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1  Forum / FunnyHub (Jokes + Comedy) / Re: oyibo get out!!! Am serious on: 24-09-2011 07:21 PM
Quote from: thange on 28-08-2011 05:41 PM
Firstly, wen I'm born, I'm
black!! Wen I grow up, I'm black;
Wen I get sick, I'm black; Wen I go
out in a sun, I'm black; Wen I'm
cold, I'm black; and wen I get scared,
gee, I'm black; and wen I die, I'm still
But you white fella... Wen you were
born, you pink; Wen you grow up,
you white; Wen you get sick, you
green; Wen you go out in a sun, you
red; Wen you get cold, you blue;
Wen you get scared, you yellow;
and wen you die, you purple and
you got the cheek to call me
Lips Sealed
2  Forum / FunnyHub (Jokes + Comedy) / Re: bad minds on: 24-09-2011 07:20 PM
Quote from: thange on 24-09-2011 11:03 AM
Girl: It’s 2 tight Boy:
worry,I’ll do it slowly, Gal: Push
it in,
Boy: Ah..I can ’t, Gal: It’s painful,
Boy: Forget it.
We ’ll buy new WEDDING RING!

3  Forum / FunnyHub (Jokes + Comedy) / Re: Eventually, I went to Hawaii. on: 24-09-2011 07:18 PM
Quote from: busma on 23-09-2011 05:41 PM
Eventually, I went to Hawaii. You ever been there before? It's beautiful. The travel agent told us, 'Stay off the beach a ways and save some cash.' Give you an idea of how far off the beach we were -- we were in Jersey. You know what? They're a little rude in that part of Hawaii.
Lips Sealed
4  Forum / FunnyHub (Jokes + Comedy) / Re: THE NUNS on: 24-09-2011 07:17 PM
5  Forum / FunnyHub (Jokes + Comedy) / Re: the return of skypon is the beginning of laughter. lol on: 24-09-2011 07:14 PM
Quote from: Skypon2002 on 21-09-2011 06:28 PM

Late in 1994, an 87 year old man passed on in a village close to Amai, Kwale, Delta State . The late man's grand son, Ufiaka (26 years old and fairly educated), was given some money and asked to travel to Agbor to buy a fine casket for his grand pa's burial. Ufiaka left base early and arrived Agbor in good time to purchase the casket and make the return journey same day,

He was fortunate to get an open back white coloured Peugeot 404 pickup heading for Amai. He, however, had to ride in the back of the pickup with the casket because two market women travelling to Amai were already seated in front with the driver.

On the home journey, they ran into a heavy rain storm close to Uronigbe and Ufiaka quickly opened the casket, lay himself nicely in the well padded interior, covered the lid and used the folded newspaper he had with him to leave a small opening between the lid and the main body of the white casket to ensure adequate ventilation.
The interior of the casket was very comfortable and Ufiaka soon fell into a very deep sleep.

The rain had subsided at the time the pickup van arrived at Umutu and during a brief stop there, two men travelling to Amai boarded the vehicle at the back and the same happened at Ubiaruku where a man and a woman travelling also to Amai entered the vehicle. All this while, Ufiaka was enjoying his beauty sleep inside the Casket completely unaware of the new passengers who boarded at Umutu and Ubiaruku.

The pickup van arrived Amai just after 5p.m. and the driver, who was now very hungry, stopped in front of a busy bukataria to have a quick bite before proceeding onto the next village.

The sudden stoppage and revving of the pickup's engine woke Ufiaka who then opened the lid of the casket and rose up.

Trouble come start!
The passengers in the back of the pickup jumped out of the vehicle from various points and took to their heels in various directions.
The people eating in the buka (including the mama-put and her service girls) who saw the white casket open, and a "ghost" step out, ran off all over the place some with balls of eba and akpu in their hands.

Ufiaka, seeing people running 'helta skelta' was convinced that armed robbers were operating and decided to take-off in the direction three of the passengers, including the woman, were running. When the three passengers realised that Ufiaka was running towards them, they increased their speed and shouted "ghost! ghost!" and, to further worsen the situation, Ufiaka was dressed in white up and down with white shoes to match that day.

With the shouting of 'ghost', other people in their homes came out to see what was going on and on seeing people running at high speed all over, they joined in the race for their dear life and the number just swelled.

The driver and the two market women were the only people who knew what was on going and they had a hell of a time calming the people down and explaining that … he merely needed shelter, while it was raining ,

computer wahala

Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is
Martha, I can't print. Every time I
try, it says 'Can't find printer.' I've
even lifted the printer and placed it
in front of the monitor, but the
computer still says he can't find it,

Customer: My keyboard is not
working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's
plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the
Tech support: Pick up your
keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK.
Tech support: Did the keyboard
come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the
keyboard is not plugged in. Is there
another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one
here. Ah, that one does work.

Tech support: What antivirus
program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an
antivirus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry, Internet

A female customer called the
Canon help desk with a problem
with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it
under Windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to
the door, but that is a good point.
The man sitting in the cubicle next
to me is under a window, and his
printer is working fine."

Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press
the control and escape keys at the
same time. That brings up a task
list in the middle of the screen. Now
type the letter "P" to bring up the
Program Manager."
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard,
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P",(pee) on your
keyboard, Bob.

A Girl Dialed Her Own Number From Her
Boyfriend's Cell To See Her Name Saved In
List Like Doll Or Sweetie.
She Was Shocked To See
Rasheed Plumber

A jamaican rastaman went to the hospital for treatment on his badly burnt ears. The doctor
asked him: How did u get your ears so badly burnt???: Hear him;

PATIENT: I iron mi shirt and
won eddiat bwoy caal me upon mi cell fone and insteada mi ansa da fone, mi pick up da iron and ansa it:
DOCTOR: Ok That explains one ear, but how do u explain the other ear ?
PATIENT: The bombastic eediat caal mi back!

3 Contractors are bidding 2 fix a broken fence at, d White House

1 from India, 1 from Chinese the third a Nigerian.They went to

White House official to examine the fence. The Indian takes out

a tape and does some measuring, works some figures, he said,the

job will cost $900 [material $400, labor $400 & $100 profit].

The Chinese does the same & said I can do it for $700 [material

$300, labor $300 and $100 profit]. The Nigerian doesn't measure

or figure, but whispers, $2700 to the official. The White House

official say, you didn't even do any measurement, how did you

come up with such a high figure? The Nigerian replied $1000 for

me, $1000 for you & $700 to hire the Chinese to do the job. DEAL

or NO DEAL? White man smile its a DEAL

Two weeks ago was my forty-fifth birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say “Happy Birthday,” and probably have a present for me.
She didn't even say “Good Morning,” alone any “Happy Birthday.” I thought, “Well, that's wives for you. Maybe the children will remember.”

The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word.

When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said, “Good morning boss, Happy Birthday.” And I felt a little better; someone had remembered.

I worked until noon. Then Janet knocked on my door and said, “You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me.” I said, “By George, that's the best thing I've heard all day. Let's go.”

We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.

On the way back to the office, she said, “You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?” I said, “No, I guess not.” She said, “Let's go to my apartment.” After arriving at her apartment she said, “Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable.”

“Sure,” I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children and dozens of our friends. All were singing “Happy Birthday” and there on the couch I sat,  Unclad.

Sophizzy: hey Idowu, i jst got ma blackberry ooh,  I'll buy my pin nxt week.

Idowu: U try o! Me i don dash tanimz my own

Sophizzy: Why na?!

Idowu: Because blackberry don taya me, nw na BB i dey use!

Sophizzy: Is your BB nokia or samsung?

Idowu : No Ode my BB Is an LG!  

from left to right
Stephen153, Skypon and Emejuru in an official meeting of the elders of the joke forum

If any one has been posted b4, i may not know cos i have been away for some una dey?  Grin Grin Grin Grin Grin
real laf mattaz
6  Forum / FunnyHub (Jokes + Comedy) / Re: thange is back on: 24-09-2011 07:00 PM
Quote from: thange on 24-09-2011 10:59 AM
If Fed Ex and UPS
were to
merge, would
they call it Fed UP? Do Lipton
Tea employees
take coffee breaks? If olive oil
comes from
olives, where does baby oil
come from? If
people from Poland are called
Poles, why
aren't people from Holland called
Holes? hehehe...... Do infants
enjoy infancy as much
as adults enjoy adultery? Oops...
Why is the
man who invests all your money
called a
broker.If horrific means to make
does terrific mean to make
terrible? Why is
it called building when it is
already built? If a book about
failures sells, is it a success ? If
you're not supposed to drink
and drive,
then why do bars have parking
lots? If you
take an Oriental person and
spin him
around several times, does he
7  Forum / FunnyHub (Jokes + Comedy) / Re: NOT 4 ONLY GAMBLERS, EVEN MEN OF church on: 24-09-2011 06:58 PM
Quote from: Ak33m on  8-09-2011 11:34 AM
Who wants to be ά millionaire***
Q1-Who stubborn pass__________

8  Forum / FunnyHub (Jokes + Comedy) / Re: A CALL GIRL @ UR FINGER TIP on: 24-09-2011 06:56 PM
Quote from: Ak33m on 20-08-2011 02:12 PM
is this thing not too heavy
9  Forum / FunnyHub (Jokes + Comedy) / Re: BARMAN on: 24-09-2011 06:55 PM
Quote from: Bahceerat on 24-09-2011 12:13 PM
A 6’7 feet tall man, with a scary face and bulging muscles, walks into a bar, goes to the barman and
says, “Get me a beer, or…”
The frightened barman gives him a beer, and the bully walks out without paying. The next day he does
the same and also a day later, and so on until the barman has enough.
When the bully enters another day and says, “Get me a beer or…”, the barman, coming up to the man
with four hired thugs, replies, “Or what?”. So the man replies, “Or coke, or orange juice, whatever
you’ve got.”
10  Forum / FunnyHub (Jokes + Comedy) / Re: BARMAN on: 24-09-2011 06:53 PM
 Lips Sealed
11  Forum / FunnyHub (Jokes + Comedy) / Re: FOC!!! FREE OF CHARGE... COME & PAY DNT PRICE on: 24-09-2011 06:52 PM
Quote from: johniykon on 10-09-2011 08:44 PM
2 thieves brk into a bank in D middle of a 9t & opend a safe. dere's only som yo'urt, bt no money. they tastd D yogurt. It's tainted.
D men open D next safe. dere's som yo'urt too, it tastes mch beta bt again  no money.D thieves tuk on anoda safe. & dere's yo'urt again.
paul, why don't U go outside & luk if it is indeed a bank!" says one to the oda, he seats down to drink the yo'urt which tastes really fresh and nutritious this tym. couple of minutes l8r paul came in.
It's definitely a bank!"What exactly did the sign say?
D Sperm Bank of Oyo
12  Forum / FunnyHub (Jokes + Comedy) / Re: igbo man again! on: 24-09-2011 06:50 PM
Quote from: dinho4lyf on 20-09-2011 11:33 PM
An igbo man was
riding in his BMW Z8 and a truck
crashes into his door. He called a police
officer&said: 'dis man just come smash
off the door of my BMW!!! My $39,000
car is now a write off!' 'O the police
officer shakes his head in
amazement&says: u ibos are so
materialistic: u didn't even realize dt ur
hand has been ripped off with the
door. The igbo man looks at his
amputated hand and screams:
'chineke!!! My Rolex!!!'

Lips Sealed
13  Forum / FunnyHub (Jokes + Comedy) / Re: ALBINO IN WANDE COAL COLOUR on: 24-09-2011 06:48 PM
Quote from: Ak33m on 22-08-2011 12:05 PM
Chinese couple living in warri gave birth to a black baby. In anger, husband asked the wife.... Chu, why baby black? She replied, we live in Nigeria, no hot, u hot, sex burnt !!

14  Forum / FunnyHub (Jokes + Comedy) / Re: A CALL GIRL @ UR FINGER TIP on: 24-09-2011 06:47 PM
Quote from: Ak33m on 20-08-2011 02:12 PM
15  Forum / FunnyHub (Jokes + Comedy) / Re: I WAS A SAINT UNTIL YOU DIS SAINT ME BABEE... on: 24-09-2011 06:46 PM
Quote from: Ak33m on 27-08-2011 07:08 PM
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

Lips Sealed Lips Sealed Lips Sealed Lips Sealed Lips Sealed
16  Forum / FunnyHub (Jokes + Comedy) / Re: FRESH AND FINE.. like neva seen b4 b4 on: 24-09-2011 06:43 PM
Quote from: Ak33m on 10-09-2011 07:24 PM
Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town.
After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel.
The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager:

'Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference.'

The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business.

As they are walking home the first man says,

'You know, I think my girl was dead!'

'Dead?' says his friend, 'Why do you say that?'

'Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her.' His friend says, 'Could be worse I think mine was a witch.'

'A witch ??. . why the hell would you say that?'

'Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck, and I gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window..... took my teeth with her!'

Grin Grin Grin Grin Grin Grin Grin
17  Forum / FunnyHub (Jokes + Comedy) / Re: Leta fro Mama Tolu 2 English Teacher on: 24-09-2011 06:36 PM
Quote from: 1daful on 21-09-2011 08:39 PM

Der Teaser,
I am gret u bt it is nt wit al my hrt.Teaser why?Y did u gav my children,Tolu 3 ova 10 in English.i hav cros-checkded ha work thoroughfuly n hav see dt wt she hav write is dey very now, wat is d why u gived her dis smalful mark.Ah!Teaser I am dey very apointd in u.Dn't u knw dt I teaser her English day by night n she hav knw it vry wel. So why d embarasful mark.Oh!Dis is out of Jealousness.U r jealous her bcos in dis her smal smal age she hv knw wt u wasn't knw wen u wer dey her age.Lt me pt paragraph
Beta remark her paper unjealously or else if I com on d 2 of october, d principal go mst hear dis.
Yours Angry Parent
Mma Tolu
am very sure she gat a1 during her secondary sch days

18  Forum / FunnyHub (Jokes + Comedy) / Re: SALAMAT PO! on: 24-09-2011 06:32 PM
Quote from: Deffney on 20-09-2011 05:46 PM
I just wanted to say.....SALAMAT PO n ma own dialect = THANK YOU in english....Daalu nu....Esee.....naa goodee...for all the greetings...

LOVE you all PALS...teardrops are falling on ma cheeks... :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( (tears of happiness)

To those who forget me, i still love you all and to those who remember me, continue ur mission to make all ur pals smile and burst out with lafter short ur yeye dey increase everyday and d yeye hospital don full and over flow with patient... Grin Grin Grin..meaning money dey too much.......more yeye abeg!!!!

Lastly, this forum helps me lessen my burden in life..THANKS AGAIN for the PB4 jokes Grin

19  Forum / Relationships & Romance / Re: 12 Attributes Of A Good Man on: 20-09-2011 08:02 PM
Quote from: Beco4real on 19-09-2011 05:15 PM
Here are 12 signs the man you’ve found is a real man. It’s up to you what you do with him after you find him.

1. Are first and foremost, gentlemen.They are polite, respectful, considerate and attentive to a woman’s needs. They open the door, pull her chair, lend their coat, offer to escort her home, pay for the dinner and kiss her goodbye on the cheek not on the lips. Good guys never cross the line of being inappropriate.

2. Are not intimidated by strong women.Good guys are not threatened by women who speak their minds, have different opinions, show passion or the causes they believe in or perhaps, earn more money than them. They see strong women as a gift to society because they are the ones who have the power to change things for the better.

3. He’s Patient–A real man won’t try to force you to be with him. He’ll try to impress you and convince you that he’s worth your time, but he won’t force you to do anything. If you find a real man you won’t have to worry about unwanted groping, date violation, or worse. He’ll take the time to get to know you and take things at a speed you’re comfortable with.A real man will wait for you to open your arms to him. Good guys are humble guys. They don’t need to beat themselves in the chest to show they are better, stronger, smarter, more successful or more handsome than other men. The ego is the enemy of good guys and they usually have it under control.

4. Are supportive to woman’s personal and career goals.They understand the importance of individual growth outside the relationship realm. Good guys see their woman’s success as their own success. Therefore, they prefer to encourage her to move forward as opposed to oppress her desires for expansion.

5. Write cards, send text messages, buy flowers and cook dinners for a woman as an act of thoughtfulness. Good guys don’t need an occasion to express their love. They just do it spontaneously. See their woman as the most beautiful, glorious, magnificent and unique woman in the entire Universe! Other beautiful women may catch a good guy’s eye but his heart and soul belong to her!

6. Keep their word. If they promised to call, stop by, take you out or do anything else, they stick to their promise. If they are unable to fulfill their promise, good guys have a sensible explanation…not a lame excuse.

7. Are not jealous. Good guys don’t require for a woman to check with them every single hour, to give them detailed reports on who she’s speaking to on the phone, to document every one of her activities or to follow everywhere she goes. They are secure enough in themselves to need a constant reaffirmation of the status of their relationship.

8. He’s Flexible –A real man might not be able to touch his own toes, let alone bend into a human pretzel. But he will be able to sleep on concrete, wear the same clothes for days, and survive for indefinite periods of time in beer and ramen noodles. Any man who says he couldn’t survive under the same conditions is either lying to appeal to your fair nose or is hiding a sex change. If he’s being real with you, he’ll admit to his, um, flexibility when it comes to lifestyle options. How is this good for you? A real man’s flexibility means he’ll be able to take your ups and downs, curves and flats, and wild ideas in stride. If a real man loves you, he’ll flex to you. That’s huge.

9. Are in touch with their romantic side. They are not afraid to express their emotions, talk about their feelings, show their interest and do it in the most romantic ways possible. Good guys can make a woman’s heart melt from miles away just by opening their romantic side and letting the love flow. Make love to a woman’s soul at the same time as her body. Merging with her soul is their ultimate goal…not just a mere heavenly feeling.

10. Have achieved a balance in their lives on their own.Good guys have invested enough time in all aspects in their development – family, education, career, health, hobbies, interests and sports. They are happy with who they are and are satisfied with their lives.

11. Will find time and place for you no matter how busy and crazy their schedule may be.Good guys never use the excuse, “Sorry, but I was busy with work.” If they want to be with you, they will move mountains, sail oceans, cross continents, fly countries and do anything they can to be with their special woman.

12. Don’t use past relationship disappointments as excuses to why they don’t want to commit to a woman. What happened in the past, stays there. What’s important is the here and the now…and that is YOU!

20  Forum / Relationships & Romance / Re: Ladies and their attitudinal problems on: 20-09-2011 07:48 PM
Quote from: Bissyboy on 20-09-2011 11:56 AM
I was having a discussion with an acquaintance when she said; " I don't apologize to guys for any reason cos they don't deserve it; No man is worth my apology". I laughed! !! !!!.
Virtually all ladies sing that song; "NO MAN IS WORTH IT", yet they won't let you be.
This lady is in her mid 30s, neither married nor in any relationship. She's a staunch member of Mountain of Fire and Miracles.
She and her bandwagon belong to the school of thought; "God will do it at the appointed time" forgetting that GOD IS NOT A MAGICIAN. Everything follows laid down process. You have an attitudinal problem; you have not addressed it but think going on fervent prayers/dry fasting seeking an "abracadabraic" solution to sick relationship life will work... hmmmmn!!! so, so sorry babe, It won't. It is high time u accepted the fact that your attitude determines how long you stay in a relationship...if you like pray from now till eternity; nothing will change

before she approaches her menopause God will do it
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