how to have a successful long-term relationship or
marriage, but none that seem to capture some of the core
ingredients I’ve found important in relationships. So here’s
the straight dope, from my experience.
Before I begin, however, it’s important to dispel a common
relationship myth — relationships are (or should be) easy.
That is simply not true. The grass always looks greener in
other people’s lives, because few people share the truth of
the amount of work that goes into relationships (hence why
50% of marriages end in divorce). Relationships — even the
best relationships in the world — require constant
attention, nurturing, and work. If you can understand and
accept the need for constant attention and work in your
relationship, you’re started in the right direction.
1. Compromise: Relationships are about not only taking,
but also giving. If you find yourself not giving very much, or
feeling resentful of how much you give and how little you
receive back, you may be in an unequal relationship where
one side is taking more than they are giving.
For instance, couples sometimes mistakenly believe
that “love” will help them deal with any issue that
comes up, and that if the other person truly loved
you, they would just do as you ask. But people are
independent with their own unique needs and
personalities. Just because we found someone we
want to spend our lives with doesn’t mean we give
up our own identity in the process.
2. Communicate: Relationships live and die not by the
sword, but by the amount of discussion. If two people can’t
find a way to openly and honestly communicate their needs
and feelings to one another, the relationship doesn’t stand
much of a chance long-term. Couples must find a way to
communicate regularly, openly, and directly.
This doesn’t mean waiting for an argument to tell
your significant other how much he bothers you
with his throwing his clothes on the floor instead of
the hamper. It means telling him when you feel the
need to, and to do so in a manner that is respectful
but assertive.
3. Choose Your Battles Carefully: After marriage or when
two people move in together, couples tend to discover
pretty much the same thing no matter who they are – that
they are two different people and living together is harder
than anyone ever told them. Love conquers a lot of things,
but it is no match for living day-in and day-out with another
human being (especially if you’ve spent years on your own).
Prepare yourself for this challenge by choosing
what arguments you want to turn into a full blown
battle. For instance, do you really want to start a
fight over the toothpaste cap or how clean the
shower is? Or would you rather reserve your energy
for the discussions over finances, kids, and career
paths (you know, the things that might really matter
to a person). Too many couples fight and bicker
over the dumbest things, especially when put into
context of issues of true importance.
4. Don’t Hide Your Needs: Sometimes when we enter into
a long-term relationship, we put ourselves second, behind
the other person’s needs and desires. We might give up
working to have a child, or agree to move to another city to
help support our significant other’s career. And that’s fine,
but you need to be realistic first with yourself about
whether such things really matter to you or not. If they do,
you need to find a way to communicate such needs with
your partner, and compromise where possible.
Two people will rarely have exactly the same wants
and desires out of life — that’s just a fantasy.
Instead, expect that sometimes your two paths will
diverge. Express your needs at those crucial
moments, but always find a way to do so
respectfully and with an open mind.
5. Don’t underestimate the importance of trust and
honesty: Different people have different areas of concern,
but almost everyone values trust and honesty from their
partner above all. Why? Because your partner is the one
person you want to be able to depend upon in the long-
term, without question or doubt.
Little things where your significant other hasn’t been
completely honest shouldn’t be blown out of
proportion, because virtually everybody tells little
white lies (especially when one is dating). Focus
instead on the big things, like if they say they’re a
lawyer and you discover they’ve never even passed
the bar, or they say they like kids but later on insist
on never having one.
Strong relationships are like a really good conversation
with someone you admire, trust and cherish – they are
ever-changing, engaging, wonderfully rewarding and
sometimes surprising. But in order to continue the
conversation because you want to see what the person has
to say next, you have to respect your significant other’s
opinion even when you disagree with it.
And just like a good conversation, you need to work
on keeping your end up too. You need to show
attention and nurture the relationship constantly,
just as you would nurture anything you value in life.
You don’t just “get married” and that’s the end of it.
Indeed, marriage is just the beginning of a long
process of learning to openly and honestly
communicate with another person in a respectful
and caring manner.
If you’re up for it and follow these tips, you’ll be on a road
to having a more successful relationship or marriage.
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