A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

WOW! i kan't believe this. the bible says wen the world is coming to an end all the new thing wil be happening. if u believe that there is not wrong in Lesbianism or gay, that means you are telling God that doesnt know what his doin wen he create ADAM and EVE. he should hav create EVE and Maria, or DAVID AND ADAM. even my bible tells me that a man shall leave his parent and join together wit his wife and become one. not a woman and woman or a man and a man.
GOD WILL PUNISH YOU ALL PEOPLE THAT PRACTICE HOMOsegxwalITY

i dont even knw how he get the 9, but all what i knw is he get the answer rite

There is this rather old fashioned lady, always quite delicate and elegant especially in language. She and her husband were planning a week's vacation in Florida, so she wrote to a particular campground and asked for reservation.
She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped but didn't quite know how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn't bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter. After much deliberation, she finally came up with the old fashioned term "bathroom commode." But when she wrote it down, she still thought she was being too forward. So she started all over again, rewrote the entire letter and referred to the bathroom commode as the "B.C." "Does the campground have its own B.C.?" is what she actually wrote.
Well, the campground owner wasn't old fashioned at all and when he got the letter he just couldn't figure out what the old woman was talking about. That "B.C." business really stumped him. After worrying about it for a while, he showed the letter to several campers, but they couldn't imagine what the lady meant either. So the camp owner, finally coming to the conclusion that the lady must be asking about the local Baptist Church, sat down and wrote the following reply:
Dear Madam,
I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take the pleasure of informing you that a B.C. is located 9 miles north of the campground, and is capable of seating 250 people at the same time. It is located at a beautiful pine grove and is open only on Sundays and Wednesdays. I admit it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunch along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late. My daughter met her husband in the B.C.
The last time my wife and I went was six years ago and it was so crowded, we had to stand up the whole time we were there. Sometimes it is so crowded, there are 5 to a seat. It may interest you to know that right now there is a supper planned to raise money to buy more seats. They're going to hold it in the basement of the B.C.
I would like to say that it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it is surely due to the lack of desire on my part. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in the cold weather.
If you do decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit you down and introduce you to all the other folks. We will be sure to have a seat up front where you can be seen by everyone. Remember, we are a friendly community.
Sincerely yours, (The campground owner)

The CEO of Tyson Foods manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican. After receiving the papal blessing, he whispers, "Your eminence, we have an offer for you. Tyson Foods is prepared to donate $100 million dollars to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily chicken.'"
The Pope responds, "That is impossible. The Prayer is the word of the Lord - it must not be changed."
"Well," says the Tyson man, "We anticipated your reluctance. For this reason, we will increase our offer to $300 million dollars. All we require is that you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily chicken.'"
Again, the Pope replies, "That, my son, is impossible. For the prayer is the word of the Lord and it must not be changed."
Finally, the Tyson guy says, "Your Holiness, we at Tyson Foods respect your adherence to your faith, but we do have one final offer. We will donate $500 million dollars - that's half a billion dollars - to the great Catholic Church if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily chicken.' Please consider it." And he leaves.
The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals. "There is some good news," he announces, "And some bad news."
"The good news is that the Church has come into $500 million dollars."
"And the bad news, your eminence?" asks a Cardinal.
"We're losing the Wonderbread account."

Three nuns passed every day through a street that led them from Church to a Reformatory. They noticed a parrot that stood at the entrance of a big residential house. Every time they passed in front of that house, the bird would pronounce three sequential colors.
One day, they heard, "yellow, blue, black."
One of the nuns noticed that those colors perfectly matched the colors of their underwear. She mentioned her discovery to the other two nuns, but both were reluctant to believe that could be possible.
The next day, they all wore black underwear and passed in front of the house, and very precisely the parrot spoke,
"black, black, black."
Hearing that, the three nuns were astonished! One of the nuns spoke up,
"Girls, tomorrow we are going to trick that bird." Saying that, she recommended that the next day, none of them should be wearing any underwear under their vestments.
Respecting their agreement, the next day they wore no underwear, and proceeded to pass in front of the parrot's house.
Initially, the parrot looked a bit puzzled, he swung back and forth on his perch.
Then, after a while, the Parrot said,
"Straight, Straight, Curly!"

Three old men are at the doctor for a memory test.
The doctor says to the first old man, "What is three times three?"
"274" was his reply.
The doctor worriedly says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?"
"Tuesday" replies the second man.
The doctor sadly says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three"?
"Nine" says the third man.
"That's great!" exclaims the doctor. "How did you get that"?
"Jeez, Doc, it's pretty simple," says the third man. "I just subtracted 274 from Tuesday."

It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale and an Advertisement on the net were the main reasons for the long Line that formed in front of the store long before 8:30, the store's Opening time.
A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed Back amid loud and colorful curses. On the man's second attempt, he Was punched square in the jaw by an irate grandmother and knocked Around a bit, then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the Line: "That does it! If they hit me one more time, I won't open the store!"

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know that?" "Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer"

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks "And get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another whisky you idiot". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick you".

The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says "For someone who can't fly, you complain too much!"

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!

Chevron Corp. (CVX) has halted its export of approximately 100,000 barrels of Nigerian crude oil per day, the Wall Street Journal reported today. The reduced flow follows an attack on a key oil pipeline in the Niger Delta region, an area that has long been plagued by government corruption and violent militant attacks. The group claiming responsibility for the act, the Movement for the Emancipation of the Nigerian Delta (MEND), has been a vehement opponent of the oil trade in Nigeria and the resulting pollution and alleged government misuse of natural resources. The group has vowed to continue its attacks until Nigeria halts oil exportation.

The Chevron reduction represents only a small fraction of Nigeria's oil exporting industry. (Energy Information Administration reports show that 1.9 million barrels were exported per day in 2008.) Still, the United States as a whole gobbles up a supersize portion of Nigerian oil—44 percent, to be precise—and Chevron's withdrawal raises significant questions for the future of the Nigerian economy. Approximately 95 percent of export revenue is based in the Nigerian oil industry; however, local communities often remain fiscally isolated from this trade scenario.

"The oil money has not been making it back into the local economy; the governors are doing quite well," said Jennifer Cooke, director of the Africa Program with the Center for Strategic and International Studies. What Cooke describes as "layers of corruption in the delta region" bars many Nigerian locals from reaping the benefits of Nigeria's booming oil industry. (The country maintains the second largest oil reserves on the continent.)

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up.

But then the wife stops and says, "I don' t feel like it. I just want you to hold me."

The husband says " WHAT???" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman.

The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.

So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and had her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife, We 'll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each.

And then goes to the jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet.

The husband says "but you don 't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it.'

The wife is jumping up and down. So excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says " I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register. "

The husband says, " no no no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife face goes blank.

" No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."

Her face gets really red she is about to explode and then the husband says " You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a MAN!"

well gwhy u tried sa, or this is what happen to u

A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners.

At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, Genesis 3:10."

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.

Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid, for I was naked."

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his beautiful, blond, female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.

She opened it, looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into her house.

A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions, the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps telling me I've got mail!"

 blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him: "I've kidnapped you." She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde."

The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.

The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"
 

An American man, a Chinese man, and a Mexican man all died and went to Hell. The Devil said, "You know guys, you all have been sinners. But I'm in a good mood, so I'm willing to give you another chance. If you can think of a sentence using the words 'green', 'pink', and 'yellow' that will make me laugh, then you will go to heaven."

The Chinese guy goes first. He says, "One morning when I woke up, I looked out the window and saw a green field with pink and yellow flowers in it." The Devil says, "You think that's funny?" and the Chinese goes to Hell.

The American is next. He says, "One morning I was walking on the street and saw George W Bush with nothing on but a pink bra, green shoes, and a yellow mohawk." The Devil says, "Nice try, but that's not funny." The American goes to Hell.

Now, it's the Mexican's turn. But he's not very good at English and by now he is panicking. He blurts out, "This morning when the phone went 'green green green', I came to pink it up, and said 'Yellow'?"

The Devil laughs and says "Okay, you can go to heaven." And the Mexican's jaw drops, "Huh?"

Gwhy

stupid people like u, dont no what is going on, dumb ass
 where u get ur name form  GWHY  maybe u be aboki

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My loving wife

Subject: I've arrived

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. sure is freaking hot down here!!!!