A boy and his Father visiting from a Nigeria were at an American shopping mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.
The boy asked his Father, "What is this Father?".
The Father responded, "Son I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don`t know what it is!".
While the boy and his Father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up.
They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a voluptuous 24-year-old woman stepped out.
The Father said to his son, "Go get your Mother".
Posted: at 1-06-2008 11:20 PM (15 years ago) | Newbie
Marriage > > You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be > > miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
> > At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, > > "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" > > "Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."
> > A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds: "Husband Wanted" > > Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the > > same thing: "You can have mine."
> > When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge > > than to let her keep him.
> > A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.
> > A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost > > to get married?" > > Father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying."
> > A young son asked, "Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa > > a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" > > Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."
> > Then there was a woman who said, > > "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, > > and by then, it was too late."
> > Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
> > If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every > > word you say -- talk in your sleep.
> > Just think, if it wasn't for marriage, men would go through life > > thinking they had no faults at all.
> > First guy says, "My wife's an angel!" Second guy remarks, > > "You're lucky. Mine's still alive."
A Woman's Prayer:
> > Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom, to understand a man, to love and > > to forgive him, and for Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if > > I pray for Strength, I'll just beat him to death.
AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!!
> > Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine > > children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the > > bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the > > nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the > > blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets > > irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he > > taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, > > "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? > > That tickingsound is driving me crazy." > > The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the > > end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus ... so shut the hell up."
Posted: at 1-06-2008 11:21 PM (15 years ago) | Newbie
Little Johnny and his grandfather have gone fishing. After a while grandpa gets thirsty and opens up his cooler for some beer. Little Johnny asks, "Grandpa can I have some beer too?" "Can you stick your penis in your A*#S?" grandpa asked back. "No" "Well, than your not big enough" Granpa then takes out a cigarette and lights up. Little Johnny sees this and asks for a cigarette. "Can you stick your penis in your A*#S?" grandpa asked again. "No" "Well, than your not big enough" Little Johnny gets upset and pulls out some cookies. His grandfather says, "Hey, those cookies look good, can I have some?" Little Johnny asks, "Can you stick your penis in your A*#S?" Grandpa looks at Johnny and senses his trick so he says, "Well of course I can, I'm big enough." Little Johnny then says, "Well, then go phyuk yourself, these are my cookies"
Posted: at 2-06-2008 08:50 PM (15 years ago) | Newbie
An elderly Jewish gentleman marries a much younger woman. No matter what he does segxwally, the wife never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to segxwal pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi. The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and made the following suggestion: "Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm." They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It doesn't help and she is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi. "Okay," he says to the husband, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them." Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel! The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting screaming orgasm. The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly: "You see, you young schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel!"
Posted: at 2-06-2008 08:53 PM (15 years ago) | Newbie
A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect.
At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails. Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach.
As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach.
He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?" He went back to gathering the snails.
All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They ended up spending the night together.
At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!"
He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails.
There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time.
He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!!" *
when im bored again i will post more
Posted: at 2-06-2008 09:29 PM (15 years ago) | Newbie
Superman is bored fighting crime everyday. So one Friday night he decides to go out in the town to have some fun. He drops by Batman's house.
'Hey Batman', he says 'Wanna' go out tonight?'
No I can't', replies Batman. 'The Batmobile is broken and I gotta' stay home and fix it, or else I won't be able to fight crime'.
'You loser,' says Superman and flies away. He decides to stop by Spiderman's house. 'Hey, Spidy, how about hitting the town tonight, you and me,' he says.
'I'd love to, but I can't', replies Spiderman. 'My web is broken and I gotta' fix it to fight crime'.
Superman, all disgusted says 'You loser. Stay home on a Friday night and fix your damn web'.
So he flies away. While flying from up above he spots Wonder Woman stark naked and lying down on her back spread-eagle. Superman thinks, 'Hey, I am Superman, I can fly down there at the speed of light, have a quickie and fly back out and she won't even feel it.'
Superman flies down, does a quick in-out-in-out and flies back out at the speed of light.
Wonder Woman says, 'What the hell was that?' The Invisible man says, 'I don't know but my ass is killing me!'
Posted: at 4-06-2008 07:13 PM (15 years ago) | Newbie
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said,' Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die.'
'Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as this could further his stress.'
'Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by being pleasant and giving him plenty of back rubs. Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on television.'
'And, most importantly satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.'
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, 'What did the doctor say?'
'You're going to die,' she replied.
A young guy out on the town with his mates spies the girl of his dreams across the dance floor. Having admired her from afar he finally gets up the courage to talk to her. Everything goes better than expected and she agrees to accompany him on a date the following Saturday evening. Saturday night the man arrives at her house with flowers and candy.
To his surprise, she answers the door in nothing but a towel. "I'm sorry," she exclaims, "I am running a bit late. Please come in and I'll introduce you to my parents who will entertain you while I finish getting dressed. I should warn you, though, they are both deaf mutes."
With this she ushers him into the living room, introduces him to her parents and promptly disappears. As you can imagine, this is a little uncomfortable as both of the parents are completely silent. Dad is sitting in his arm chair watching golf on TV, and Mom is busy knitting.
After about ten minutes of complete silence, Mom jumps from her chair, pulls up her skirt, pulls down her knickers, and pours a glass of water over her fanny. Just as suddenly, Dad launches himself across the room, bends her over the couch, and takes her from behind. He then sits back down in his chair and balances a match stick in front of his eye. The room is plunged back into eerie silence and the young man is shocked into disbelief.
After a further ten minutes, the daughter returns fully dressed and ready for the evening. The date is a complete disaster with the young man completely distracted by the on goings earlier in the living room.
At the end of the night, the girl asks, "What's the matter? Have I done something wrong?" "No, its not you," he replied, "It's just that the strangest thing happened while I was waiting for you and I am still a bit shocked. Well, first your Mother jumps from her chair, lifts up her skirt, pulls down her panties, and throws a glass of water over her behind. Then, as if that weren't enough, your Father races from his chair, leans her over the couch and does her from behind. He then sits back down and places a match stick by his eye."
"Oh, is that all?" replies the girl.
The man can't believe her casual response.
"That's how they communicate!, Mom was simply saying, "Are you going to get this A*#S a drink?" and Dad was replying, "No, phyuk him - I'm watching the match."
Posted: at 4-06-2008 07:23 PM (15 years ago) | Newbie
The teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multisyllabic words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multisyllabic word?" Little Johnny waves his hand, "Me, teacher! Oh, me, me!"
The teacher smiles and says, "All right, Johnny, what is your multisyllabic word?"
Little Johnny says, "Mas-tur-bate."
The teacher is taken aback, but she manages to smile and says, "Wow, Johnny, that's a mouthful."
Little Johnny says, "No, ma'am, you're thinking of a blowjob. I'm talking about jerking off."
Posted: at 4-06-2008 07:24 PM (15 years ago) | Newbie
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night.
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, John, what was your toast?" John Said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John," Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize, the other night, with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised myself! You know, he's only been there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. 'Well,' he said, 'I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's 'the' night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack.' The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying with his head down for several minutes after everyone starts eating. The girl leans over and says, 'You never told me that you were such a religious person.' He leans over to her and says, 'You never told me that your father is a pharmacist.'
Posted: at 4-06-2008 07:27 PM (15 years ago) | Newbie
Bill, a very shy guy, walks into a pub and notices a beautiful brunette sitting at the bar alone. He orders a drink and nurses it for about an hour before he gets enough courage to talk to her.
'Um, would you mind if I talk to you?' he says.
She announces at the top of her lungs, 'No, I won't sleep with you tonight!'
Everyone in the bar turns to look at them. Bill is completely embarrassed and walks back to his seat.
The brunette feels sorry for Bill so she decides to apologize for her behavior.
'I'm sorry about that,' she says. 'I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.'
Bill looks at her and yells, 'What do you mean, $200 an hour?'
Posted: at 5-06-2008 04:00 PM (15 years ago) | Newbie
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him.
One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Shortly after that they were married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.
Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peak.
At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.
He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIIPPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead.
While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.
Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the Nood.
In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?", calls one of the nuns. "Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
"Nice tits," says the man, "where do you want these blinds?"
The preacher's, Sunday sermon was,"Forgive Your Enemies." He asked, how many have forgiven their enemies?
About half held up their hands.
He then repeated his question.
Now about 80 percent held up their hands.
He then repeated his question.
All responded, except one elderly lady.
"Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any."
"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-three." she replied.
"Mrs. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person cannot have an enemy in the world?"
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, and said, "It's easy, I just outlived all those bitches.
Posted: at 5-06-2008 04:17 PM (15 years ago) | Newbie
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