The Merriam-Webster’s Online
Dictionary defines jealousy as,
“intolerant of rivalry or
unfaithfulness, disposed to
suspect rivalry or unfaithfulness.”
It sounds simple but jealousy is a
very complex emotion.
Understanding Jealousy
Jealousy is a reactionary emotion
so by its very nature it has a
reason. Jealousy is a very natural
and normal emotional response
to a perceived threat. Getting
jealous is not necessarily bad.
Problems arise when your
jealousy gets unmanageable and
your behaviors get out of control.
Irrational Jealousy
This is a type of jealousy brought
on by imagined or misperceived
events. Irrational jealousy is
never healthy. It is based on
paranoia and insecurity not in
reality. People suffering from an
irrational jealousy rely heavily on
their feelings that something is
wrong even though there are no
real signs that these feelings
have merit.
Without reliable external
validation of their jealousy
irrationally jealous individuals
often sink in to a depression
based on paranoia. They are
convinced that they are right to
be jealous even when the
evidence does not support their
beliefs. It is very difficult to show
them the truth.
Irrational jealousy is best treated
by therapy. If you find yourself
feeling jealous often and can ’t
calm yourself with rationalization
consider seeking professional
help.
Destructive Jealousy
Destructive jealousy is based in
reality. The emotional threat that
is provoking the jealousy is real
and can be backed up with
external evidence. The reasons
for the jealousy are valid. The
way this jealousy plays out is the
problem.
When feeling a destructive
jealousy people usually lash out
at the person or people who
have caused them harm. It is an
angry jealousy that is based in
revenge. It is not an effective
protection mechanism because
the focus is on hurting back not
reaching a solution.
The best way to manage a
destructive jealousy is by getting
counseling. In counseling you
will be able to talk through the
situation with an impartial third
party. You will get to vent in a
safe environment. In counseling
you will likely learn anger
management techniques to help
you control your need for
revenge.
Proactive Jealousy
Proactive jealousy is a jealousy
that is based on a real threat to
ones emotional security. The
purpose of any jealousy is to
avoid being hurt or to lessen
hurt that has already happened
but sometimes jealousy makes
people do crazy things. A
proactive jealousy rarely
manifests as violence or self
harm. While anger is a part of
this type of jealousy it never
takes control of actions.
This type of jealousy works as a
protection mechanism. The
jealous feelings lead to
productive actions, like ending a
bad relationship or getting out of
an unhealthy friendship. The
primary concern of this type of
jealousy is self preservation not
revenge or retribution.
Controlling Jealousy
Jealousy is a form of anger
brought on by a fear of loss.
Controlling jealousy is very much
like controlling anger. When you
feel yourself growing jealous the
first thing you must do is calm
down. Take some deep breaths,
try to relax and then take an
honest look at the situation.
Never allow yourself to go off in
a jealous rage, it takes away from
any validity to your feelings and
makes it very easy for others to
dismiss you. Approach the
situation in a calm but stern
fashion. State your point of view
without throwing around
accusations and keep the
emphasis on how what is
happening makes you feel.
Avoid pointing the finger or
calling out others on their
behaviors. Own the jealousy for
what it is, your reaction, and try
to reach a real solution rather
than just vent your hurt feelings.
A little venting is healthy but try
to keep the focus on the real
problem.
Learn From Jealousy
Listen to what the other people
have to say about the situation
that has provoked a jealous
response from you. Their
perspective may be very different
from yours and it is possible that
you don’t have the full story
about what is going on. There
are many innocent situations
that can be misinterpreted as
something sinister. Make sure
you know as much as possible
before getting jealous.
Jealousy exists to protect you
from harm, not to control the
behavior of others. It is an
emotion that can get out of
control if you let it. Your can
never control another person but
you can help yourself when that
person is hurting you. Healthy
jealousy can help you identify
and deal with some of life ’s more
unpleasant lessons.