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861  Forum / Relationships & Romance / Re: The Meaning of Friendship on: 21-03-2010 03:55 PM
lol...y u guys think dis post is too long?...i figured lot of guys on 9japals do abuse 'friendship' ...dis is really weird...isn't it preetyInstincts?
862  Forum / Naijapals Base (Metro life) / Re: I slept with an average of 7 men in a day on: 20-03-2010 11:42 AM
na wa
863  Forum / Relationships & Romance / Have You Had Good Enough Love in Your Life? on: 20-03-2010 11:40 AM

So much depends upon your earliest years before your conscious memory has developed. What you experienced way back when can determine how you give and receive love, for the rest of your life, unless you make a concerted conscious effort to study the process of loving and being loved.

A prominent medical doctor, Dr. Dean Ornish, wrote a book in the 1990's called Love and Survival. He says that without love, connection, and intimacy, we are more likely to suffer and become ill. Without love, we do not thrive. Without love, we seem to just go through the motions of daily life, devoid of pleasure and excitement.

Although love creates the most profound feelings of peace and joy, most of us have not learned how to truly love our self or another. Relationships become a place to suffer. And believe it or not, that suffering begins with us - not the other person. Sure, of course, there are people we may become intimate with who have some very real psychological problems (anger, rage, depression, anxiety, emotional imbalance, chemical or other addictions) or some very real physical problems that may interfere with the enjoyment of our shared time together.

However, if you look around and observe the world around you, you may discover that there are other people, living with very similar circumstances, who are coping quite differently from the way you are. Other people may have a higher or lower tolerance for pain or discomfort, a greater or lesser ability to accept human frailty, and a stronger or weaker sense of their own self worth - regardless of the attitudes and behaviors of others. Some people will bail out as soon as the going gets difficult. Others might remain loyal and connected way longer than what is beneficial to both partners.

None of us can truly judge another person's life choices. It is up to each and every one of us to find our own truth and live that truth to the best of our ability. Each and every one of us is unique, with our own specialized DNA, footprint, fingerprint, synaptic brain connections, upbringing, memories and dreams.

The following quote by American Indian Cho Quosh explains the difference.

"Soldiers act on others' truth. Warriors stand alone and find their own truth."

My question to you is this. In terms of your own sense of self worth, choice of friendships and lovers, and connection with an intimate life partner, are you a solder or a warrior? Are you living your life and making choices that ultimately affect you, based upon your own cultural teachings, parental beliefs, religious training, peer pressure, extended family warnings - or - are you making choices for yourself that enhance your sense of self-worth, self-acknowledgement, self-acceptance, self-appreciation and self-love? Are you making choices that enhance your innate passion and sensual aliveness?

Are you making choices that expand your comfort zone and increase your sense of spiritual connection?

David Schnarch, Ph.D., wrote a powerful book in the 1990's about relationships called Passionate Marriage. He devotes an entire chapter to the warning concept "Intimacy is Not for the Faint of Heart." According to Schnarch, intimacy in long-term relationships and marriage may require validating our self rather than expecting to receive the mirroring, acceptance and validation from a partner. How we have been loved has a profound effect upon our ability to validate our self and share our love with others.

If we have had good enough mothering, a term coined by noted psychologist Winnicott, as well as good enough fathering, we may be able to overcome our dependency needs, differentiate from our intimate partners, and validate our own self - even and especially when our partner is not only not validating us but is actually criticizing, blaming and invalidating us which is bound to happen in any close relationship.

If we have not received good enough loving as a child, we will probably spend the rest of our life searching for the love and acceptance we never had. Because we have not learned to trust, we will probably tend to push others away, keeping them at a safe distance, afraid to show how much we need them. It is hard for even the most caring and patient partner to continually support someone who distrusts and feels unloved.

Isn't it worth the time and effort to find out all about the way you give love, receive love and influence the outcomes in your relationships? What could possibly be more important that that?
864  Forum / Relationships & Romance / The Meaning of Friendship on: 20-03-2010 11:34 AM

Friendship is a state of being emotionally attached to another person, resulting from feelings of affection. It is also a warm and intimate relationship with someone you like and trust. It often does not involve any segxwal interactions. Friends provide a basic source of happiness, pleasure and companionship.

Friendship is very crucial to adolescents because it helps to ease the transition from childhood to adulthood. It also provides opportunity for acquiring experiences, which would aid the process of developing a self-identity and enhance the ability to socialize, develop appropriate inter-personal communication and conflict management skills.

Friendships are among the most important relationship we form in life. Through friendship, individuals come to know, trust, and depend on each other for affection, acceptance and support. The most important relationships outside of the family are those we establish with our friends.

True friendship involves:

• Mutual respect, which means relating with others in ways that honor their personal values, decisions and choices, even if they differ from ours.
• Acceptance of people as they are and not always trying to change or make them live up to our own expectations.
• Honest communication, which is the sharing of truth and being able to talk about sensitive issues or negative behaviors without malice.
• Support, which involves being able to support each other consistently; being able to depend upon someone.

Other things that draw people together in friendship may include: common interest, similarity of values and attitude, warmth, ability to keep confidences, age, background, loyalty and gender.

The avenues through which friendship can be made include: peer group, neighborhood, school/class mates, religious gatherings, workplace, and playgroup. Friendship is so important because:

• People learn social skills from friendship
• It provide opportunity for people to share experiences
• It promote self-esteem
• It helps build self-confidence
• It provides companionship
• It involves fun, sharing and caring
• It promotes mutual respect
• Appropriate inter-personal communication skills are developed

865  Forum / Relationships & Romance / Why Do Women Put Up With Abuse? on: 20-03-2010 11:30 AM

Women consistently put up with abuse for several reasons. One is their own upbringing which tells them that man is superior and they have to depend on them for a living. Also, the way they were treated as children. They often hold themselves responsible for the abuse even if it has been inflicted by a parent or anyone else.

A lot of women all over the world are subject to domestic violence and yet they do not leave the relationship. The victims of domestic violence are highly resistant to change. Also, the abuser lives like a phantom in the victim's mind and the victim will refuse to do anything without the consent of the abuser.

Women as victims go through several changes in their thinking pattern. They eventually start believing that they are no good, they are not a real person and also they cannot do anything better. All these things are actually a result of the brain washing the abuser has inflicted on the victims.

Domestic violence is an extremely destructive relationship for the woman to have. The sooner she gets out, the better for her. The woman who is in a domestic violence relationship is battered, insulted, humiliated, and controlled. Simultaneously she hopes the partner will change, she believes that trying harder can bring about a change, always feeling that she is walking on egg shells. She also feels that she has no place to go and also is scared of living without support.

These are some of the reasons why she would never leave a relationship.
866  Forum / Relationships & Romance / Survival Tactics For Women With Excessively Jealous Partners! on: 20-03-2010 11:26 AM

The thought of writing an article about jealousy was, foreboding to say the least. My own personal experience in this area is the best I can call upon to offer any kind of advice on this subject. This green- eyed nasty is an absolute killer of relationships and friendships and when it shows itself you can be in for a very rough time. To hopefully avoid this outcome I would like to help you with some strategies that will enable you to survive the actions of a very jealous partner.

I remember meeting this person on a night out in town. I had been out of a relationship for some time but still had that poor me, feeling going on. We got talking and some time down the track we began living together. I am a fairly up beat person so I generally tried to keep the atmosphere happy when my partner seemed to be experiencing the blues, what I did not see was this person was constantly moody and very quick to criticize. After some time I began to feel somewhat fed up with my partners reaction to every move I made and started to voice my feelings on the subject.

I was not prepared for the next thing that happened, as I felt a massive bang to my head which threw me to the floor in a total state of pain and confusion. That is what I got for having my say at last. This was a first for me so once the room stopped spinning and I regained my focus I found myself feeling really angry. I verbalised my objection just in time to feel the floor against my face again. I must have been a warrior in another life because I picked myself up, desperately trying to stifle the tears and took myself out of the house. My partner followed me with accusations about people I had talked too, my dress code and the amount of make up I liked to wear. The person standing in front of me had become in that moment a complete stranger.

The abuse continued for some time as my other half worked very hard to get me under their control. Its hard to believe that a sane woman like myself could have ended up in a situation like this and my friends now find it hard to believe that I let it happen. The moral of this story is no matter how strong a person you may be, when you enter a relationship with an obsessively jealous person they can beat you down, till you no longer trust yourself.

I was a lucky one because the events that followed seemed like a gift from above. I had a stomachache for days so I went to see a doctor, which was rare, as I did not visit anyone anymore. This doctor gently asked me if everything was okay at home and if not, she knew of a lovely lady counsellor who I could talk too. The next day while my partner was out I took myself to the counsellors office and waited with some apprehension. She was great and I felt my sanity slowly returning. Back at home I was interrogated about where I had been and the usual followed. A couple of days later I got to the office along with a bleeding nose but as you can see I was determined to find myself again.

The counsellor took one look at me and told me to leave this person immediately as I was not safe. Some hours later I managed to do this. I spent considerable time healing from this relationship, but can say now that today I am stronger, happier person, loving my life. As humans we have an incredible survival instinct and ability to beat the odds. This partner moved onto their next victim and I feel for them. Obsessive jealousy is very serious stuff I can tell you that from experience, but the light at the end of the tunnel is help is out there so grab onto it. I hope this has helped anyone who has found themselves in this horrific situation. You can make it out and have a fantastic life!

Linda E Cole
867  Forum / Relationships & Romance / Re: IS THERE ANY TRUE LOVE? on: 28-01-2010 04:23 PM
True unconditinal luv does exist but compatibility is always d problem.
868  Forum / Relationships & Romance / Re: MONEY VS TRUE LOVE on: 28-01-2010 04:12 PM
First of al, i beliv it has to b lovs 'n' money not 'vs' . Love is like a car it nids fuel, lubricants n regular maintenance to kip it at top me u wil nid möney to kip d fire burnin.
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