Don't Bring Home A White Boy!

"Men lie. Women lie. Numbers don't."

How may have been referring to record sales but I'm referring to the overwhelming statistics facing black women in America: 70% of us are single and 42% have never been married. To make matters worse, the pool of black men to choose from is steadily decreasing as more black men continue to marry outside their race -- 1 in 6 to be exact. So, why are the majority of black women still stuck on the idea of only dating black men when the numbers are clearly not in their favor?

According to Karyn Langhorne Folan, there are a number of reasons, and in her book, "Don't Bring Home a White Boy," she closely examines the deep rooted issues black women have about dating outside their race. The former Harvard Law professor turned author became interested in issues surrounding interracial relationships after she married her Irish American husband in 2004. From slavery to selling out; segxwal myths to family reactions -- you name it, and Karyn covers it in an insightful and witty manner.

Black Voices caught up with Karyn to discuss her reason for writing, "Don't Bring Home a White Boy" and how black women can benefit from reading it. You may not walk away thinking, "I need to find me a white boy!" but I guarantee you will walk away with an open mind and an open heart.
BV: What made you write the book?

Right now if every black man and every black woman married each other there would be 1.8 black women left over and we know that's not happening. We know that black men are marrying out; we know that a lot of black men aren't interested in marriage; we know that there are black men and black women -- and certainly people of every race and every gender -- who are gay or mentally unstable, unhealthy or incarcerated who are unavailable for marriage anyway. To me the solution was just obvious.
 
The world is full of men -- America is full of men -- but we [black women] are not seeing ourselves or seeing those other men as possible marriage material nor are we seeing ourselves as women they would be interested in and that's a problem. The book is timely in the sense that I'm almost sick of these stories of single black women who can't find a man. I'm practically screaming every time one comes on like "THERE ARE PLENTY OF MEN!!!"

What do you say to women who prefer to date black men over white men because they're more likely to understand them?
Just because you're black, doesn't mean you're the same. There's this idea that all of us that are black share something that we may not share. I am absolutely certain that if you put Michelle Obama and some of these dubious young black women on TV who are competing for the affection of Ray J in the same room they are not going to have anything in common but brown skin; even their skin tones will be varied and different. I'm down with black women and their preferences but the problem with believing black men are more compatible is that we're ignoring the fact that there are class differences within the community.
 
 To ask a woman who is an attorney or a journalist and works with words and ideas all day long to be happy and respect a relationship with a man who comes from a different background and who doesn't read what she reads, socializes with who she socializes; that puts a whole lot of tension into a relationship. It's probably one of the reasons why the black divorce rate is so high. This idea that black equals this automatic cultural compatibility and automatic code that we all understand is ludicrous. It's just not true.

Do you feel black men can benefit from reading this book?

I am not here for black men. That is beyond the mission I have been given. Black men can do whatever they want to do. My father was a black man and he was a wonderful father, he was married to my mother until the day he died -- 46 years. He was an excellent role model and I love him. My brother is a black man and I have many black male friends so I am not saying "I hate black men"; that is not where I'm coming from. The mission that I have been given is to talk about black women and too often when we talk about black people we end up talking about black men and we don't talk about black women. We assume somehow that if we talk about black men than the issues of black women are addressed in the same realm and they're really not.

What advice would you give black women interested in attracting men of other races?
Putting yourself in situations where you are most likely to meet men of different backgrounds is definitely a great way to start. If you go to an all black club you're going to meet all black men. If you go to a club that attracts people of all kinds of backgrounds you're going to meet men from all different backgrounds. It's not that you have to hang a sign around your neck saying you're interested in dating outside your race but I do think you have to do the things that women who are really interested in a man really do.
 
 You have to smile, you have to bat your eyelashes, you have to cross your legs and lean forward and put a little light touch on the hand and all the little things that you do when you're sending the signal. I think our communication with men from other races is just read as that professional comfort. "I'm used to working with you, I'm used to going to school with you but that's as far as this goes."

What do you want women to walk away with after reading this book'?
I want black women to understand that we have far more options than most of us have ever thought about. Right now is the perfect time to open your heart and reexamine what you've been taught and take a fresh look at how history has been interpreted for you. I feel a lot of people say they're open minded or believe they are open minded and claim that race doesn't matter but in their hearts they harbor some unhealed racial issues.
 
It's typical for black folks in America; there's just so many ways and so many things that still come up for us that emphasize in a lot of ways that we're still second class citizens. Many women have the mentality, "If you ask me I'm going to say interracial dating is okay with me," but in their heart they're thinking "I would rather have a same race partner." Make 2010 the year that you're open minded to a rainbow of men. Mr. Right might be white. He just might, and if he is that's okay.