pastor:if u know that your wife is beautiful then come out and sow a wonderful seed.
anyway, people  whose wife were beautiful started responing to the pastor's request.so them begin dey drop ten thouand, 20ton, 30 and so on.but this particular guy came out and dropped one miserable 5 naira. so the pastor noticed the amount the guy dropped and called his attention.

pastor to the guy:mr man, is your wife not beautiful why did u have to drop 5 naira in to the offering box.

man to the pastor:pastor mmmmm, if u see my wife pastor, infact u go give me change     

there is waz dis pastor wey dey thief church money everytime they're in prayer, he will make sure evry1 close his/ha eyes b4 he will start 2 pray. so one day afta d oferin he ordered evry1 2 close him eye mak dem pray, of course as usual evry1 did, he started prayin............d pastor then deep his hands in2 d oferin bowl pack some money and wen he wanted to put d money into his pocket he opened his eyes to look around he meet eye to eye with  one elder who came late, d pastor waz very brave to say BLESSED ARE THOSE THAT SEE AND KEEP QUITE and d elder replied FOR THEY SHALL RECEIVE THEIR REWARD AFTER THE SERMON. as in they will share the money afta d church

An American, a Japanese, and a Nigerian were sitting unclothed in the sauna. Suddenly there is a beeping sound.

The American presses his forearm and the beeping stops. The others look at him questioningly. "That's my pager," he says. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later a phone rings. The Japanese lifts his palm to his ear. When he finishes he explains, "That's my mobile I have a microchip in my hand."

The Nigerian, feeling decidedly low-tech but not to be outdone, decided he had to do something just as impressive.

He steps out of the sauna and goes to the toilet. He returns with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his butt. The others raised their eyebrows and said, "Wow! What's that?"

"I'm getting a Fax," he explains.

E get one man wey come spend xmas with im pikin for Lagos.

Na so two of dem go market one day go buy things to take cook food.Dem buy life chicken,turkey pepper,tomato,rice,....all medemede sha wey dem go take cook.

When dem don almost reach house, na im the pikin remember say im never buy curry, thyme and onion.E come give im papa the house keys say make im carry the other things go house so that im go buy the things wey dem forget to buy.

Small time reach the chicken comot form Papa hand begin dey run, dey go.People come see papa start to dey laff na im dem ask am say why im dey laff chicken dey go?.....e say,silly chicken,im think say im go reach house enter before me when na me hold the key to the house........

It was the first day of the session and a new direct entry student

Mensah, a  Ghanaian joined the class in one of Nigerria's university.

The Lecturer said, "Let's begin by reviewing some Nigerian history.
 
          Who said 'I shall return to die in the land of my fathers'"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Mensah, who had his hand up

"King Jaja of Opobo, 1875"

"Very good!
 
            Who said 'the land use act will feed the nation'"?

Again, no response except from Mensah: "Obasanjo, 1976".

The Lecturer snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Mensah
who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do"

The lecturer heard a loud whisper: " Ghana must go" "Who said that?" she demanded

Mensah put his hand up. "Buhari, 1984".

At that point, a student in the back scornfully said,
 
              "Hmmm, you think you are smart"

The Lecturer glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Mensah said "Babangida to Abiola, 1992."

Now furious, another student yelled, 
 
            "Oh yeah? Eat this!"

Mensah jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the
lecturer, "Indian mistress to Abacha, 1998!"

Now, with almost mob hysteria, someone said, 
 
          "You little Shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you"

Mensah frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Chris Uba to Ngige,2004!


The Lecturer fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor,
someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble now!"

A man died & goes to hell. There he finds that there is a
> different hell for each country and decides he'll pick the least
> painful to spend his eternity.
> He goes to the German hell & asks, "What do they do here?" He is
> told "first they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then
> they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German
> devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day". The man
> does not like the sound of that at all so he moves on. He checks
> out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He
> discovers that they are all similar to the German hell.
> Then he comes to the Nigerian hell and finds that there is a long
> queue of people waiting to get in...Amazed, he asks, "What do they
> do here?" He is told "first they put you in an electric chair for
> an hour, then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. The
> Nigerian devil comes in & whips you for the rest of the day."
> But that is exactly the same as all the other hells, why are there
> so many people waiting to get in?" asks the man. A concerned
> fellow calls him aside and said,
> "Because there is never any electricity so the electric chair
> doesn't work.
> The nails were paid for but were never supplied by the contractor,
> so the bed is comfortable to sleep on.And the Nigerian devil used
> to be a civil servant,
> so he comes in, signs his time sheet and goes back home for other
> business!!"
> ............ ..... IT PAYS TO BE A NIGERIAN!

Gabriel came to the Lord and said, "I have to talk to you. I have some Nigerians up here in Heaven who are causing some problems. They are swinging on the Pearly Gates, my horn is missing, and they've got Maggi sauce and Ogbono soup all over their robes; hamhocks, Isi-ewu, Cow-feet and Bokoto bones are all over the streets of Gold.

Some folk are walking around with one wing, they have been late taking their turn in keeping the stairway to heaven clean. There are soda bottles all over the clouds, some aren't even wearing their halos, saying it doesn't fit with their hairstyles."

The Lord said, "I made them special, as I did you, my angel. Heaven is home to all my children. If you really want to know about problems, let's call the Devil."

The Devil answered the phone, "Hello? What the...!, hold on one minute." The Devil returned to the phone and said, "Hello Lord, what can I do for you?"

The Lord replied, "Tell me what kind of problems you are having down there."

The Devil said, "Wait one minute," and put the Lord on hold.

After 5 minutes he returned to the phone, and said "Okay, I'm back. What was the question?"

The Lord said, "What kind of problems are you having down there?"

The Devil said, "Man, I don't belieee.....hold on, Lord". This time the Devil was gone for 15 minutes.

The Devil returned and said, "I'm sorry Lord, I can't talk right now. These Nigerians put the fire out, and now they are trying to install air conditioning! They even bribed my guys!!"

A man is being chased by a lion in the jungle.
As he gets tired and feels he can't run anymore he stands still and prays.

'GOD WOULD YOU PLEASE MAKE THIS
LION A CHRISTIAN!'

As requested, God makes the lion a Christian.
As it reaches him, the lion kneels down and prays;

'THANK YOU LORD FOR PROVIDING THIS
MEAL. BLESS AS I EAT. AMEN'

encourage dis guy small now. very funny

not funny

After 3 years of selfless service, a man realized he has not been promoted, transfered. his salary has not been increased, no commendation & the company is not doing anything about it. the man walked up to the manager.
After his complaint, the manager told him he hadn't worked in the company for a day. he told him to sit so he could explain what he meant to him.

MANAGER: how many days are there in a year?
MAN:         365days & sometimes 366
MANAGER: how many hours make up a day?
MAN:         24hours
MANAGER: how long do you work in a day?
MAN:         8am to 4pm i.e 8 hours
MANAGER: so what fraction of the day do you work?
MAN:         8/24 i.e 1/3
MANAGER: good, what is 1/3 of 366 days?
MAN:         122days
MANAGER: do you come to work on weekends?
MAN:         no
MANAGER: how many days are in a year that are weekends?
MAN:         52 saturdays & 52 sundays=104 days
MANAGER: remove 104 from 122, how many days left?
MAN:         18 days
MANAGER: OK, i do give you two weeks leave. now remove 14 from 18. how many days do you have remaining?
MAN:         4 days
MANAGER: do you come to work on worker's day?
MAN:         no sir
MANAGER: how many days left?
MAN:         3 days
MANAGER: do you work on new year day?
MAN:         no sir
MANAGER: do you work on the independence day?
MAN:         no sir
MANAGER: how many days left?
MAN:         1 day left
MANAGER: do you work on christmas day?
MAN:         no sir
MANAGER: how many days left?
MAN:         none sir
MANAGER: so what are you damming for?
MAN:         i now understand sir, thanks for all the money you've been giving me. i'm sorry for trying to steal from the company.

A guy finally got tickets to the Super Bowl, but his seats were in the nosebleed section -- but he didn't care, he had always dreamed of going to the Super Bowl. So he wants to find a seat closer to where he can see better. He finds this seat toward the front and he asks the guy next to it whether anyone is sitting there.

The guy replies, "No, because my wife just died."

"Well," says the first man, "why didn't you just bring a friend or relative?"

The guy replied, "Oh, they're all at the funeral."

Four Stages Of Life

Stage One: You believe in Santa Claus.

Stage Two: You don't believe in Santa Claus.

Stage Three: You become Santa Claus.

Stage Four: You look like Santa Claus.

Q4. WHY ARE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A : Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go, they take your house and car with them

A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street.
However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.
After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position.
He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a sold ring.
Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"
To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"

A guy with bright blue, green and orange color hair was standing at a bus stop.
Few moments later an elderly man stood near him and kept staring at him hard.
Annoyed by the stares the guy asked him, "Wotz up oldie! Never done something wild?"
To this the old man replied, "Yeah,I f*cked a peahen once and I'm wondering if you are my son."

three friends live in a flat on the 75th floor of a building. the elevator stopped working & they decided to use the stairs. they decided that someone would tell jokes for 25 floors, another will sing for 25 floors & the 3rd friend will tell sad stories for the remaining 25 floors. the 1st friend told jokes for 25 floors, the 2nd sang for another 25 floors. when they got to the 69th floor, the third friend said: "i've been telling sad stories since the 51st floor, now i will tell the saddest story of my life, i forgot the key to the flat in the car".

a man once had a car which he cherished very much. he woke up one morning & it was missing. he reported to the police station & later   the car was found ten blocks away from his house with a note which reads: "you can have your car back, we would rather walk"