Husband comes home drunk and breaks some plates, vomits and falls down on the floor! Wife pulls him up and cleans everything.

Next day when he gets up he expects her to be really angry with him, he prays that they should not have a fight but he finds a note on the table.

"Honey, your favourite Breakfast is ready on the table, I had to leave early to buy groceries. I'll come running back to you, my Love. I love you darling!"

Surprised he asks his Son "What happened last night?"

Son replied "when mom pulled you to bed and tried removing your boots and shirt, you said 'hey lady! Leave me alone. I'm married and I love my wife!'"

An elderly man boarded a bus in lagos with a pretty girl sitting close to him. A young man wanted to light a cigarette in the bus.
MAN: What is wrong with you young man, why would you light a cigarette in this bus? Do you want to kill this pretty girl here.
YOUNG MAN: Sorry sir...he put off the light.

After a long time in the traffic without movement, the pretty girl stretched with her hands in the air and a serious odour came out from her armpit. Immediately the elderly man said to young man.
MAN: Light the ciga!
YOUNG MAN: Sir?
MAN: Are u deaf? I say light the ciga!!!
YOUNG MAN: Ok sir.
[He lit d cigarette]
MAN: Blow it to my nose, bloooow it!!!
YOUNG MAN: Yes sir.
MAN: It is better to die this way than to die that way!

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT?!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear...

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."

We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. She was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was so excited.

Smiling with anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped, "WHAT?"

I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

A hot secretary came out angry out of her boss' office, her colleague asked "What happened? You went in happy and came out angry."

She replied, "he asked me if am free tonight? I said absolutely free! Then the bastard gave me 45 pages to type!"

After 24 years of marriage, a wife accuses her husband

WIFE: Ever since we got married he has never uttered the words "I love you".
JUDGE: Is this true?
HUSBAND: Yes! Ever since I told her on our wedding day that I love her, I have not changed my mind.

What's should be the Judge's verdict? 

 ;DWomen talk too much. That's why men have developed a superpower called SELECTIVE HEARING.

EXAMPLE:
When a woman says:
"This house is a mess, Honey
You and I need to clean this,
Your stuff is all on the floor,
You will be without clothes
If u don't wash them
NOW."

Men only hear:
"bla, bla, bla, HONEY
YOU AND I, bla, bla, bla
bla, bla, bla,  ON THE FLOOR
bla, bla, bla,  WITHOUT CLOTHES
bla, bla, bla,  NOW!

*Now read without the "bla"*