She should be given more than enough bananas in cell.

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her 40th birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Happy Meal along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then, it was off to a movie - the latest Disney and what a fabulous adventure!

Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?" One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size." The moral of this story is: When a woman speaks and a man is actually listening, he will still get it wrong.

My parents recently retired. Mom always wanted to learn to play the piano, so dad bought her a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, I asked how she was doing with it. "Oh, we returned the piano." said My Dad, "I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet instead."

"How come?" I asked. "Because," he answered, "with a clarinet, she can't sing."

A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made
a mess." "And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Lucy raised a hand and said, "Our family are farmers, too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks and the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched." "That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am! My daddy told me this story about my Aunt Marge. She was a flight engineer during Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a Machete. So .. she drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break. Then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed 70 of them with the machine gun until it ran out of bullets! Then she killed 20 more with the machete till the blade broke; then she killed the last 10 with her bare hands." "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?" "Stay away from Aunt Marge when she's been drinking."

"What time does the library open?" the man on the phone asked.
"Nine A.M." came the reply. "And what's the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?"
"Not until nine A.M.?" the man asked in a disappointed voice.
"No, not till nine A.M.!" the librarian said. "Why do you want to get in before nine A.M.?"
"Who said I wanted to get in?" the man sighed sadly. "I want to get out."

3 guys were riding in a car: a hardware technician, a systems analyst, and a programmer. The systems analyst is driving and when they come to a steep hill he finds that the brakes have failed and the car is accelerating out of control.

So, the driver pumps the emergency brake, downshifts the gears, and rubs the wheels' rims against the curb. He finally wrestles the car to a stop. The three climb out and assess the situation.

Hardware tech: "Let's try and fix it. I'll crawl under the car and take a look. "

Systems analyst: "No. I think we should get someone qualified to fix it, a specialist in brakes."

Programmer: "Why don't we just get back in and see if it happens again?"

Well Done

I'm i supposed to laugh on this?

@stephen: First day wey u encourage person.

9ice 1

Joe, Billy, and Tom were walking home from school one warm spring day. As they were cutting through the alleys and back yards they happened to look through a hole in the fence of one of the yards, where a woman was sunbathing in the Nood.

As they looked through the hole, suddenly Billy started to scream and took off running for home. He ran so fast that his 2 friends, trying to catch him were soon left far behind.

The next day, as they came home again, they found the same hole in the fence and started to watch the woman. Again, after just a few minutes, Billy started screaming, and took off like a shot.

On the third day, Johnny and Tommy agreed on a plan. They would be between Billy and home if he started to run, and they would find out what the problem was. Just as before, Billy could only look for a few minutes then he started to run for home. This time, Johnny and Tommy grabbed him and demanded to know what was wrong.

"My mother told me that if I ever looked at a naked woman, I would turn to stone. I started to feel something getting awfully hard ..."

It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote
reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared. But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?" "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very, very cold winter."
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find. Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again.
"Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely," the man replied. "It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever. "How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked. The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting wood like crazy........

Na wa ooooo. Which kind thing bne dis 2day sef?

A Madam in Lavington opened the brothel door to see a frail, elderly gentleman. “Can I help you?” the madam asked.
“I want Ciku,” the old man replied.
“Sir, Ciku is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else...”
“No, I must see Ciku.” Just then Ciku appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $10,000 per visit. Without blinking, the man reached into his pocket and handed her ten $1,000 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour, whereupon the man calmly left.
The next night he appeared again demanding to see Ciku. Ciku explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts...it was still $10,000 a visit. Again the old man took out the money, the two went up to the room and an hour later, he left.
When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again he handed Ciku the money and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour Ciku questioned the old man: “No one has ever used my services three nights in a row. Where are you from?”
The old man replied, “I’m from Kiambu.”
“Really?” replied Ciku. “I have family who lives there.”
“Yes, I know,” said the old man. “Your father died last month, and your mother sent me. She asked me to give you the $30,000 your father left you.”

What nonsense?

A class in grade school was watching their teacher(who was dressed in a mini-skirt and low-cut top)writing on the board and one of the kids started giggling.she turned around and asked the kid what he was on about,and he said he had seen her bra.shetold him'you are suspended from my class until the next lesson!'and continued writing on the board.soon after,another kid started giggling;she turned round and asked what the second boy was on about and,he said he had seen her thighs;he was suspended for the semester.by this time she was so mad,she had dropped her piece of chalk on the floor and as soon as she bent over to pick it up,a third kid went off;she stood and turned towards the kid and before she could say anything,the kid was at the door and she asked him where he was going and the kid goes like ''i guess from what i have seen,i wont be coming back to school again''

Dr sherlock Holmes and Watson go camping and pitch their tent under the stars.
during the night, holmes wakes his companion and says:Watson, look up at the stars and tell me what you deduce."
Watson says:"i see millions of stars,and even a few of those have planets,it's quiet likely there are planets like earth,and if there there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life."
Holmes replies:"Watson, you idiot. where's our tent?......

A preacher was told by his doctor that he had only a few weeks left to live.

He went home feeling very sad, and when his wife heard the sad news she said to him, "Honey, if there's anything I can do to make you happy, tell me."

The preacher answered, "You know, dear, there's that box in the kitchen cabinet with what you always called "your little secret" in it and you said you never would want me to open it as long as you lived. Now that I'm about to go home to be with the Lord, why don't you show me what's in that secret box of yours?"

The preacher's wife got out the box and opened the lid. It contained $100,000 and three eggs.

"What are those eggs doing in the box?" the preacher asked.

"Well, Honey," she replied, "every time your sermon was really bad I put an egg in the box."


Now the preacher had been preaching for over forty years, and seeing only three eggs in that old shoe box, he started to feel very proud about himself and it warmed his soul.

"And what about that $100.000?"" he asked.

"Oh, you see," she whispered softly, "every time there were a dozen eggs in the box, I ..sold them."