THE GENERAL WENT OUT TO FIND THAT NONE OF HIS G.I's WERE THERE.
ONE FINALLY RAN UP, PANTING HEAVILY.

" Sorry sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late.
I ran to the bus but missed it. I hailed a cab but it broke down. Found a farm,
Bought a horse but it dropped dead. Ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."

THE GENERAL WAS VERY SKEPTICAL ABOUT THIS EXPLANATION, BUT AT LEAST HE WAS HERE SO HE LET THE G.I. GO.

Moments later, eight more G.I.'s came up to the General panting and he ask each of them individually why they are late.

" Sorry sir! I had a date, it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down. Found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."

THE GENERAL EYED THEM ALL, FEELING VERY SKEPTICAL, BUT SINCE HE'D LET THE FIRST GUY GO, HE LET THEM GO, TOO.

A TENTH G.I JOGGED UP TO THE GENERAL, PANTING HEAVILY.

" Sorry sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I
hailed a cab but....."

" let me guess," THE GENERAL INTERRUPTED,
" It broke down."

"No," said the G.I. " there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever
to get around them."
 
-----------------------------
Veni, Vidi, Non-Velcro!!!.......................Kelly

THE TROUBLE WITH SEX

Usually everybody who had a dog called it Rover or Rex or
Spot but I called mine " Sex."

Well, Sex turned to be a very embarrassing name. One day
while taking sex for a walk he ran away from me and I spent
hours looking for him. A policeman came along and ask me
what I was doing in an alley at 2 a.m. I said, " I am
looking for sex." My case came up the next week.

One day I went down to the Town Hall to get a dog license
for Sex. The clerk asked me what I wanted. I told him I
wanted a license for Sex. He said, " I would like one
too." When I told him it was for dog the clerk said,
" I don't care what she looks like." I said,
" You don't understand. I have had Sex since I was
five years old." The clerk, " By jove you must
have been a very strong and virile boy."

When i decided to get married I told the minister that I
wanted to have Sex at the wedding, but he told me to try and
wait till after the ceremony. I said, But sex has played a
big part in my life and my whole life revolves around
Sex." I told him that everyone at the wedding would
enjoy having Sex there. The minister said, " I
don't want to hear about your personal life and i shall
not marry you in the church." My family are barred from
the church. The next day we wore married by a Justice of the
Peace.

My wife and I took the dog on our honeymoon and when I
checked into the motel, I told the Manager I wanted a room
for my wife and a special room for Sex. He told me that
every room in the motel was for Sex. I said to him, "
You don't understand, Sex keeps me awake at night."
he said, " Me too."

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for
the custody of the dog. I said, " Your Honour, I had
Sex before I was married," the judge said, " Me
too."

Well now, I've been thrown in goal, married, and
divorced and had more darn trouble with that darn dog than
ever I gambled for. Just the other day when I went for my
fist session with the Psychiatrist he ask me what seemed to
be the trouble, I replied that Sex had died and left my life
and was like losing a best friend and It's lonely. The
Doctor looked at me and said, " Mister, you and I know
that Sex isn't a mans best friend, so get yourself a
dog."
---------------------------------------------------------------------

HOPE THIS BRINGS A GOOD LAUGH TO EVERYONE 
CHEERS...........   

   
9 WORDS USED BY WOMEN ( WHAT IT REALLY MEANS )....LOL
by: kelly rynejersey untamed scorpionheart (on: Feb 7, 2009)
Category: Joke   Language: english
tags: KELLY'S joke collections: 9 WORDS USED BY WOMEN


(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they think they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . that will bring on a 'whatever').

( Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying take a hike!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

well, lets hope for the better.....
Hopefully EPL would be in our favor....
cheers to the Liverpool fanatics!