New Rules of Air travel for Nigerians heading for the United States

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Do not go to the toilet for the  whole duration of your flight.

Do not carry any kind of  container into the airport, or onto the plane.

Do not request for a window seat.  Do not ask to sit in the aisle. Any request for specific seating may be  indications of a premeditated plot.

If you are given food during the  flight, ask the flight attendant not to give you cutlery.  A Nigerian  with sharp implements on a plane is asking to be arrested.

Do keep your hands in plain sight  during the flight. Do not look too happy or too sad.

Do not be too polite to flight  attendants.

Do not be aggressive or have  aggressive thoughts toward flight attendants

Try not to have any form of carry  on luggage. If you do, make sure it contains nothing suspicious or dangerous  like pens, pencils, paper, or a calculator, as these are common bomb making  materials.

Do not carry any electronic items  that may be used to communicate with the Taliban, or used for surveillance, like  cell phones, iPods, walkmans, electric toothbrushes or cameras.

NEVER  travel with your laptop computer..

Never travel if you have any kind of tribal marks. That  includes the small marks you have managed to cover with facial hair.

Do not travel to the U.S if you are an engineer, if you have  ever lived in London, or if your father is a banker.

Do not talk to other Nigerian on the same flight as you. It  makes other people nervous.

Do not ask to be upgraded to first class or business class.  Sitting too close to the front of the plane makes the pilot nervous.

Never admit to your fellow passengers that you are Nigerian.  If asked, say you are from the Republic of Zamunda in East Africa.

When you are getting onto the plane, do not even glance at  the cockpit.

Women, do not wear wigs, weaves or hair pieces. Any form of  disguise is suspicious.

Take a cold shower before coming to the airport. Sweating  and scratching yourself is a sign of nervousness. Why are you nervous?

Do not fart on the plane. Noxious smells might indicate you  have bomb making chemicals hidden in your underpants.

Do not go home with the free magazines in the plane. Yes, it says  “ free”, but that is just a test. Leave the plane with those magazines and you’ll  be arrested.

Wear clean underwear and be ready for a full body/cavity  search.

Do not  carry any potentially dangerous or toxic substances onto the plane like  toothpaste, cough mixture, bottled water, mouthwash, lipstick, chewing  gum or baby formula.  Make sure  your baby’s diapers are empty.

Do not get angry with fellow passengers, for any reason,  even if it’s their fault. You will still be arrested and sent to Guantanamo  Bay.

Do not travel by air into, out of, or across the U.S if you  are Muslim.

Muslim is defined as:
Any person with a suspicious name  like Mohammed, Fatal, Fatima, Barrack or Ibrahim, or if your last name starts  with El-, Al-, or Abdul-.All Nigerian  Alhajis, Alhajas, Alfas and Imams are forbidden from entering U.S  airspace

Anyone that has ever entered a  mosque.

Anyone that knows what a mosque  is.

Anyone that dresses in long  flowing garments.

Anyone that has a  beard.

NOTE: If you  converted from Islam to Christianity, you are still classified as  Muslim.

Always travel with some kind of  proof that you are a Christian. Preferably always travel with your pastor.

Do not attract attention to  yourself. Do not drive to the airport in your Mercedes or Honda like a typical  Nigerian. Instead, drive an American car like Pontiac or Chevy. You may be  mistaken for an American. Or Haitian.

Do not ask to drink soda, tea or  coffee in the airport or on the plane. Always ask for alcohol to prove you are  not a Muslim.

Do not travel by air in the U.S  if you have ever had a parking ticket, extra-marital affair, stolen stationary  from your office, or if you have ever exceeded the speed limit. This is a sign  of severe subversive terrorist behavior.

Do not travel on or  around Christmas day or on September 11th. Avoid travelling on  or around Easter, Thanks Giving , Independence day or New year’s Day. Avoid  traveling on Muslim holidays. Avoid air travel in the summer or winter. (NOTE:  no specific reason, its just to piss you off)

YORUBA People, PLEASE!!! Do not  prostrate to greet your elders at the airport. People may  thing you  are dodging bullets or protecting yourself from a bomb blast.

NEVER, EVER carry any kind of  Nigerian food onto a US aircraft.

No, do not wear agbadas, head ties,  wrappers, danshikis, etc to the airport. It is not recommended. They make you look  very un-American, and therefore potentially dangerous.

Do not act like a typical Nigerian for the duration of  the flight. This includes speaking any language other than “American  English”.

Speaking any “funny”  language is to be avoided. If you have elderly parents that do not speak  “American”, they should NOT speak for  the duration of the flight. If spoken to, their response to anything should be  “Yeah man”.

DO not talk to your fellow passengers. Statements like  “hello” might be misconstrued to be   “Hello, you are my next victim”.

Statements like “ Hello, my name is  Mohammed”, may be interpreted as “my name is Mohammed and I’m gonna blow up this  goddam  plane”.

Do not wear large  afros that may conceal weapons or bombs.

Do not carry any  kind of document, newspaper or book that contains any form of Arabic  inscription or writing. You will be detained until a translator can be  found.

Do not argue when  you are told your luggage is over weight. Apologise profusely and pay double  what they ask you for excess luggage.
 
And most importantly, only the following apparel must be worn to the airport...

some people are daft ,can't you see this is a Joke ?