u are just full of shit! whats ur own joke dick head!!

I dont expect u to understand, its only d learned dat will understand

A new two year degree is being offered at LIFE UNIVERSITY that many of you should be interested in: BECOMING A REAL MAN
That's right, in just six quarters you, too, can be a real man. Please take a moment to look over the program outline.
FIRST YEAR
Fall Schedule:
MEN 101 Combating Stupidity
MEN 102 You Too Can Do Housework
MEN 103 PMS - Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
MEN 104 We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings For Christmas


Dry seasons Schedule:
MEN 110 Wonderful Laundry Techniques
MEN 111 Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at 4AM
MEN 112 Parenting: It Doesn't End with Conception
MEN 113 Get a Life; Learn to Cook


Raining Seasons Schedule:
MEN 120 How NOT to ACT Like an Ass When You're Wrong
MEN 121 Understanding Your Incompetence
MEN 122 YOU, the Weaker Sex
MEN 123 Reasons To Give Flowers


SECOND YEAR
Fall Schedule:
SEX 101 You Can Fall Asleep Without It
SEX 102 Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Then Take a Shower
MEN 201 How to Stay Awake After Sex
MEN 202 How to Put the Toilet Seat Down


Dry Seasons Schedule:
MEN 210 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
MEN 211 How Not to Act Younger Than Your Children
MEN 212 You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver
MEN 213 Honest - You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise, Especially Naked


Raining Seasons Schedule:
MEN 220 Omitting @#%&*@ From Your Vocabulary
MEN 221 Fluffing the Blanket After Farting is NOT Necessary
MEN 222 Real Men Ask for Directions
MEN 223 Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay

On the fourth day of their honeymoon, the 21 year old bride was begging for mercy from her 75 year oA man and his wife were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.

The wife says to her husband, "For our anniversary this year, you can ask me one question, any question you want too! and I will answer it truthfully."

The husband replies, "Okay, this has been bothering me for a long time, but I haven't had the courage to ask before... I have noticed that all of our eight children look similar to one another except one. I can't figure out how he got to look so different. Did he have a different father than the rest?"

The wife stops. She is unable to look her husband in the eyes. Slowly she replies, "Yes, he did have a different father."
Her husband was taken aback. "Oh! Okay... I must know. Please tell me. Who was that child's father?"

Again she cannot look her husband in the eyes. She is very distressed and after a long silence she slowly said, "YOU".

Prostitute pressing charges for rape?

After hearing details of the offence committed, the Judge asked the prostitute.... "So when did you actually realise that you were raped?"
The prostitute, wiping the away tears replied: "When the cheque bounced" your honour!

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is 'UP'.

It's easy to understand UP , meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report ? (one does NOT write UP, one merely writes!)

We call UP our friends. (no we don't, we call our friends!)

And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver (no, we polish the silver!); we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen (no, we clean the kitchen!). We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets (queue for tickets?!), work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.

And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP (blocked!). We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night (no, we open it in the morning and close it at night!)

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP ! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP , look the word UP in the dictionary (research it!). In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.




When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP (over!). When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP! When is rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.

When is doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP .

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP , for now my time is UP , so........it is time to shut UP!

An Igbo chick found herself sitting next to a lawyer on an airplane. Bored, the lawyer kept bugging the chick, wanting her to play a game of intelligence (lawyers like easy prey).

Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, said every time the Igbo chick could not answer one of his questions she owed him N5,000(five thousand naira), but every time he could not answer hers, he’d give her N50.000(fifty thousand naira). The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the Igbo chick reluctantly accepted.
The lawyer first asked, “What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?” Without saying a word the Igbo chick handed him N5,000.
The Igbo chick then asked, “What goes up the sky with 3 legs and comes back down the sky with 4 legs?”
The lawyer looked puzzled. He spent nearly an hour, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls, trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the Igbo chick N50,000
The Igbo chick put the N50,000 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, “What is the answer to your question?”
Without having any clue to the answer herself, she dint say a word, she just handed him N5,000 and left.

din't know it was posted b4, kind of new here. sorry guys!
more best is yet to come!!

This duck walks into a bar, and asks the bartender, ?Do you have any grapes"?
The bartender says, "No we only sell beer here". The duck leaves.
The next day the duck walks back into the bar and asks the bartender, "Do you have any grapes"?
The bartender says, "No I told you we only sell beer, and if you ask me again I'm going to nail your beak to the bar.? So the duck leaves.
The next day the duck walks back into the bar, and asks the bartender ?Do you have any nails"? The bartender says "no".
The duck asks "Do you have any grapes"?

Susie's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months. Things looked grim, but she was by his bedside every single day. One day as he slipped back into consciousness, he motioned for her to come close to him. She pulled the chair close to the bed and leaned her ear close to be able to hear him.

"You know" he whispered, his eyes filling with tears, "you have been with me through all the bad times.
When I got fired, you stuck right beside me. When my business went under, there you were.
When we lost the house, you were there.
When I got shot, you stuck with me.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side. "And you know what?"
"What, dear?" she asked gently, smiling to herself.
"I think you're bad luck."

Bedside Manners
Susie's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months. Things looked grim, but she was by his bedside every single day. One day as he slipped back into consciousness, he motioned for her to come close to him. She pulled the chair close to the bed and leaned her ear close to be able to hear him.
"You know" he whispered, his eyes filling with tears, "you have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you stuck right beside me. When my business went under, there you were. When we lost the house, you were there. When I got shot, you stuck with me. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. "And you know what?"
"What, dear?" she asked gently, smiling to herself.
"I think you're bad luck."

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.


When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays that you have a sound mind. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.



Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

No be small Wahala oooooooooooo

Two men met at a bus stop and struck up a conversation.

One of them
kept complaining of family problems. Finally, the other man said:
"You think you have family problems? Listen to my situation.

 A few
years ago I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter and we got
married.
"Later my father married my step daughter. That made my stepdaughter my stepmother and my father became my stepson. Also,my wife became mother in-law of her father-in-law.

Then the daughter of my wife, my stepmother, had a son. This boy was my half-brother because he was my father's son, but he was also the son of my wife's daughter which made him my wife's grand-son.That made me the grandfather of my half-brother.

"This was nothing until my wife and I had a son. Now the half-sister of my son, my stepmother, is also the grandmother.

 "This makes my father the brother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister is my father's wife, I'm my stepmother's brother-in-law, my wife is her own child's aunt, my son is my father's nephew and I'm My own son's grandfather! And you think you have family wahala

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the
**head** with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.

The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on
it that I found in your pants pocket'.

The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name
of the horse I bet on'
The wife apologized and went on with the housework.

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the
head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon
re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again._ _
Wife replied: 'Your Horse phoned!!!*

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my football team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Star bear.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink star ?"

"She's in the Ladies' football League, honey. We share the same training fields with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Hi Davey...Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."

 
A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my football team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Star bear.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink star ?"

"She's in the Ladies' football League, honey. We share the same training fields with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Hi Davey...Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."
 

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."