He Said
Through my experience, age does matter in relationships. Age is the vehicle by which we experience common milestones in life. These milestones give us the ability to relate to one another -- experiencing a first kiss, first partner, marriage, home, career, child, divorce, etc. If you're at the end of this list, what on Earth could you have in common with someone near the beginning? There is a reason that most couples today do not have a significant age difference. Consider that over the last 100 years, the average age difference between married couples is 3.5 years. Coincidence? No. Call it what it is -- a trend.
When my divorce was final, I went out of my way to date women of different ages ranging anywhere from 22 to 53 years old. I found that with younger women, I felt attracted but bored. With older women it was just the opposite -- I was interested but did not feel attracted to them. With each woman I dated, things ended as quickly as they began. Their age should have been a warning to me that we may have nothing in common.
This experience taught me two things. The first is that age is not just a number. It is a fairly accurate measurement that describes where you have been and what is left in front of you. It tells you what you may have in common with someone. The second is to know what you are attracted to, understand what you want in a partner and a relationship, and confirm that these things are in agreement before you choose to spend time with someone. Now I stay away from age extremes, and in those rare moments when I meet someone extremely younger or older who I'm into, I look for common interests before committing to a date. This works for me because I recognize that age matters. It is simply naive to think otherwise.
She Said
I'll be honest here -- I like them older. Save for my first boyfriend, who was just two years older than me, the men I've dated and clicked with have generally been anywhere from six to 20 years my senior. Now, a 20-year age difference may not be the norm or "average," but I hardly think it's a strong predictor for the success of a relationship. After all, nearly half of those couples with the "ideal" age difference between them get divorced. It amuses me how shocked people continue to be about an age discrepancy.
Age itself isn't a factor in compatibility. It's elements like maturity and life experience, which tend to correlate with age, that can make or break a relationship's long-term potential. But so can future goals, background, culture, family, career, personality, and physical chemistry. I think that the combination of those factors (maturity and life experience included) takes precedence over whether or not your significant other gets your clever "Beverly Hillbillies" reference. And while we're at it, can we retire lingo like "cougar" and "cradle-robber." It condescends to both parties and is on par with sticking a cutesy label on someone who dates outside their own race or background.
Date and let date. Unless you're currently involved in a triad relationship with the May-December couple you're commenting on, leave it to them to form opinions on how their age gap works for them. Age and maturity often go hand in hand, but you can certainly have one without the other.
I do have one (admittedly hypocritical) rule when it comes to dating much older men. To weed out the creeps, I always ask if they generally date women as young as me. If they make a habit of looking for women at the local college campus, I move on. I want to be the exception, not the rule.
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