roll Eyes Roll Eyes
Reply
Neglito at 10:02 PM, 11/10/2012 (5 years ago)
(4204 | Gistmaniac) (m)
Quote from: sophiebaby on 05:23 PM, 11/10/2012
Kiss Kiss Kiss Kiss Kiss neglito..A.K.A... ponki master
@Sophiebaby  Wink Wink Wink Wink Wink Wink Wink Cool Cool Cool Cool Cool Cool Cool
Reply
ela214 at 11:09 PM, 11/10/2012 (5 years ago)
(3053 | Gistmaniac) (f)
richtig.true talk
Reply
Beauti4 at 01:05 AM, 12/10/2012 (5 years ago)
(8153 | Hero) (f)
Quote from: Neglito on 05:11 PM, 11/10/2012
One thing I have come to realize as a man is, women in most cases are responsible for the collapse of their relationships with men without knowing it. e.g When a woman is angry at her husband based on what she heard about him, she will not take her time to find out if it's true or not rather she'll pounce on him upon returning home and quite often using so much abusive words. This sort of action destroys rather than repair.

You are so beary right on this one dear. But men are also good in this as well. Men pride also contribute to this as well. They can loose the their best match becos of pride but pretend as if its a mere situation.
Reply
deboalabi262 at 01:52 AM, 12/10/2012 (5 years ago)
(13069 | Hero) (m)
 Lips Sealed Lips Sealed Lips Sealed

Reply
analyzation at 05:23 AM, 12/10/2012 (5 years ago)
(1207 | Gistmaniac) (m)
its me and my partner to share
Reply
dlimelite at 05:53 AM, 12/10/2012 (5 years ago)
(13969 | Hero) (f)
 Roll Eyes Roll Eyes Roll Eyes Roll Eyes Roll Eyes Roll Eyes Roll Eyes
Reply
sophiebaby at 11:58 AM, 12/10/2012 (5 years ago)
(31070 | Addicted Hero) (f)
Quote from: Garethhills on 06:36 PM, 11/10/2012
<<<so ur brain dey nyash?? Huh  Cry

nooo ur prick e dey.. ode!

Reply
queenrukky at 02:45 PM, 12/10/2012 (5 years ago)
(10278 | Hero) (f)
 Cool
Reply

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