Learn Your Spouse’s “Love Language”

Learn Your Spouse’s “Love Language”
 
One of the most enlightening concepts developed by Christian psychologists over the past twenty years is the recognition of different “languages” of love. People have different ways of expressing and communicating love. Likewise, each of us has certain preferences for how we want to be loved in return.
When the way our spouse expresses love does not match the way in which we want to be loved, then serious emotional confusion can occur. Just as the sound of a foreign language can sound like babble, so relationships between husbands and wives can evolve into an emotional “tower of Babel.”
The Case of the Rejected Gift. Once I was counseling a couple who had been married less than a year. For the wife’s family, gift-giving was the central part of their culture. Since family finances had always been limited, to give or receive a gift was very special. Furthermore, members of her family had been carefully trained to show appreciation for gifts even if they didn’t actually like them. This woman’s primary “love language”—the way she felt the most loved by someone else—was through giving and receiving gifts.

As her husband’s birthday approached, she diligently searched through the stores seeking the perfect gift for him. Finally she found a nice attaché case at a reasonable price. She wrapped it, tied a bow on it, and attached a thoughtful note. Then, with a big smile, she handed it to her husband and eagerly awaited his grateful expressions of love, joy, and surprise.
Before I tell you about her husband’s reaction, I want to share his background with you. His family was not into gift exchanges, even on Christmas! Their Christmas tradition was for the family to get together for a big feast. They exchanged small gifts on Epiphany during the first week of January. Birthdays followed the same pattern as Christmas—a time to relax with the family and enjoy a nice meal. Furthermore, the husband’s family was wealthy. He had never experienced a lack of material things, so receiving gifts was no big deal to him. Finally, his family followed the “blunt” philosophy—that is, you bluntly tell people what you really think about the gift.
Can you guess what happened next?
The husband disinterestedly opened the package, did not like the gift, interpreted it as an impractical waste of money, and then, in an attempt to be humorous, tossed the present back to his wife and pronounced, “I reject this gift!” She burst into tears. And he did not understand why she was being so sensitive!
Working It Out. The discord could have grown worse. Her tendency was to feel extremely hurt and then withdraw, and his tendency was to reveal his disdain for her “sensitivity.” However, both of them had made a promise to let nothing supersede their love for one another. So they made a commitment to work on the problem.
During their discussions, they realized that they wanted to be loved in different ways. The wife liked giving and receiving gifts and was deeply hurt when her husband forgot her birthday. (He even forgot to have the ring ready when he asked her to marry him!)
The husband acknowledged that he didn’t care about receiving gifts or surprises, and so it had never crossed his mind to love others in that way. What he liked most was to be encouraged and affirmed, but he thought that his wife was too critical of him. He wanted to be appreciated for his hard work and service around the house. The way he felt most loved by her was when he saw the results of her service (a clean house, clean laundry, dinner on time). Unfortunately, she didn’t like doing housework.
It’s natural to love in the way that we want to be loved, but it takes commitment to love in ways that do not come to us naturally. It means taking the Golden Rule—”Do unto others as you would have them do unto you”—to a deeper level. I should seek to love my spouse as he or she would like to be loved. Thus, in the situation that I described, the husband made a commitment to thoughtfully purchase small gifts as a sign of his love for his wife; she made a commitment to be more affirming and to view housework as an opportunity to express her love to her husband.
Different Ways of Loving. We all have a universal need to love and be loved, but like this couple, we all differ in the ways we express love and desire to receive love. In his book, The Five Love Languages (Northfield Publishers, 1995), psychologist Gary Chapman identifies five main “love languages,” all of which are wonderful ways of expressing love to other people. However, most people have a primary emotional love language—one in particular that makes them feel most loved. Therefore, it is extremely helpful for spouses to sort out their primary languages so they can better communicate their love to each other. Here is a brief description of the different ways in which love can be expressed:
1. Speaking Words of Affirmation. These are positive messages, words of encouragement, and even the simple phrase, “I love you,” spoken from the heart.
Some of us are more naturally critical and less likely to be affirming. If this is the case with you, make a list of all the positive things your spouse does well. Then thank your spouse for doing those things. Pray for the intercession of St. Barnabas, who was recognized as being a great encourager (Acts 4: 36), to help you become more appreciative in the way that you relate to your spouse.
2. Sharing Quality Time. You and your spouse could take a stroll together and talk about your feelings or simply share your day. Maybe you could plan a fun-filled activity together.
One couple who had several children discovered that they were too weary in the evenings to enjoy their “date night.” As a result, they decided to schedule lunch dates during the week or on Sunday afternoons. Some creativity was required to juggle their schedules around work and the children. However, this couple understood that the way in which they spent their time was a statement of their priorities, and they weren’t going to consign their marriage to the bottom of the list.
3. Giving and Receiving Gifts. For birthdays and holidays, take the time to look for a thoughtful gift for your spouse. At other times of the year, surprise your husband or wife with small items such as flowers, candy, cards, or even tools!
Make room in your budget for your spouse. Attitudes toward money can affect gift giving. For some, giving flowers or something sentimental is impractical and a waste of money. Perhaps you think you are wasting money giving gifts, but as I often counsel couples I see in my practice, professional counseling is more expensive than most gifts. Consider the gifts an investment in your marriage.
4. Performing Acts of Service. Fix up the house. Make nice meals. Stay in shape, not just to look good but also to have the energy to serve. Don’t forget how hard you worked to look attractive to each other when you were dating.
For couples who have large families, service becomes especially necessary and sacrificial. For those of us who are middle-aged, it seems that just as we are growing older and less energetic, more and more is being asked of us. This especially is an area where we need to keep the cross of Christ in mind. Jesus laid down his life for us; he came “not to be served but to serve” (Matthew 20:28). Marriage and family is a ministering sacrament in which we are called to serve Christ in one another.
When serving becomes difficult, we should reflect on God’s love for us, our love for others, and their love for us. Love motivates us to do wonderful things for one another. And when offered to God, each act of service becomes precious in his eyes. Your good works, which flow from your faith, are treasured in heaven, where “neither moth nor rust consumes” (Matthew 6:20).
5. Physical Touch. Resolve to become more affectionate physically. Even when you don’t feel like it, ask for God’s grace to empower you. Remember that physical touch is more than segxwal intercourse. It involves hugs, kisses, shoulder rubs, or just plain cuddling. In my counseling practice, I have listened to many women tell me that they wish their husbands could be physically affectionate apart from intercourse. Likewise, some husbands want to be hugged and cuddled more.
For people who come from physically affectionate families, this spontaneous reaction is easy. But for those who don’t, hugging and touching can seem awkward. Although we have all come from different backgrounds and cultures, God’s Spirit is in us to transform us into lovers who are able to meet each other’s needs.
What’s Your Language? How do we identify each other’s primary emotional love language? Dr. Chapman suggests the following three ways:
1. Write down the things your spouse does or doesn’t do that most deeply hurt you. The opposite of that may be your primary love language.
2. Observe and then write down what you most often request or would like to request of your spouse. These requests likely represent your primary love language. For example, one woman constantly wanted to hug her husband, but he was not responsive. Once he simply started responding to her need for hugs and physical touch, their marital satisfaction was greatly improved.
3. In what ways do you most like to express your love to others? In the example I described, the husband loved to serve and perform chores around the house. This was his primary love language, and the primary way in which he wanted to be loved in return.
I would add that the way you grew up in your family loving one another could affect the way in which you give and want to receive love today. Furthermore, the areas in which you felt deprived of love while you were a child could affect how you love and what you feel you want and need.
Like learning French or Chinese or Spanish, getting fluent in your spouse’s “love language” will call for your perseverance and commitment. It’s worth the effort. As husbands and wives learn to communicate their love, those emotional “towers of Babel” will surely fall

Posted: at 17-02-2011 12:39 PM (13 years ago) | Newbie

Ok, let me bring my note book

Posted: at 17-02-2011 12:52 PM (13 years ago) | Gistmaniac

no long thing

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Posted: at 17-02-2011 02:48 PM (13 years ago) | Addicted Hero

Physical Touch na my .....................

Posted: at 17-02-2011 03:34 PM (13 years ago) | Hero

Pls again, 

Posted: at 17-02-2011 03:49 PM (13 years ago) | Hero

God @poster u dey travel go Atlantic island

Posted: at 17-02-2011 04:50 PM (13 years ago) | Gistmaniac

yu can try

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Posted: at 17-02-2011 04:59 PM (13 years ago) | Addicted Hero

i dint bother reading it..cuz itz long dayyuuummm>>>>>

Posted: at 13-03-2011 11:48 PM (13 years ago) | Upcoming

Gues...u Guys will need the summary of the newspaper + magazine                                                                                     
What’s Your Language? How do we identify each other’s primary emotional love language? Dr. Chapman suggests the following three ways:
1. Write down the things your spouse does or doesn’t do that most deeply hurt you. The opposite of that may be your primary love language.
2. Observe and then write down what you most often request or would like to request of your spouse. These requests likely represent your primary love language. For example, one woman constantly wanted to hug her husband, but he was not responsive. Once he simply started responding to her need for hugs and physical touch, their marital satisfaction was greatly improved.
3. In what ways do you most like to express your love to others? In the example I described, the husband loved to serve and perform chores around the house. This was his primary love language, and the primary way in which he wanted to be loved in return.
I would add that the way you grew up in your family loving one another could affect the way in which you give and want to receive love today. Furthermore, the areas in which you felt deprived of love while you were a child could affect how you love and what you feel you want and need.
Like learning French or Chinese or Spanish, getting fluent in your spouse’s “love language” will call for your perseverance and commitment. It’s worth the effort. As husbands and wives learn to communicate their love, those emotional “towers of Babel” will surely fall

Posted: at 14-03-2011 12:03 AM (13 years ago) | Gistmaniac

WTF!!!>>>>>>>>>>>>>out of here

Posted: at 14-03-2011 12:10 AM (13 years ago) | Gistmaniac