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Forum / FunnyHub (Jokes + Comedy) / Letter to the Bank |
on: 14-02-2008 01:26 AM
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A 98 year old woman wrote this to her bank. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the Times.
Dear Sir,
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, 3 'nanoseconds' must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no
longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed
personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you
must nominate. Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory details of his/ her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28
digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:
1-- To make an appointment to see me.
2-- To query a missing payment.
3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7-- To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my
computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at a
Later date to the Authorized Contact.)
8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 8
9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music
will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.
Your Humble Client
(Remember: This was written by a 98 year old woman; DOESN'T SHE MAKE YOU PROUD?)
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Forum / FunnyHub (Jokes + Comedy) / New Girlfriend's Gift |
on: 13-02-2008 06:21 PM
| | A guy wanted to buy a gift for his new girl friend's birthday and as they had only started dating, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: personal, but not too personal. Accompanied by the girl friend's younger sister, he went to Herrod's and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, however, the clerk got the items mixed up and the sister got the gloves and the girl friend got the panties. The guy sent the package to the girl friend with the following note:
I chose these because I noticed you are not in the habit of wearing any in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the sales clerk that helped me has a pair that she has been wearing for the past three weeks and they are hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come into contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me Friday night.
All my love.
PS: The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing. | | | | |
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Forum / The Buzz Central / Re: 50TH ANNUAL GRAMMY AWARDS WINNERS LIST DONE ON 11TH FEBRUARY, 2008 |
on: 13-02-2008 01:53 AM
| | Best Rap Album is being choosed with this criteria
albums containing 51% or more playing time of VOCAL tracks
and this re d contenders
1)Finding Forever
by
Common
[Geffen]
2)Kingdom Come
by
Jay-Z
[Roc-A-Fella/Def Jam Recordings]
3)Hip Hop Is Dead
by
Nas
[Def Jam/Columbia/The Jones Experience]
4)T.I. vs T.I.P.
by
T.I.
[Grand Hustle/Atlantic]
& d Winner
5) Graduation
by
Kanye West
[Roc-A-Fella Records]
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Forum / The Buzz Central / 50th annual grammy awards winners list done on 11th february, 2008 |
on: 12-02-2008 08:47 PM
| | 2008 Grammy Winners List with
Kanye West, Amy Winehouse Lead The List
1)Record Of The Year Winner:
Rehab
by
Amy Winehouse
2)Album Of The Year Winner:
River: The Joni Letters
by
Herbie Hancock
3)Song Of The Year Winner:
Rehab
by
Amy Winehouse, songwriter (Amy Winehouse)
Track from: Back To Black
4)Best New Artist Winner:
Amy Winehouse
5)Best Female Pop Vocal Performance Winner:
Rehab
by
Amy Winehouse
Track from: Back To Black
6)Best Male Pop Vocal Performance Winner:
What Goes Around...Comes Around
by
Justin Timberlake
7)Best Pop Performance By A Duo Or Group With Vocals Winner:
Makes Me Wonder
by
Maroon 5
Track from: It Won't Be Soon Before Long
8)Best Pop Collaboration With Vocals Winner:
Gone Gone Gone (Done Moved On)
by
Robert Plant & Alison Krauss
9)Best Pop Instrumental Performance Winner:
One Week Last Summer
by
Joni Mitchell
Track from: Shine
10)Best Pop Instrumental Album Winner:
The Mix-Up
by
Beastie Boys
11)Best Pop Vocal Album Winner:
Back To Black
by
Amy Winehouse
12)Best Dance Recording Winner:
LoveStoned/I Think She Knows
by
Justin Timberlake
13)Best Electronic/Dance Album Winner:
We Are The Night
by
The Chemical Brothers
14)Best Traditional Pop Vocal Album Winner:
Call Me Irresponsible
by
Michael Bublé
15)Best Solo Rock Vocal Performance Winner:
Radio Nowhere
Bruce Springsteen
Track from: Magic
16)Best Rock Performance By A Duo Or Group With Vocals Winner:
Icky Thump
by
The White Stripes
17)Best Hard Rock Performance Winner:
The Pretender
by
Foo Fighters
18)Best Female R&B Vocal Performance Winner:
No One
by
Alicia Keys
19)Best R&B Album winner:
Funk This
by
Chaka Khan
20)Best Rap/Sung Collaboration winner:
Umbrella
by
Rihanna Featuring Jay-Z
Track from: Good Girl Gone Bad
21)Producer Of The Year, Non-Classical Winner:
• Mark Ronson
• Back To Black (Amy Winehouse) (T)
• Littlest Things (Lily Allen) (T)
• Rehab (Amy Winehouse) (T)
• Version (Mark Ronson) (A)
• You Know I'm No Good (Amy Winehouse) (T) | | | | |
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Forum / Sports / Re: Pharaohs of Egypt |
on: 12-02-2008 08:44 PM
| | Actually, i want Ivory-coast to win the tournament but unfortunately, I'm always with the winner so I'm left with no choice than to stick with the Pharaohs 'cause dey are the bes team in the tournament.
kudos to Hassan Shehata(the coach) | | | | |
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Forum / Sports / Re: who is the highest paid footballer |
on: 7-02-2008 04:31 PM
| | Hi pals,
Chelsea skipper John Terry still earns £130,000 per week, which makes him premier League’s highest earner before, although Andriy Shevchenko is also on the same grade and Micheal Ballack earns £121,000 per week.
Cristiano Ronaldo have just sealed a new contract which earns him £140,000 per week and makes him the new premier League’s highest earner now.
The highest paid footballer still remains David Beckham that plays for LA Galaxy in Major league Soccer, in which he gets the contract of £128million ($250 million) five-year deal which works out to be half-a-million pounds (£500,000) per week. | | | | |
