A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas. A friend of his said, “I thought she wanted one of those sporty 4-Wheel drive vehicles.” “She did,” he replied. “But where in the hell was I gonna find a fake Jeep?”
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The young nigerian couple had just left the courthouse after being sworn in as American citizens.”It is wonderful,” the husband exclaimed. “We are American citizens at last! Do you know what this means to us my dear wife?”"Yes, you male chauvinist pig,” his wife replied. “Tonight, you cook dinner!”
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Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm. Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat. Then he went about his fishing.An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pant leg. Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms in his mouth…
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A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her.

She jumped up and slapped him silly.

He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

"Why; you drunk, worthless, insufferable son of a BITCH!" she screamed.

"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

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There once was a little old man and woman who had been married happily for 75 years. They never kept anything from each other. But, the little old woman had a box in her closet which she told her husband not to look at. He respected her wishes and thought nothing of it.

One day the little old woman got very sick and her husband was afraid she was going to pass on. So while she she was lying in bed he brought her the box she had in the closet. "I think it's time you tell me what this is about",he said to her. He opened the box and found two handmade doilies and N20,000.

The woman started to explain,"My grandmother had a long and happy marriage and before I got married she told me that the secret to a good marriage was to not get mad with your husband, She told me whenever I was mad I should just go and make a doily"

The husbands eyes filled with tears. In their long marriage of 75 years his wife had only been mad at him twice! "And what is the N20,000 for?",he asked. "Oh that's the money I got from selling the doilies"

In the box he also found a little piece of paper with a prayer on it. This is what it read:Lord, Give me the strength to love and care for others, Give me the strength to please them, And also Lord give me the strength to strangle my husband. Amen.

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A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.

Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.

The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.

When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer asking him to pay his bills for the legal advice.

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I noticed something happening at churches in Abuja and decided to check it out. I discovered that young ladies are trying to confuse pastors in churches during sermon.

I went to a church recently and i saw a pastor preaching about repentance and the pastor said " My brothers and sister you have to be a born again to enter into the kingdom of GOD" so the pastor noticed one lady with short skirt siting on a front side, so the pastor was tempted but he couldn't look below her skirt because she was below and he was above (at the altar) so he turned the preaching into something that would make him bend down, then he continued saying "Abraham was a man of GOD, he was asked to look into the future by GOD, so Abraham bend down and looked into the future" then i saw the Pastor demonstrating how Abraham bend down in the front of the lady with short skirt and he said "the future was not clear when Abraham bend down, but GOD told Abraham to bend down again and look into the future and this time the future was clear".

What do you think the pastor meant by saying "the future was clear".....?

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A man escapes from a male prison where he has been for 25 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns but he found a young couple in bed.


 He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her and kiss her neck, then he gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:


"Listen, this guy is an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."


But his wife responded and said to him: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

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A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife. The husband wanted more than a written report, he wanted video of his wife's activities.


A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together to watch it.

Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw the man and his wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee.

"I just can't believe this," the distraught husband said.

The detective said, "What's not to believe? It's right up there on the screen!"

The husband replied, "I can't believe that my wife could be so much fun!"

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There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

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The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time. Afterward, the guy laid down on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal.Afterward, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence the Prisoner was sentenced to..
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I noticed something happening at churches in Abuja and decided to check it out. I discovered that young ladies are trying to confuse pastors in churches during sermon.

I went to a church recently and i saw a pastor preaching about repentance and the pastor said " My brothers and sister you have to be a born again to enter into the kingdom of GOD" so the pastor noticed one lady with short skirt siting on a front side, so the pastor was tempted but he couldn't look below her skirt because she was below and he was above (at the altar) so he turned the preaching into something that would make him bend down, then he continued saying "Abraham was a man of GOD, he was asked to look into the future by GOD, so Abraham bend down and looked into the future" then i saw the Pastor demonstrating how Abraham bend down in the front of the lady with short skirt and he said "the future was not clear when Abraham bend down, but GOD told Abraham to bend down again and look into the future and this time the future was clear".
What do you think the pastor meant by saying "the future was clear".....?
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