Chris Ihidero Unedited: Goldie, Farouk Lawan, Femi Fani-Kayod​e…Some recent anno

8 years ago by: AYORINDE MAYOWA
-- (m) at 26-06-2012 09:50AM

(826 | Upcoming)

O boy eh, this Farouk Lawan mess dey smell o!”

“What’s so smelly about it? It’s just another day in the office. I don’t see what all the hue and cry is for.”

“But you sabi Farouk na! That na my guy o. He don pafuka many people career with plenty probe na, Chai, Farouk fall my hand! How him go fall for that kain set up?”

“What set up? It’s really amazing how wet behind the ears you Nigerians can be. The only set up in this episode is the shenanigan of the probe panel itself. How you all can’t see it beats me.”

“Wetin that English come mean? Say the entire probe sef na set up?”

“Certainment! Clear as a blue sky. What iota of conviction do you have in the dunderheads that currently inhabit the rocky villa that they would do anything about a probe that will naturally implicate them? You Nigerians can be incredulously naive sometimes.”

“Guy, cool down first. Na ontop this matter you dey speak all this English?”

“To think that I thought Farouk was intelligent. When you are probing an industry that does business in billions of dollars, you don’t ask for a bribe of $3m and you don’t collect $620, 000 advanced payment and then stuff it in your cap and babariga. You ask for a billion dollars and they’ll pay it. You never directly interface with anybody; money is delivered in metal briefcases at drop points you inform them of at the very last minute. Pick up is done by a third party. DID YOU NEVER SEE 24?! OR PRISON BREAK!! Foolish boy, there goes your reputation and future political ambition, all for crumbs falling off the subsidy table!

“Choi, Farouk own don done!”

“There are better things to talk about…have you been watching Big Brother Stargame?

“Bros, abeg no vex me for here! I hate that Big Brother nonsense!”

“Oh, wow. What may be responsible for such exhibition of heightened emotion?”

“You no dey watch the thing? I swear, that Goldie girl no be Nigerian! I never see where a Nigerian fall mumu for person like that. Abeg make dem check her blood. No person wey them born as original Nigerian go turn mumu like that for anybody, never!”

“Amazing. But you haven’t said what exactly she’s doing that’s annoying you…”

“Wetin she dey do inside that house wey no dey vex person, bros? Shey na as she dey wake that stupid Prezzo every morning, carry food go give am, dey rub him back as he dey chop? Abi na as she dey follow am everywhere like duck? If he wan piss, she go hold him prick for am. If he wan spit, she go help am separate him lips; na life be dis? You don see where people gather dey talk and the Nigerian wey dey there no get opinion? Na so housemates go gather dey talk, Goldie go tanda there dey look like turkey, one word fiam she no go contribute! I swear make them go ask her parents where them see am; this one no be proper Nigerian pikin!”

“Oh, wow! Interesting stuff. But what if it’s all a strategy and she wins at the end of the day?”

“Which kain nonsense win be that? We no wan that kain win abeg. Win wey you take spoil the name of your fatherland? How she wan make other Africans dey take look Nigerians, say we be weak people?”

“Are you suggesting that the sum total of how Nigerians are perceived by other Africans can be determined by the participation of one Nigerian in a reality show? I think not. Rest assured that there’s general continental hatred for Nigerians, due largely to your perceived superior intelligence, or at least your braggadocio to that effect.

“I don talk my own. In fact, when she come back, na make boys arrange brushing for am onto the disgrace wey she disgrace this country.”

“Well, I wish someone would arrange such brushing for Femi Fani-Kayode so he can shut the hell up.”

“Who be that one?”

“Some failed politician wannabe statesman who certainly suffers from acute oral diarrhea.”

“No be that former Minister for Aviation be that?”

“The very same.”

“Wetin him talk say dey worry am?”

“He has been seeking relevance again since the recent plane crash, talking nonsense about how he permanently had a stadiumful of prayer warriors who constantly cast and bound the evil spirits responsible for air mishaps in Nigeria during his tenure. Such shameless plugging is insensitive and irresponsible, even for FFK, and he needs to stop before one is forced to remind him what Soyinka said about the distribution of intelligence in his lineage.”

“Choi, abeg wetin Prof talk about how God share common sense for dem family?”

“It ran out long before his birth.”

-- PoliticxGuru (m) at 3-09-2015 01:37AM
(14171 | Hero)

im mess dey smell well well