If you were a man walking across the campus of Florida State University in 1978, an attractive young woman might have approached you and said these exact words: "I have been noticing you around campus. I find you to be attractive. Would you go to bed with me tonight?"

If you were that man, you probably would have thought that you had just gotten incredibly lucky. But not really. You were actually an unwitting subject in an experiment designed by the psychologist Russell Clark.

Clark had persuaded the students of his social psychology class to help him find out which gender, in a real-life situation, would be more receptive to a segxwal offer from a stranger. The only way to find out, he figured, was to actually get out there and see what would happen. So young men and women from his class fanned out across campus and began propositioning strangers.

The results weren't very surprising. Seventy-five percent of guys were happy to oblige an attractive female stranger (and those who said no typically offered an excuse such as, "I'm married"). But not a single woman accepted the identical offer of an attractive male. In fact, most of them demanded the guy leave her alone.

At first the psychological community dismissed Clark's experiment as a trivial stunt, but gradually his experiment gained first acceptance, and then praise for how dramatically it revealed the differing segxwal attitudes of men and women. Today it's considered a classic. But why men and women display such different attitudes remains as hotly debated as ever.[/b]


I'm trying to help a loved one schedule more things in their day / week / year to look forward to. I would love your help getting ideas - please tell me what kinds of things YOU personally look forward to on a regular basis?

For example - do you go somewhere particular each week that you love? Do you catch up with certain people? Do you look forward to your morning coffee or afternoon hot chocolate? Do you look forward to a specific time each week to work on your goals and projects? Do you look forward to going to the movies or a comedy club each week?

The sky's the limit, tell me what you most look forward to each day / week / year (whatever timeframe works best for you), and thank you very much for your help !

Wow. I have been reading this thread from the last page and going in reverse to get as many facts about your situation as I have time for. I hope that I don't insult you by missing anything.

I have been there before - not as extreme as your situation, but I can understand what you're saying and to a lesser degree what you're going through. My issues have been resolved and things are getting better and better (but this is not about me).

My feelings and suggestions on the matter are split into two opposite directions:

Direction 1:
My question is this? WHY would she want to change? Why would she develop a desire for you? She gets everything she needs from you. You are kind, spontaneous, loving and giving. What's more to want? So if you keep doing what you've always done, then I'd have to ask "how's that workin' for ya?" Not too well. So something's gotta change.

You don't want to express your needs to her for fear of coercing her or demanding sex from her. You don't want her to feel guilty. I understand. But: if someone keeps hurting you, they SHOULD feel guilty - they ARE guilty - in this case, guilty of neglect, a form of abuse. You cannot be silent and just wish she would stop. People change because the discomfort of remaining the same outweighs the discomfort of the change. She is ultra comfortable.

The fact is that you are living on a one way street. And for a marriage to last, it needs to be a two way street. Your need for sex is not just some mental quirk you can get over - it is a very real and actual need. For her to deprive you is irresponsible to your marriage.

I now you know this, but here it is: "The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other... ... so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control."
~ 1 Corinthians 7:1-5

Yes - it is her duty. And it is a duty to be joyfully fulfilled. Does she not want to please the most important man in her life? Something is holding her back.

I know others have suggested counseling - and I must have missed why you don't want to go (was it making her feel guilty?) - but I suggest finding a good counselor of your faith to help her see that she is doing a disservice to you, herself, your children and your marriage by denying you sex. Why? Because you are going to be tempted over and over again - your will is obviously strong, but the years will ware it down. There are one of three roads this will take: a) someone will commit adultery, b) someone will file for divorce or c) the marriage will be filled with tension and unhappiness until the end (which is a really poor environment for kids). -- (I think I read that you have children, right? - I'm really tired today - new baby keeps us up all night)

So - do not be afraid to tell her and explain it to her and get help.

Honestly - it sounds like she may have a serious issue holding her back. She may need some personal counseling and/or medication. If she loves you, she should at least explore the matter.

Direction 2 (opposite of above):
I know you have loved her and been affectionate to her all along. And I know you are considering calling it quits as far as expectations for sex are concerned (bad idea, not a healthy marriage). But as for doing nice things: perhaps if you assured her you are doing things for her because you love her and not just to get her in the sack, and then re-doubled your effort to make her feel special and loved, she may experience some changes.

I don't know how you expressed your adoration of her (besides flowers and such). But if you want to "grow" some passion and desire in her, you need to change what you're doing and shock her system. If you remove the expectation of sex, convince her that you really don't expect anything, and then make her feel really special, she just might start to turn around. However - if she has some deeper issue holding her back (which I suspect) then all the unconditional love in the world will not help.

It is worth a try. Look at Ignite Her Passion.com for more ideas and details on this (not a commercial site - no ads). If you redouble your efforts and enjoy doing nice things for your wife, then go for it.

And a third option: do Direction 2 along with faith based counseling. Hmmm… sounds pretty powerful to me...

But know this: if there is no change in two or three months, you have a God given right and duty to say something to her - before it's too late. God does not want divorce - and He does not want marriage to me miserable and devoid of sex.

I pray that you will be able to re-create your marriage into an emotionally and segxwally fulfilling one that lasts the rest of your life. You deserve it.

PS: Good job on saving yourself. I didn't and I have regrets. You know you did the right thing and did the best you could - that's more than I can say for my past. Thank God that what matters is what we do from here on.