AMEN

APRIL FOOL 

BIG FOOL

Ajibola Adebayo known as Holy Mallam is a household name in Nigeria’s comedy circles. He became prominent in 2090 after the release of his music comedy album, Bench warmer. With a decade long experience in comedy, the Communication Art graduate of the Lagos State University reveals what fuels his machine as a comedian. Nigerian Music Nigeria     --------One day in mid-May 2010, thousands of People ran home early from work in order to batten down their houses. Hurricane Dudus was reportedly just a few miles South South West of the uptown areas, reportedly packing wind speeds in the hundreds of miles per hour. Persons were warned to have ample supplies of candles, bully beef and other tin food available, as it was still uncertain as to whether or not this hurricane would hit, and if it would be extremely destructive.
This joke was widely circulated around May 17, 2010, when there were fierce rumors that a warrant for the arrest of Tivoli Gardens area don Christopher 'Dudus' Coke would be signed.
 
 
 
Hillybilly Divorce
A hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to a lawyer. The lawyer said, 'How can I help you?' The farmer said, 'I want to get one of them dayvorces.'

The lawyer said, 'Do you have any grounds?' The farmer said, 'Yes, I got 40 acres' The lawyer said, 'No, No, you don't understand, Do you have a suit?

The farmer said, 'Yes, I got a suit, I wears it to church on Sundays.' The lawyer said, 'No, no, I mean, do you have a case?' The farmer said, 'No, I ain't got a Case, but I got a John Deere.

The lawyer said, 'No, I mean, do you have a grudge?' The farmer said,' Yes, I got a grudge, that's where I parks the John Deere'

The lawyer said, 'Does your wife beat you up or something?' The farmer said, 'No, we both get up at 4: 30.'

By now the lawyer is getting frustrated but tries one last question. The lawyer said, 'Is your wife a nagger?' The farmer said, 'No, she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that's why I wants a dayvorce.'

OK HAND DON DEY MEET UNA 4 NORTH, NA HUNGRY GO KILL ALL OF UNA DEY ABOKI 

NA SO 

RIGHT MAN 

NOTING WRONG BABY CARRY GO AS FAR SAY UNA DEY HAPPY   

An unconfirmed security report claimed that the sect members had infiltrated the state and are planning to plant bombs in strategic places. The threat has however jolted stakeholders in the Lagos project who are currently battling with pre-security measures and strategies to tackle the insurgents' intrigues before they begin to manifest.

 
Sources within the state House of Assembly as well as top members of the Babatunde Fashola-led Executive Council say they have been urged to embark on innovations that would get the people highly educated concerning the influx of these perceived members of the dreaded sect whose activities have led to the death of several hundreds of Nigerians.

 
Huhuonline.com gathered that as a result of the porous borders and free movement of goods and services as well as people, it had been difficult for the security operatives to detect them. However, as a way to nip it in the bud, it was learnt that the State Government has approved the arrest and deportation of those considered 'illegal aliens' in the state.

 
These set of people, our source in government stressed, include those from Niger, Benin Republic, Chad and other such countries as well as parts of Nigeria where these violent activities have become a daily occurrence. Citizens of the country from the northern part who may be affected are those who are considered jobless within Lagos.

 
Huhuonline.com checks revealed that recently, in Lagos state, some alleged 'illegal aliens' entered the state, posing as herdsmen, but were later arrested with arms and substances suspected to be explosives. The suspects secretly prosecuted since the government did not want to cause panic among the residents of the state.

 
Lagos State Police Commissioner, Mr Umar Manko, considering the trend had warned that all those who considered themselves aliens, who came into the country illegally and are resident in Lagos should find their way out because the security agents would begin to clamp down on them.

 
Meanwhile, in order not to make themselves target of Boko Haram terrorists, the Commandant of the Air-force Base, Ikeja, Air Commodore Tony Omenyi, as well as the Nigerian Army Brigade Commander, Brigadier General Pat Aken, have warned their personnel to abstain from using stickers or any such thing that could easily give them away as military men in the society.

 
A top official of the state House of Assembly disclosed under condition of anonymity, that the security situation in the state was a serious debate at the State Security Council Meeting, which held recently at the Lagos House, Marina and chaired by Governor Fashola.

 
He said the state Governor also tasked the security operatives not to fail to seek government's assistance where it matters most in the fight against terrorism.

 
According to our source, another idea suggested by some of the attendees of the meeting was the outright banning of commercial motorcycles at the Alausa area of the state which is the base of government.

 
"It was also suggested that beginning from last week, the number of vehicles entering the Lagos state secretariat should be streamlined and limited only to government officials who could secure tags from the Vehicle Inspection Unit (VIO) of the state.

"But as ways to also reduce the number of vehicles for adequate monitoring of the secretariat, officials of the VIO were mandated to only give out between five and 10 tags to each Ministry, Agency or Parastatal in the state. That is why these days, you only find very few vehicles inside the secretariat."

 
Certainly, this may have been true as the early morning traffic problems caused by vehicular inspection daily around the secretariat is always harrowing.

 
Also using officials of the state's Task Force on Special Offences, the State Government recently stormed the Ikoyi area of the state where they arrested about 86 illegal squatters, food vendors and aliens in the area as part of the cleaning up exercise.

 
According to Bayo Suleiman, head of the Task Force, who co-led other officials with the Divisional Police Officer of the Ikoyi Police Station in the raid that lasted between 10 p.m. and 12 a.m., these illegal squatters mostly live in uncompleted buildings and have been posing danger to other residents of the state.

 
Suleiman said the food vendors were arrested because they have been accused of selling food to suspected criminals squatting in uncompleted buildings in the area adding that the raid would continue as long as government wants to get rid of criminal elements in the state.

 
"All those arrested would be dealt with in accordance to the Nigerian law and for those who are not Nigerians, I am very certain they would be deported.

   Abuja  Sunday, April 01, 2012

Christian Elders Forum of Northern States (NOSCEF) met yesterday in Abuja on the dwindling fortunes of the nation, saying that a bloody revolution is imminent in the country.

The group, however, said the nation does not need to head in that direction, saying that all Nigeria needs is Jesus’ revolution.
Briefing newsmen, chairman of the forum, Evangelist Mathew Owojaiye, stated that Nigeria is at a crossroads, adding that much prayer was needed to land at a safe destination.

He further stated that poverty, chaos, violence and corruption are not foundation stones for a great nation. “With our education system in shambles, youth unemployment rising, leading to frustration, crime and violence; a bloody revolution is not too far away.”

According to NOSCEF, “the Jesus revolution is all we need to halt the drift to extinction. A revolution of true patriotism, selfless leadership, care for the poor and the needy, will pull us back from the precipice.”

Owojaiye said a revolution of true love, good neighbourliness, good governance and accountability will take us to the right direction. The NOSCEF chair also said the nation needs to deal with corruption with zero tolerance, saying that “these attributes that can make Nigeria great are attributes that sincere Christians should possess.”
Noting that Northern Christian Elders had been quiet, standing aloof while darkness threatens to engulf the nation, the group said that “while Christians are not urged to join one single political party, our united voice would be a force to be reckoned with.”

On insurgency of the Islamist sect, Boko Haram, the group said it believes that it is the responsibility of the Islamic leaders in the northern part of the country to call them to order. According to the Northern Christian body, “if Boko Haram is causing problem, we expect the Muslim leaders to say, ‘you are Muslims like us, let us sit down and talk’.

“If the Federal Government negotiates with them and thy that they don’t want Christians in one part of the country, will the Federal Government not be impeached for violating the constitution? So, we expect their Muslims brothers to talk to them.”

On where the Boko Haram insurgency is leading us to, the group said they were gathered because they are not interested in knowing where the rebellion is leading the nation to, but to find a way out of the situation

2015: North can’t stop Jonathan– Clark
•Defends Tompolo’s maritime security contract
By Daniel Alabrah
Sunday, April 01, 2012

Ijaw national leader and First Republic Information Minister, Chief Edwin Kiagbodo Clark, at the weekend replied northern leaders threatening fire and brimstone if President Goodluck Jonathan contests again in 2015.

The octogenarian elder statesman insisted that it is only the Nigerian people that can decide the President’s fate if he decides to run and not any section of the country.
Clark spoke in Lagos on Friday night at the investiture of Special Adviser to the President on Niger Delta and Chairman, Presidential Amnesty Programme, Hon Kingsley Kuku, as the Maritime Man of the Year.

The event was organised by Maritime Media Limited, publishers of Shipping World Magazine.
He upbraided a section of the political class in the North, saying their attitude “shows that the region is born to rule over others in the country.”

“Nigeria belongs to all of us. There is no second-class citizen in this country and that is why I sometimes find it very difficult to believe that our northern brothers are still carrying on as if they are more Nigerian than other tribes.
“I think the best thing for anybody to do is to remain patient and honourable if after 40 years of being in the saddle in this country, power leaves you and goes to another section of the country. Does it not look worrisome that someone will one day wake up and threaten fire simply because power has shifted away from his region?

“Even though I do not want to talk about 2015 now because the time is still far, the North should know that only Nigerians have the power to stop anyone from becoming president. If Jonathan wants to run today, the North cannot stop him because apart from the fact that he has the right to run, the North should equally know that they are not born to rule over others in the country.

“Today, there is Boko Haram in the North and they blame it on the present government. It is wrong in my thinking because the reasons for the uprising of the sect did not start just yesterday. They have been there for over 40 years; and who was in power? The North. They should blame themselves for this because they did not develop the North for the unborn children of yesterday, who today are the restive youths in the region.

“Let it be known that there is a great difference between Boko Haram and the Niger Delta struggle, which some people call militancy. They are things no one should compare because the backgrounds for both are different,” Clark said.

He equally defended the maritime security concession granted by the Nigerian Maritime Administration and Safety Agency (NIMASA) to Global West Fleet Specialists Limited, which is reportedly owned by a former warlord and leader of the Movement for the Emancipation of the Niger Delta (MEND), High Chief Government Ekpemupolo (alias Tompolo).

“If someone like Tompolo, for instance, is given the concession for maritime security in the country and people complain, they are only insulting our psyche in the Niger Delta. If Tompolo, who lives on water, cannot be allowed to secure where he lives, is it in the North that he can be given such a concession? We are tired of these intrigues where whatever that is due to our people face unnecessary blackmail,” Clark said

The event attracted some of the prominent former militant ‘Generals’ in the Niger Delta such as Ateke Tom, Ebikabowei Victor-Ben (Boyloaf), Ezekiel Akpasibewei (Deadly Underdog), Bibopreye Ajube

As the implementation of sanctions for exceeding the limit of the cashless policy of the Central Bank of Nigeria (CBN) commences Monday, banks and their customers may have devised means to reap maximum benefits, BusinessDay investigations have revealed.

While the banks may have been waiting in the wings to reap handsomely from huge penalties, the customers on the other hand may be perfecting plans to evade any form of rip off. From Monday, withdrawals and lodgments above N500, 000 and N3 million will attract processing fee of 3 and 5 percent for individuals and corporate bodies, respectively.

Processing fee for lodgments above the limit for individual customers has been reviewed downwards from 10 percent to 2 percent, while the processing fee for lodgments above the limit for corporate bodies has also been reviewed downwards from 20 percent to 3 percent. However, ministries, departments and agencies, MDAs, specialised banks – microfinanace banks and primary mortgage banks, diplomatic missions, embassies, multilateral and aid donor agencies have been exempted from penalties and charges.

To this effect, customers have devised new means of evading payment of penalty and meeting their increasing need for cash on daily basis through opening of multiple accounts, while banks on the other hand are tactically refusing customers on the counter (OTC) transactions, advising them rather to use the automated teller machines (ATMs), which require paying commission on the transactions.

Also, most customers have resorted to patronising savings accounts as against the current accounts, thereby evading the Cost on Transactions (COT) charged, while at the same time reducing the usage of cheque booklets. On the part of the banks, they are exploring options of hooking up more than one account to an ATM, so as to earn them commission whenever a customer decides to make transactions through the self serving machines.

As a practical demonstration of their commitment to internet banking services, one of the banks sent an e-mail to its customers last week: “Dear valued customer, with a view to providing you with the most efficient and secure solutions available from …Bank, we introduced the Hardware Authentication Token for Internet Banking with the intention of eventually phasing out the email and SMS software tokens.

“Consequently, from July 1, 2012, we will discontinue the use of our email and SMS software authentication tokens for internet banking transfers. Further to this, the daily transfer limit using the software token has been reduced with immediate effect from….”

But, responding, one of the customers said, “I have decided to open two accounts with preference for savings to beat the COT charges and others through the use of ATMs. The banks are in the spirit of KYC (Know Your Customers), discouraging on the counter transactions. I think, what the present condition requires is patronage of savings, though will require my personal presence at the banks, but at least, I should be able to evade some of the charges, including payment for cheque books.”

BusinessDay investigations reveal further that despite the recent concessions from the CBN, occasioned by the reviews of transaction limit and charges, customers are unanimous in their submission that there is a general demand for cash either for transactions, speculative and precautionary motives, in view of the current uncertainty in the country.

But, Sanusi Lamido Sanusi, CBN governor, recently said that the review was not borne out of any pressure but based on realities on ground, saying “we have said from the very beginning that we were going to look at the limits and the charges closer to the time of implementation. “I think people didn’t believe that we were going to do it, so we started cashless Lagos and will start on April 1.

We have done our best in terms of bringing in the required technology, there would be challenges, in terms of culture, attitudes of people in terms of use of technology, but challenges have never been a reason not to have change. We will deal with them as they come along, and we have sufficient confidence and in our ability to deal with them,” Sanusi stated at the post MPC meeting recently in Abuja.

Cape Town - Zimbabwean President Robert Mugabe had guests attending the launch of Zimbabwe's Trade and Investment Policy Document in stitches when he told them that he was not too old, Radio VOP reported on Friday.

Mugabe turned 88 on February 21 and is among the oldest heads of state and government in the world today.

Mugabe, clad in a black designer suit, made the remarks after Prime Minister Morgan Tsvangirai also attending the same event in Harare said that he was "shocked to see the companies that I have visited to have and use equipment that was bought in 1923".

"I was shocked to discover that some of our equipment at some companies was bought in 1924," Tsvangirai said.

seems all imbabwean teams can do is complain over the media. why dont you complain officially to caf for them to react? it makes no sense that we hear the same complaint every now and then but no official comment or reaction from caf and people relax and think all is well.

The national U-20 women football team have became the latest victim of ill-treatment that has been subjected to local teams whenever they travel in most African countries for national duty after the team was booked in a substandard accommodation facility here.
The Young Mighty Warriors play the Falconets in a Fifa U-20 Women World Cup, first round, first leg qualifier at the artificial MKO Abeokuta International Stadium Saturday, with the reverse fixture set for Harare in a fortnight.

Kick-off is 1600hrs local time.

However, it seems the hosts are employing all the dirty tricks in the book to try and frustrate their visitors ahead of the match.

The Young Mighty Warriors, who left Harare on Wednesday morning, arrived at the Mohammad Murtala International airport in Lagos at 1930hrs after a stop-over in South Africa but had to endure three hours to go through some choreographed immigration formalities.

A lady immigration officer who attended to the team took her time as she perused each and every page on all the delegates passports.

All that time, the visibly tired players were crammed in the arrivals lounge room whose temperatures averaged 37 degrees Celsius. It was a sorry sight as the young ladies laid helplessly on the floor.

Team doctor Dorothy Masawi and physiotherapist Abigail Munikwa kept the girls going by providing water and other fluids.

When the immigration formalities finally ended, the team was taken on a two hour drive to the hosting city where they arrived just after midnight.

Having gone through the airport horror more was still waiting at the brothel-like lodge they are booked at.

The facility is located next to a night club and a high-way road that leads to neighbouring Togo.
The players said they struggled to sleep owing to the blazing music and blaring noise from vehicles predominantly heavy trucks carrying oil.

As this is not enough, the flushing system and showers in the players rooms are malfunctioning and have resorted to using buckets.

The whole city of Abeokuta has no electricity since last week due to a fault and the hotel the team is staying in is operating on a generator, and power is erratic.

Women football boss Mavis Gumbo who is head of delegation here is disappointed.

I have travelled with this team in different countries but I have never seen anything like this. The toilets and the bedding linen is dirty. We were ill-treated in Mozambique but this is much worse. In Maputo were not given good food but the accommodation was good. Here everything is bad, really bad, said Gumbo.

The food is bad also and now we have to cook the food we carried from Zimbabwe. We anticipated such treatment and even Zifa president Cuthbert Dube warned us of this but we didnt know it can come to this. This is not good for women football, added Gumbo.
Disqus

maybe na blessing 4 her 

March 31, 2012

 
By Rajeh Saeed

The killings on March 8th of two Europeans who were held hostage in Nigeria shed light on the kidnapping for ransom practice used by armed groups affiliated with al-Qaeda.

The latest incident in Nigeria that claimed the lives of Chris McManus, a British citizen, and Franco Lamolinara, an Italian, reflects a growing trend by these groups of using kidnapping for ransom as a means to finance their operations.


Africa
This despite the fact that the Islamic world does not condone these methods, which are rejected by a large segment of scholars who refuse to link Islam with holding hostages.

The kidnapping of the two men was initially claimed by a group that called itself “al-Qaeda in the land beyond the Sahel”. Reports from Nigeria and in the Western media suggest the group might be an al-Qaeda cell within the Boko Haram (Western Education is forbidden) Islamist group, which is engaged in attacks against the Nigerian government.

Expanding To Other Countries In Africa
After years of limiting its kidnap operations to Mali, Niger, Mauritania, and occasionally Algeria and southern Tunisia, it would seem that al-Qaeda, through its Maghreb branch al-Qaeda in the Islamic Maghreb (AQIM) is currently attempting to expand its profitable “kidnapping trade” to other countries to locate new sources of funding.

According to Algerian authorities, kidnapping operations targeting Westerners in the African Sahel earned al-Qaeda an estimated 50 million euros ($66 million).

Abdel Razak Bara, advisor to Algerian President Abdelaziz Bouteflika, said in a speech at a United Nations meeting on terrorism financing in 2010 that terrorist groups use the money to acquire weapons and advanced logistical equipment.

Greed is probably not AQIM’s only motivation for expanding its kidnapping operations to Nigeria. Previous kidnappings led to a significant decline in the number of Western visitors to Mali and Niger, the two countries al-Qaeda had established as bases for its kidnapping operations.

With the few Westerners who risk visiting Niger and Mali now taking security measures, AQIM likely sought to move towards Nigeria, which attracts foreigners in droves to work in its oil industries.

Although Nigeria’s special forces, in conjunction with British commandos, were unable to free the hostages before they were executed by their captors, the fact that Nigeria sought to deal decisively with the kidnappers sent a clear message that the country will not tolerate hostage-taking and that al-Qaeda is not welcome in Nigeria. The group’s leader, “Abu Mohammed”, was reported by Nigerian media to have died as a result of his injuries during the attempt to rescue the hostages.

Boko Haram was quick to deny any connection to the kidnapping of the two men, suggesting that the captors, who are reported by Nigerian and British authorities to be linked to AQIM, did not necessarily seek to support Boko Haram in its ideological struggle against the Nigerian government. Instead the kidnappers came to build a base to obtain more ransom money to add to the tens of millions of dollars they collected in the past few years.

BBC reported that Philip Hammond, Britain’s Defence Secretary, said in a hearing before the House of Commons on March 13th that Boko Haram may not be linked to AQIM directly, but some Boko Haram factions have begun referring to themselves as “al-Qaeda in Nigeria”.

Using Al-Qaeda Affiliation To Justify Crime
The kidnapping of the two Westerners confirms that the activity of al-Qaeda affiliates across Africa’s Sahel and North Africa is increasingly focused on kidnapping more than the historical struggle against the region’s ruling regimes.

AQIM may respond by saying that it conducts kidnapping operations because they provide revenue to purchase arms that in turn enable it to fight “apostate” regimes, but the current reality indicates that money has become an attractive incentive, perhaps more so than ideological justifications, for armed groups to resort to kidnapping in the name of religion. The activities of these groups suggest that they are all preoccupied with getting a “piece of the hostage-taking pie” on the Sahel.

In the past, this “trade” was the monopoly of AQIM. However, new al-Qaeda splinter groups have emerged recently that also rely on kidnapping as a source of income. Among them is a group calling itself “al-Tawhid wal Jihad in West Africa”, which kidnapped three Western aid workers (one Spanish man, one Spanish woman, and one Italian woman) from a refugee camp in south-western Algeria in October 2011.

The group, which sent out a videotape showing the hostages in December 2011, is currently negotiating their release for a reported 30 million euros ($40 million). The group reportedly broke away from al-Qaeda because it does not want to confine its activities to the North African Maghreb and Sahel and wants to expand to West Africa.

Such an expansion requires “al-Tawhid wal Jihad in West Africa” to imitate AQIM’s funding methods, notably kidnapping, as is evident in the case of the Spaniard and Italian aid workers. If the situation continues, it should not come as a surprise if more splinter groups or al-Qaeda-affiliated groups emerge in the near future, claiming to have ideological objectives to justify their activities, but do nothing other than carrying out kidnapping for ransom operations.

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Read more: nollywood, Genevieve Nnaji, entertainment news, Nollywood stars, Naomi Harris, nigerian entertainment industry, nollywood actors, nollywood actresses, actors, actresses

Caribbean babe Naomie Harris
Earlier rumor that had been swirling in the last couple of weeks had indicated that Genevieve Nnaji was set to play the role of the next bond girl, and that the agreement was almost a done deal. It has now emerged howeever, that British actress and Pirates of the Caribbean movie star Naomie Harris has edged out Genevieve as the next bond girl, according to News Of The World, a tabloid magazine in the UK.
News Of The World confirmed the story after speaking to Naomie, and below is the article they published:
PIRATES of the Caribbean babe Naomie Harris has jumped ship – and will shoot to mega stardom as the new Bond girl.
Naomie, 34, will be Daniel Craig’s sexy sidekick in the soon -to-be filmed new 007 movie.
The British actress was spellbinding as Tia Dalma, the grotesque witch in the second and third Pirate films.
And her steamy love scene with Jamie Foxx in the Miami Vice remake proved she’s the right caliber for Bond. Naomie, who stays superfit doing pilates and yoga, says: “I’m totally comfortable naked.”
Her mind’s just as agile – she graduated from Cambridge University with a degree in social and political science.
Londoner Naomie revealed she isn’t recognized in the street, despite her movie success. “I like that,” she says. “I’ve got one of those faces that people don’t recognize.”
All that is about to change as she follows in the footsteps of gorgeous Bond girls like Ursula Andress, Jane Seymour and Halle Berry.
The plot of the new film, known only by its working title Bond 23, is being kept firmly under wraps. Judi Dench will again play M and Ralph Fiennes is in the running for a role. It is due for release in November 2012.
For what is worth, Genevieve was considered for the role, which is a shining example, appreciation, and recognition for her acting prowess the world over, and a better opportunity may just be around the corner.
 http://www.africanmoviesnews.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/06/Genevieve-Nnaji11.jpg
http://www.africanmoviesnews.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/06/Genevieve-Nnaji11.jpg
http://www.nigeriadailynews.com/thumbnail.php?file=/Naomie_Harris_in_Pirates_of_the_Caribbean_3_996388618.jpg&size=article_medium

my brother i don tired 4 dis mallam

Thought they were fighting for their religion, have they also turned armed robbers? seriously these people do not know what they want in life. God bless Nigeria.

Kano - Suspected members of Islamist group Boko Haram on Friday used bombs and gunfire to attack a police station and rob a bank in northeastern Nigeria, with four people feared dead, residents said.

Residents said the assailants were in two groups and attacked the two locations nearly simultaneously in the town of Askira Uba, south of the city of Maiduguri, which has been Boko Haram's base.

"The gunmen came in droves around 11:00 am and attacked the police station with guns and explosives, setting it on fire and killing a police officer and a civilian," one resident said.

"While they were attacking the police station, another group attacked a bank some distance away, killing two people and carting away money from the vault."

Another resident gave a similar account, saying the gunmen overwhelmed the police, who engaged the attackers in a shootout and were forced to withdraw from the station.

Police could not be reached for comment.

Boko Haram has carried out scores of such attacks, mainly in the north of Africa's most populous nation, as part of its increasingly deadly insurgency.

A bid to hold indirect talks between Boko Haram and the government in recent weeks to end the violence appears to have collapsed.

- SAPA