The untold truth about American marriages [Nigerians in diaspora]

After listening to Eucharia Iheme, a qualified nurse who lives and practices her profession in United States of America, you are challenged with that simple adage that says ‘not all that glitters are gold.’ As many women yearn to relocate to God’s own country to enjoy the land of plenty, flowing with milk and honey, some of the privileged ones who are already residents there, are yearning to come back home despite the poor infrastructures, insecurity and general poor lifestyle.



Eucheria


In this interview with Agatha Emeadi, Iheme who has lived in US for 15years was in Nigeria for the Christmas and New Year celebrations and recalls from personal experience, and confessions of other women she came across in the cause of her job how most married women who live and work in the United States have been pushed to act otherwise due to different types of stress they are subjected to. She also talked on why American society has a well-laid down structure to assist women who are in difficulties.

In US men assist in house hold chores

Yes, they do assist in house hold chores, change baby diaper, cook and all that. It has to be, because women are not treated like women. At the end of month, you are expected to put down your contribution to the upkeep of the home. I am not saying that women in Nigeria do not contribute, but in a situation where it is written and documented, what do you expect? Half of the house rent would be waiting for you, infact the bill is shared into two, and you know that you are expected to live up to it.

Here in Nigeria, I know some ladies who are working but their husbands takes 90 percent of the responsibilities. Again, here in Nigeria, a couple might afford one or two housemaids to assist in the household chores, but over there, if you do not get up to take water, you will not drink. If you did not cook, there will not be food for you. If you did not clean the house, you will live in a filthy environment.

We need their help in everything, not just money and if you turn it the other way round, most of the women would want their husbands to make money while they remain at home to do the house hold chores, do school runs and all that.

You as a woman, you do the house chores and you still make money, you are still stressed. Is it ideal? A typical example is like this, the man might go to work for 8hours and come back home to watch Television and attend to other personal things, while the woman goes to work for 16hours. She will come back to cook, clean, attend to the children and all that. If the man is not assisting her, is she not being subjected to sudden death? That kind of a man wants the woman to die because another lady is on the way. “You are the man, you get them in and kick them out.”

But then, this is not applicable to all men. There are some who do not give their wives this kind of hell, but I must confess to you that most Nigerian women are living in bondage in the name of marriage and pretend about it because they live in America.

What kind of stress

If you have bad man around you, he will be jealous of your progress. If you are in school trying to upgrade your certificate, he will term your lecturer as your boyfriend. If your pastor puts a call through to your house, that pastor will also be termed as your concubine. He would create all impossible avenues to make sure that goal is not met. If you are into business, the morning you are expecting great sales, you might wake up with baseless accusations, arguments and explanations.

When a wife is turned into a slave, she cannot be happy, she will not do something well. A woman acts the way she is treated in her own home. Not every woman is a devil but most have been driven to become devils and witches. This is due to the circumstances they experience in the hands of their various spouses.

Other types of stress they face include financial stress. You are expected to bring this amount of money to assist him erect a state of the art building in his father compound because you are making money. If that money is not forthcoming or he suspects you are sending it to assist your own family, love vanishes from the house. The computer becomes his favorite companion.

What about domestic violence? It is not ruled out in lives of couples in America. Women are battered and when the report to the law authorities, the man in question faces the music.

Marriage break-ups

Nigerian marriages in America break up easily because they have ceased to be institution ordained by God. Marriages are seen as social contracts, what will I gain if I marry her? Will she make money for me, does she have papers? Yes, we know that values are added when real marriages are contracted. I am not saying that couples do not compliment each other. In the cause of my job as a nurse of over 15years in America, I can tell you that most marriages are already broken before they are consummated. Most guys in America come back home to look for nurses to marry. Have you bothered to ask how many of those men are qualified nurses who make the real money? The health sector in the US is lucrative.

That is the reason most men who lives in America look forward to marrying a nurse who they can turn into a money-spilling machine. You see a truck pusher in America; he is looking for a nurse to marry. The ones who are already married here, the moment they come to America, the wife must change her profession immediately to become a nurse in the next three or four years. Just because he has managed to cross over to America, he starts looking for a nurse to marry. They do not want to face the realities of life and live a simple life.

American men do not want to marry a beautiful lady anymore; intelligence does not attract a young man to a lady again. Good family background is written off, good behavior; good mannerism is all out of it. The only thing is that she must be a nurse. Every other quality could be contained as long as she is a nurse.

Another reason why marriages break up is if a lady has the almighty ‘Resident Permit’ also known as papers. If you are a single lady in America who has papers, you are treated like a mini-god. The man who marries you treats you like an egg. He will endure all, but the moment he gets his own permit through you, he takes off probably to go and look for a nurse that will compliment his life with hard currency. All these are not applicable to all men in America but most of them are gold diggers.

Why law favors women in America

Yes, the law favors women in America because they know what women go through in the hands of men. Lives have been loss through various kinds of stress that women are subjected to. They foresaw it long ago because a lot of women go through hell in the hands of their spouses. The only thing that protects women in this society is the law. The men that behave themselves in their marriages in America, do they have anything to do with the law? The law will not catch up with anybody who did not attract its wrath.

Well, I can tell you that it depends on who are married to and how both of you want to handle family issues. If there is any issue that arises between couples, the best that a man can do is to hear the woman out. A woman should be allowed to contribute her own idea. But when that African mentality is been applied, where the woman is supposed to be perpetually silent, not too many like that idea.

Advice

I will advice Nigerian ladies coming to America to be sure of what they are getting into. They should also know the type of job that these men do in America. Let that funny fantasy of a husband living in America go. Some of those who live in US and promise Nigerian women marriages are happily married over there. They would not tell these girls the simple truth that they are living with a woman they want to get their papers through, rather, they would keep these girls to wait for them for ages. The chances are that about 80 percent of such marriages do not work. These girls should be aware of the so-called American husbands.

‘Treat someone’s daughter in your house like you would want your own daughter to be treated somewhere else’