Yes, we have minerals...
Let's build a rocket!
This is not a toilet!
Noah versus the government (I think this could apply to a lot of nationalities. The joke itself is mostly in broken/pidgin English, but here is a summary in plain English.)
Abacha's funeral
Abiodun Baruwa
Salary bonus
A day in the Eagles camp
I'm not Nigerian, really!
We are the champions
Ten for the price of two!
Watch your pronunciation sir.
Chaos
Hungry and broke
The barber
Ghost or grandson?
The contractors
Electric power
Minerals, part II
Lagos driving quiz
Who wants to marry a Nigerian millionaire???
More 'making fun of accents'
OGA, water please
Plantains
London zoo
1 in 4 Africans is Nigerian
Sunday service
African roulette
Trouble with the police
Train Ride
Out of Nigeria for too long
Nigeria Air
Green, yellow and pink
Naija child of the 80s
Score of 100
You are now in London
Unless stated, I do not take credit for any of these jokes. However, if I think it may be difficult for non-Nigerians to understand it, I provide an explanation in purple italic text (and the headings are mine too).
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Yes, we have minerals...
This is a TRUE story.
A politician in Nigeria was being interviewed many years ago.
Interviewer: "Nigeria doesn't have many minerals, does it?"
Politician: "Of course we do! We have coke, sprite, 7-up...."
Background information: Minerals besides standing for things like tin, gold, marble, etc. which Nigeria does have, also stands for drinks that in other places can be called pop, soda, soft drinks, etc. Maybe the politician thought that the interviewer was thirsty.
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Let's build a rocket!
(Source: Unknown)
General Sani Abacha of Nigeria at his weekly cabinet meeting, informed his ministers that President Jerry Rawlings of Ghana built a Space Shuttle and would travel to Mars in the coming months. General Abacha then declared that he wanted to build a Rocket and would travel to the Sun.
In fear, Abacha's ministers replied, "But General, how can we travel to the Sun when it is so hot? We will melt from the heat".
"You fools!" shouted Abacha. "Of course we will melt. Don't you think I know that? We will build the rocket and travel to the Sun at night!"
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This is not a toilet!
(Source: Unknown)
Immediately after the rainy season in Nigeria, President Jerry Rawlings of Ghana made the first of a series of visits to Nigeria in order to hold talks with General Sani Abacha. Their talks would take place over the next 9 months as they would seek to develop a micro enterprise system among small businessmen from both countries as well as enter into a free trade agreement with the two neighboring countries.
Upon arrival at the airport, Jerry Rawlings and his entourage of 25 were greeted by Abacha and his entourage of 50. There, they exchanged pleasantries and immediately drove off in Abacha's Limousine.
They were not five minutes out of the airport when Jerry Rawlings spotted a man urinating at the side of the road. Five minutes had passed and Rawlings saw at least six more men relieving themselves at the side of the road.
Too his amazement, Rawlings then spotted a woman and her four children all urinating on the road.
It was at this point that Rawlings threw up his has in disgust. "Why is it that Nigerians are so dirty? Every place I look, I see someone urinating or taking a S_ _ _ on the street as if it were a toilet. Can't you maintain better control of your people?" said Rawlings.
"Shut up!" yelled Abacha. "You stop all of this self righteous rubbish immediately! Everywhere in Africa, this is the way of life. All Africans do this. And besides, you can not fool me for one minute and tell be your people are above this."
As silence came over them, Abacha made a mental note to himself, that on his next visit to Ghana he would point out how Ghanaians piss in the street.
Upon arrival with his delegation at the airport in Accra Ghana, Abacha made it his duty to point out the first urinator that he saw.
Jerry Rawlings was not yet finished asking how the Abacha family were doing, when no more than three minutes had passed since they departed the airport that Abacha so a man in a long white flowing robe urinating.
"Mr. President! Look. I thought you said your people don't piss on the streets?" said Abacha.
In a fit of rage, Rawlings ordered his driver to stop at once and apprehend this violator. When the man in the white robe was brought forth Abacha's eyes bulged from his face and he fainted.
The cause of such reaction was he recognized the roadside pisser in white was his (Abacha's) Minister of Housing and Development!!!!!
Background information: Don't make any impressions of Nigeria, Ghana or Africa from this joke. I do not know if Ghanaians use their road as toilets or not, but as memory serves me right, Nigerians do not either. We do go into bushes if we can't find a toilet, but not in public view as described in this joke, at least in the cities that I have visited.
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Noah versus the Government
(Source: Unknown)
And the Lord spoke to Noah and said: "I will give you six months to build Me an Ark. At the end of six months I will send rain fall to cover the entire earth and destroy all bad people. However, I want to save a few good people, and the animals, two of every kind. So I am ordering you to build an Ark for Me," said the Lord.
And in a flash of lightning He delivered the specifications for an Ark. "No problem," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints. "Six months, and it starts to rain" thundered the Lord. "You'd better have my Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time." And six months passed. The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping.
And there was no Ark. "Noah," shouted the Lord, "where is my Ark?" A lightning bolt crashed into the ground next to Noah, for emphasis.
"Oga, a beg make you forgive me," begged Noah. "I don try - ah! ah!. De trouble were my eye see no be small, I swear. Dem tell me say I need certificate of occupancy before I go kuku build de Ark. I don waka Ministry of Works so tey I tire. Then, I come see say na money dem want, and I carry all de money wey I get gif dem. Na im dem tell me say make I add extra windows for "cross ventilation", and make I divide de toilet from de bath, so that if I de go toilet, another person fit de bath.
Anyway, I pay one engineer so, make im modify de plans for me. So, after I don finish dat one, I come go for forest to go get wood. Dem tell me say I no fit cut wood without permit from Forestry people. Anyway, I go see de forestry people dem and dem say I fit go cut de wood. When I reach de village now, dem no gree make I cut wood. Dem say I must gif dem their share - because na so one big man come from town come cut all de wood for here before for export, and he no pay dem compensation. Na waoh! and me think say government no de gree us export wood. Finally, as dem wan fight me, I quickly settle de village chief, and dem com gree say make I take de wood. Before I go carry de wood reach my house, na so so wahala for road. I settle police, I settle soldier, I settle customs, I settle immigration, I settle tax man, I settle local government, then when I don reach my house now, de truck driver and him boys say if I no settle dem, dem no go help me offload de wood. As I start to build de ark now, na im task force people come mark 'X' for de ark, say I no suppose to build de ark for dis place. Dem ask me say whether I no no say "environmental sanitation decree" no de allow dis kind thing for inside town.
Anyway I think say na my neighbor na im call dem, de man de jealous me well well. Wetin I go do, I settle dem too. "As I say make I kuku hurry finish de ark, na im de carpenters where de help me come talk say dem no go work again unless gif dem extra money. Me sef I surprise wen dem tell me say de here say na big government contract where I de do and plenty money dey inside. To cut long story, I settle dem too. Anyway, people plenty now wey de build de Ark, apprentice full ground.
As I begin to gather de animal dem, I come jam another trouble. De"404" people dem no want make I take their dogs, dem say na delicacy. Bushmeat and fowl people no gree me. Even de people wey de chop "isi ewu" come vex with me. Dem ask me whether I no no say meat don too cost these days, where I wan carry de small meat where dey ground. So, I wan tell you now say, I no fit find dog, fowl, goat, or bush meat, and infact I just manage get cow, as one mallam don nearly dagger me when I want take de cow dem."
"One day as I de build de ark now, na im NDLEA come arrest me carry me go prison for questioning. Dem talk say, dem hear say I wan carry de Ark smuggle cocaine & indian hemp to America. Later, sha dem come find say no be me dem de look for, so dem release me. I never even reach home, when SSS come arrest me for further questioning, say dem here say I be NADECO, and I wan carry de Ark go smuggle guns and bombs to come overthrow Naija government. Anyway, I come convince dem say I no know wetin be NADECO, dem release but tell me make I de report to force headquarters every day.
As I de gather de animal dem, na im FEPA come send me letter say I never gif dem environmental impact assessment for de animal shit where I go throway and de flood where You wan send. I tell dem say na You wan send flood cover de whole world. Dem no happy at all! Dem tell me say nobody fit do dat kind ting without permission from dem. Anyway, as de chief engineer say makeI show am de place where de flood go start, I give am map of de world, he no satisfy, so I settle am too."
"As you see me de cry so, na because ee dey like say dis wahala no de finish. De local government chairman where my house dey come call me tribalistic. Him talk say almost all de carpenters and labourers wey de work for me come from my village. Him talk say I must gif work to some of de town boys. I tell am make he send them, him no gree. Everyday him go send "area boys" to come cause wahala for me. Dem wan spoil de small part of de ark where I don build so. Dem no dey gree us work again. Every day where dem come here I must gif dem money otherwise, dem wan scatter de Ark. Oga Lord, I tell you, I don tire, even sef de other day, tax collector come, come say I never pay tax, say dem wan arrest me. I tell dem say I don pay tax last year, dem tell me say dis year I must pay de tax in advance, so I don kuku spend all de money where I get for settling. "Make I tell you de truth, I no think say I go fit finish dis your Ark sef, even if you gif me five years."
Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean say you no go send flood take destroy de earth?" Noah asked, hopefully.
"Wrong!" thundered the Lord. "But being Lord of the Universe has its advantages. I fully intend to smite the Earth, but with something far worse than a Flood. Something Man invented himself."
"Wetin be dat?" asked Noah.
There was a long pause, and then the Lord spaketh his Last Word, "Government."
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Summary in plain English: God told Noah (who is Nigerian in this case) to build an ark, because in 6 months he would send rain to cover the entire earth and kill all bad people. He would save a few good people, and two of each kind of animal. He gave Noah the specifications, and told Noah that "You'd better have my ark completed, or learn to swim for a very long time."
6 months later, God started the rains, and saw Noah on his steps, crying. He demanded to know where the ark was, and sent a lightning bolt on the ground next to him for emphasis.
Noah asked for God's forgiveness, saying he had tried, but he had run into a lot of trouble trying to cut the wood, get the ark built, gather the animals, etc. There were so many permits, rules, regulations, suspicions, and demands that kept appearing in his path. For instance, he had been asked to give the exact spots that the flood was going to hit. Also, it was said that he was really going to use the ark to smuggle guns and bombs to overthrow the Nigerian government. And of course, he kept paying more and more taxes. Also, to get past many of the obstacles that he encountered, he ended up bribing people in hopes of getting the ark done on time.
He cried to God that he was fed up, and would not be able to complete the ark, even if he were given 5 years to do so.
The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled "Does this mean you wont use a flood to destroy the earth?" Noah asked hopefully.
God answered "Wrong! But being Lord of the Universe has its advantages. I fully intend to smite the Earth, but with something far worse than a flood. Something man invented himself."
Noah asked what that was, and God said "Government."
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Abacha's Funeral
(author: Joke Meyers, source: Laf it off with Naija Jokes)
Q: Why was Abacha's body buried in such a hurry?
A: Just in case he changes his mind and decides to wake up!
Background information: Former leader of Nigeria, General Sani Abacha died on June 8, 1998 of a heart attack, and was buried within 24 hours (but this is actually according to Muslim tradition). In his life, he had a history of changing his mind, or going against his word.
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Abiodun Baruwa
(author: TN, source: Laf it off with Naija Jokes)
Q: Why is goalkeeper Abiodun Baruwa sometimes called a vampire?
A: Because he does not like crosses!!
Background information: Abiodun Baruwa is a goalkeeper for the Super Eagles, the Nigerian soccer/football team.
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Salary Bonus
(author: Victor Aina, source: Laf it off with Naija Jokes)
The Super Eagles got together, and decided on a match bonus of $15,000 per player. They then sent their captain Okechukwu Uche to Abuja (the capital of Nigeria) in order to present these demands before the NFA (National Football Association) chairman.
Upon hearing what Uche had to say, a big smile appeared on Mr. Aminu's face as he replied: "yes! but you guys must adhere to my terms and conditions."
Uche replied: "..tell me what they are and we shall consider."
Aminu then said: "we shall pay you an additional appearance fee of $500 per minute for every player; if you lose your matches like you are doing now, you get an extra $5000 for your efforts; plus an all expenses paid trip to France 98 for all you families and friends!"
Uche: "Wow! you must be kidding!!"
Aminu: "Yes, but you started it."
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A Day in the Eagles Camp
(source: Laf it off with Naija Jokes)
As Bora welcomed the players to camp in Switzerland, he shook hands with them and advised them of what he expected of them in the process.
As Taribo West emerged, Bora excitedly shook his hand and patted his back saying: "I would like to see some tough tackles" and West replied: "done deal!"
Next, Sunday Oliseh approached and there was the usual exchange of greetings. Then Bora demanded to see some "crisp, neat and inventive passing"; Oliseh replied: "Bora, that is what I am best at!"
By now Bora was growing a lot of confidence as the previous 21 players had all responded positively to his demands. All was then left to the last player, Eguavoen not to ruin the day. Eventually, he appeared after a long wait with a very stern look on his face (gbagbaaaauuun..)Now all that Bora had heard about Eguavoen was his hot-headedness, and so the coach had no choice but to say to him: "I want PEACE to REIGN in this camp." Just then, Eguavoen dropped his luggage, and ran onto the top of the roof of the Eagles lodge, unzipped his pants and started to discharge the contents of his bladder. An alarmed Bora ran after him to ask if all was well, but Augustine replied. Sir! You said you wanted P1$$ to RAIN on this camp!!!
Even though Eguavoen was fired, Bora has never since recovered from the shock!
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I'm not Nigerian, really!
(Source: Unknown)
A Nigerian man living in Sweden decided to marry a Swedish lady in order to be legally certified via resident status... but the lady was not aware of this. She felt he really loved her. Anyway, seeing that Nigerian men had a bad rap in that particular part of Sweden, our chap decided to lie to the lady. He told her he was from Uganda.
Upon marriage, the lady came home one day and informed our man that she had just met another Swedish lady who had married a Ugandan and they must all have dinner together.
The Naija man was somewhat perplexed, although not perceptibly, and wondered how he'd get out of this spot. He postponed and postponed until he could do so no more.
Finally, the day came when they were to have dinner. The other Swede came in with her Ugandan husband and they all sat at the table. Our Naija chappie was very quiet. "My own don spoil today" was all he could think.
The two Swedish ladies, wanting their husbands to mingle, being from the same homeland, asked them to speak to each other. "Hey! It's not every day you meet people from home.!" they admonished.
Our Naija man, being a man of great savvy, decided that he would just speak Yoruba, and the guy would probably assume he was from some part of Uganda where they spoke a different language. So looking across the table he said: "Egbon Eko ni mi se? Ni bo lo ti ja wa?" In Yoruba, this loosely translates to: "I'm a Lagos man. Where did you come from?" Remember, Lagos is a state in Nigeria, and it used to be the capital.
The fellow looked up at our friend. His eyes lit up as he said: "Ah, bobo gan! Omo Eko ni mi se! Omo Eko gan gan!" In Yoruba, this loosely translates to "Hey buddy! I'm a Lagos child. A REAL Lagos child!"
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We are the Champions
(author: Wole Fadipe, source: Laf it off with Naija Jokes)
Ijesha man: "We are the sampions! We are the sampions!!"
Calabar man: "Ha! Ha! Ha! what an accent! It is not sampion, it is yampion"
Background information: Ijesha and Calabar are 2 ethnic groups in Nigeria, and they have some accents.
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Ten for the price of two!
(author: Segun Awosanya, source: Laf it off with Naija Jokes)
A Chadian supporter followed his national team to Lagos last year to watch a match against the Flying Eagles. As the visitor toured the city, he was fascinated by view of the numerous towering sky-scrapers.
A local then walked up to him and challenged: "Why are you looking at the buildings? Don't you know that you must pay to look at them?" The nervous visitor then offered to pay the fee.
"How many buildings have you looked at?" demanded the Lagosian. "..er er two!" replied the Chadian. The applicable "fees" were then exchanged but as the two men parted, the Chadian said to himself: "Stupid Nigerian! I cheated him! I have looked at ten buildings, but I paid him for just two!"
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Watch Your Pronunciation sir
(author: Jimi Olurakinse, source: Laf it off with Naija Jokes)
As I was in a shop in Ibadan shopping for some sportswear, I overheard the conversation between two gentlemen: man 1 & man 2.
Man 2 seemed to be having trouble with the ue's at the end of words like prologue, dialogue etc:
man 1: "Please when you are done, can I have a look at the catalogway?"
man 2: "Man, it is pronounced as 'catalogue' not 'catalogway'!"
man 1: "Oh! sorry, it was a slip of tongway!"
man 2: "Again sir, that word is pronounced 'tongue' not 'tongway'!"
man 1: "Okay, I will not arg with you!"
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Chaos
(Source: Fred)
This is another TRUE story:
In 1983, a rare breed of politician was asked what will happen if the alleged plan of the ruling party to rig the State House of Assembly election materialized. He responded furiously 'there will be shaoos all over the state'
I wonder how long it took others around him to figure out he meant 'chaos'.
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Hungry and Broke
(Source: Unknown, but I know I've seen variations of this)
There were three men living together in London. An Afro-American, a West Indian and a Nigerian. They were all starving because they didn't have money to buy food.
However upon coming close to a posh London restaurant in this classy neighbourhood, they decided to come up with a plan.
The Afro-American went in first. After being seated, he ordered a three course meal with white wine. When he had finished the meal, the waiter came by with the bill. "LISTEN MY MAN, I ALREADY PAID YOU!" - the Afro-American shouted! The waiter was very confused because he could not remember being paid. But because he did not want to cause any trouble...he let the brother leave.
Five minutes later, the West Indian walked into the same restaurant and ordered a five course meal with red wine. When he was finished eating, the waiter came by to collect the money for the food. "HEY, HEY, LOOK AT ME CROSSES. BUT AH PAID YOU ALREADY!" - the West Indian shouted. This time the manager came and had to calm down the West Indian, because he did not want anything to upset the other customers. He let the guy go.
Ten minutes later, the Nigerian walked in. And you know how we are. He sat down. Lit up a cigarette, and ordered the most expensive meal on the menu, plus two bottles of Guinness. After he had finished, the waiter came to collect the money for the meal, But before the Nigerian could say anything, the waiter spoke to him."Sir...I have been having all sorts of problems all day and I can't understand it. Two other people like you came in earlier and ate, and they say that they paid me but I don't remember getting any money from them so...." Before he could finish, the Nigerian interrupted, rather emphatically, "OGA I SORRY FOR YOU OOOO. BUT DAT NA YOUR PROBLEM. I JUST WANT YOU TO GIVE ME MY CHANGE!!"
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The Barber
(Source: Unknown)
An American priest walked into a barber shop in Washington, D.C. After he got his haircut, he asked how much it would be. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the Lord."
The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 prayer books and a thank you note from the priest in front of the door.
Later that day, a British police officer on vacation came in and got his hair cut. He then asked how much it was. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the community."
The next morning, he came to work and there were a dozen donuts and a thank you note from the police officer.
Then, a Nigerian Businessman came in and got a haircut. When he was done he asked how much it was. The barber said, "If you are really a Nigerian then you don't have to pay since you are from the same country as Akeem Olajuwon the basketballer."
The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 Nigerians in front of his door waiting for a haircut!!!
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