| A famous prostitute died. People were confused as what should be written on her grave. Finally, on the advice of a wise man, they wrote: AT LAST SHE SLEPT ALONE!!!
A man would come home very late and very drunk every night. His wife decides to teach him a lesson by dressing up like Satan and scaring him. When he finally stumbles across the lawn, his wife jumps out and howls like a demon. He looks at her and slurs, "You don't scare me. I'm married to your sister"!
A classic case of "no weapon fashioned against me shall prosper": A baby was born laughing really hard with its fist tightly closed, chuckling and dandling happily. Everyone in the room was perplexed, wondering what's up with the baby. One of the confused nurses unfolded its tiny fingers and found a birth control pill!!!
A boy takes a girl on a date. She orders costly champagne, oysters, lobsters, the most expensive food on the menu. The boy asks: ‘Do you eat like this at your mother's place’?. The girl replies: ‘No. My mother doesn't plan to sleep with me later.’
An American, an English man, and a Nigerian were on a ship, Suddenly the Devil appeared and said, "Drop anything in the sea, if I find it I will eat u, If I can't, I will be ur slave!" The American dropped a pin, the Devil found it and ate him. The English man dropped a coin, the Devil found it and ate him too. The Nigerian opened a bottle of water, poured it in the sea and said: "Na today? find am”.
A man fainted outside Mr. Biggs and soon a crowd formed around him to see; A passer-by suggested, "give him some water, it will help". The man heard this and opened one eye and replied, "commot from here, if na water I wan drink, I for go faint for water board..."
An Ibo man was converted to Islam, after all said and done; he was asked what name he would like to bear, he was given options of Ibrahim (Abraham), Suleiman (Solomon), Musa (Moses) and others. He asked what good were the names, then the Imam told him that if u choose any name there will be hope that God will bless you the way he blessed those with the names originally, then the Ibo man asked: "how about Dangote"?
Husband comes home from Church, greets his wife, lifts her up and carries her around the house. The wife is so surprised and asks smiling, "did the Pastor preach about being romantic"? Out of breath the husband replies, "No, he said we must carry our burdens..."
Pastor: ‘Turn to ur left and say to your neighbour 'it shall be permanent in ur life’. A young boy turned to his left and saw an imbecile. Apparently confused, he stared at the imbecile for some minutes and said to him ''don't mind the pastor''. The imbecile replied ''na God save u, I for use slap kill you today”!
A lady told a guy she just met that she is a graduate and the guy said "so what is next, NYSC right"? She said: "no I don't like that because there is too much calculation involved...”
A man is sitting at home on the veranda having drinks with his wife and he says, “I love you". She asks, “Is that you or the beer talking?”. He replies, “It’s me”….. talking to the beer.
“Pastor, my dog is dead. Could there be a service for the poor creature?” Pastor replied, "No, we cannot have service for an animal in the church. But there is a new church down the road. Maybe... they will do something for the animal". The man answered “Pastor, but do you think they will accept a donation of US $250,000 in return for the burial service?” Pastor exclaimed, “Sweet Jesus! Why didn’t u tell me d dog was a christian?”
A beautiful girl was giving a pedicure to a man who is also getting a shave at a salon. The man says "what about a date later?"."Am married" she replied. The man said: "so? call your husband and tell him you are going to visit a girlfriend" She said "u should tell him yourself, he is shaving you".
A House girl went to Church on a Sunday service and the pastor preaching now ask "If you know you want to go to Heaven raise up your hand" everybody did except the girl. So an Usher beside her asked "U no wan go Heaven?, Why you no raise up your Hand?” The Girl answered: "My madam say if we don close for Church make i no go anywhere”.
Juliet: ‘hey Suzan, i just got my BlackBerry oooh... i'll buy my pin next week’. Suzan: ‘U try o! Me i don dash Jane my own...’ Juliet: ‘why?’ Suzan: ‘bcos BlackBerry don taya me, nw na BB i dey use’. Juliet: ‘is ur BB Samsung or Nokia?’ Suzan: ‘no, itz Sony Ericsson.’ Juliet: ‘okay, just give me your pin so i can call u.’ Suzan: ‘eyaaaa... am sorry, i left my pin at home. U knw its not safe walking around with your pin, e fit choke u!’.
A chick sent this text to her lover. "if u are sleeping, send me your dreams; if u are laughing, send me your laughter; if you are crying, send me your tears"; if u are eating send me ur food; even if you are using your ATM send me the money”. D Ibo boy replied, "I dey toilet.”
An Igbo man fell into a well and was screaming for help. The wife came with a rope to help, the Igbo man looked at the rope and said: "how much did you buy the rope"? The wife said "1000 naira". Still inside the well, he shouted. "What! Return it now now, go to papa Emeka at the 4th street he sells it for 300naira. Hurry up! before I die here ohhh".
Husband: ‘I have a problem at the office’. Wife: ‘After marriage, you don't say I have a problem, say we have a problem’. Husband: ‘Ok, We are expecting a baby from OUR Secretary’.
A guy was gisting his friend – ‘I told her : "I might not be rich, I have no money or villa or cars or companies like my friend John, but I love you and adore you"’. She looked at me with tears in her eyes and hugged me like there is no tomorrow and whispered in my ear........ : “If you love me introduce me to John...."
Stay Blessed |
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