They are furious, not necessarily fast, but furious, every single time. You see the road to your destination, they see Fury Road. BRT, El Rufai, Danfo are the most common means of transportation on the streets of Lagos. But we’re focusing on the Danfo buses. Frequent patronizers.. like us know the struggle of the danfo life.. and it’s a movie once in it.
Here’s a list of characters you’ll surely meet in every Danfo Bus:
1. THE CO DRIVERS
In a Danfo bus, you’ll normally find a driver, bus conductor and other pa$$engers. Among these other pa$$engers is a co-driver i.e. a self acclaimed one. You’ll often hear him from the back seats giving orders like “Take left! Overtake that guy!” Or, “Driver no match brake na! Na him suppose stop for you… Why you let am pa$$ you? Driver you too slow oooh!” etc. And the driver most often respond: “Na you dey drive?” Or “You wan collect steering for my hand?”
2. THE ASSISTANT CONDUCTORS
You find this set interfering with the “conductor’s” issues. You hear them say stuffs like, “Conductor you never give that woman change for front”, or “Enter na, the bus dey go Ojuelegba….”, or even “Conductor that man change don pa$$ oh!”.
3. THE COMPLAIN SQUAD
To get them started, just say in a loud voice, “See as this road be, its all GEJ’s fault….”. I swear, that bus won’t hear anything again till you get down. This set always come with 2 groups; the defenders and the opposers and they never agree on anything, be it politics, fuel issues or football. If you have your earphone/headphones, you’re fine.
4. GBOGBO BIGZ BOYS/GIRLS
This set always act like its their first time in a public transport. They do stuffs like; clean the chair with a cloth before sitting, make a face with a someone sits close to them, wear shades (plzzzz, in a bus?!) or will even ask you, “pls how do you open the windows?”
5. SLEEP-ATTACK
Why people sleep through the journey? In the danfo bus? On the bumpy Lagos road? Forget it. You don’t know what their story is about. Body no be wood o. Once this set finds a sit, they doze off. They are ready to sleep through the journey (even when paying their bus fare) till the bus gets to its final bustop. This set usually miss their bustop and over pay the conductors.
6. THE OBSERVERS
This set just plug in earphones and watch quietly as the characters above do their thing. They don’t talk.. almost invisible.
7. RED ALERT
Imagine yourself inside a danfo bus and the driver is running on what seems like a top speed. Then all of a sudden you hear a voice break into your chain of thoughts. More like a scream: “Ahn ahn, driver you wan kill us?” Or “Driver please take it easy o. I never marry.” Sometimes the co-driver doubles as a “red alert”. Other times another pa$$enger plays that role. The main goal is to caution the driver so that we can all arrive safely.
8. THE PREACHER
Repent for the Kingdom of God is at hand. With the preacherman in your bus, you can barely hear yourself think. Forget about receiving calls in that bus. If you do, you will hear the person on the other line asking, “are you in church?”. The good thing about a preacherman in your danfo bus is that you get reminded that heaven and hell is real. “If we all die now, where will you go? Heaven or hell?” Some pa$$engers stare at him in anger. Why should you say if we all die now? Yes, of course we want to make Heaven. No we won’t die in this danfo bus.
9. “DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?”
This man or woman tells us in a danfo bus that he or she is a very important person so the bus conductor must not argue with him/her over N10 change. Enough said.
10. THE POLITICAL ANALYSTS
If you missed the news last night, and you have a political analyst riding the same danfo bus with you, may God bless your day. All is cool until he gets another politically conscious pa$$enger to engage in the discourse. Sometimes their analysis is a comic relief. Other times depressing. Depending on the topic in focus. An elderly analyst tells the younger folks in the bus about the good old days. And the danger of having a “young” inexperienced president rule Nigeria.
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