 Show Posts
| |
Pages: | |
42
|
Forum / FunnyHub (Jokes + Comedy) / Beer contains female hormones! |
on: 6-05-2011 02:21 PM
| Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones!
Last month, Montreal University and scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 schooners of beer within a one (1) hour period.
It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects,
....yes, 100% of all these men:
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional.
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally, and
 Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered necessary! | | | | |
43
|
Forum / Naijapals Base (Metro life) / Abused, burned and buried alive! |
on: 5-05-2011 02:33 PM
| Abused, burned and buried alive: The horrific suffering of Nigeria's child 'witches' 11-year-old boy had acid poured over him Young girl had a nail driven into her skull  Children as young as two are being burned, poisoned and buried alive in Nigeria for being witches, it has been claimed. Hundreds of youngsters are being subjected to horrific violence or chained up for weeks after being accused of withcraft, according to a report by a children's rights charity. In one case, an 11-year-old boy was killed after acid was poured over him; in another, a girl who had a nail driven into her head was left permanently disabled. Last September a man tried to bury six-year-old twin boys he held responsible for the death of his wife. Lancaster-based charity Stepping Stones Nigeria has compiled reports of more than 250 cases of violence against children accused of witchcraft in Akwa Ibom state. Although belief in witchcraft is well established in Nigeria and other African countries, until the late Nineties it was largely women and the elderly who were accused. Now some families blame their children for every misfortune that hits them - from death to sickness and drunkeness. Many accusations are made by pastors who then charge the accused child's family a fee for 'exorcisms'. After the child has been accused the pastor carries out long-winded exorcism rituals. Sometimes children are chained up in churches and forced to fast for weeks, or are beaten and tortured until they confess. More then four out of five children accused of being witches are abandoned by their families and forced to sleep rough. In one disturbing case, police discovered an eight-year-old boy locked in a room beside the corpse of his mother. The boy's uncle had accused him of using witchcraft to kill her and tried to force his head into her body before abandoning him. Gary Foxcroft, founder of Stepping Stones Nigeria, told the Times that the children were often from broken homes, or were different in ways that set them apart. 'They might be very intelligent or suffer from learning difficulties. Some of them will have physical complaints such as epilepsy, bed-wetting and sleepwalking,' he said. The charity is set to present its findings to the Commission of Enquiry into Child Witchcraft at the Nigerian High Commission in London today. Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1383732/Buried-alive-New-report-reveals-suffering-Nigerias-child-witches.html#ixzz1LXIbdghq | | | | |
46
|
Forum / FunnyHub (Jokes + Comedy) / Prayer of A Computer Scientist |
on: 4-05-2011 01:56 PM
| | Hi folks i woke up this morning and had the inspiration to pray to God
based on my profession and these where what i said to him
Heavely Father, the SYSTEM ADMINISTRATOR and SOFTWARE ARCHITECT of the entire universe, the one that knows us by our IPs, the one whose thoughts was BLOGGED into a compendium for daily guidance. You INTERCEPT AND DECRYPT every PACKET sent my way by the enemy, the one that never FAIL me, every time I PING you my REQUEST never TIMES OUT.
Lord i thank you, even when i CRASH you do a SYSTEM RECOVERY and RESTORE me to FACTORY SETTINGS. When i leave your PATH you never DELETE me from your MEMORY. When life THROWS EXCEPTIONS at me you give me the grace to MULTI-TASK. Your RAM AND PROCESSOR cannot be comprehended. You give me the ALGORITHM to suMOUNT life's challenges.
I am never scared of BUGS because i know the CHIPSET and FIRMWARE you EMBEDDED inside of me are second to none. Thank you for DECLARING every work of the enemy NULL AND VOID. Even when i do INIT 0, you cover me with your wings.
Thank you for my OS, may only your NAMESPACE be praised now till an INFINITE LOOP. Amen | | | | |
48
|
Forum / Forum Games / Unbelievable! Unbelievable!! Unbelievable!!! |
on: 4-05-2011 12:09 PM
| | can you tell a fresh unbelievable short story... even-though topic have been in here already let's do it once again!
#1:
We where in a bus of 18 seater, on a high speed lane was the driver....
one of the passengers was trying to dry his handkerchief through the closest window
while we where still going, the very hand he used outside to dry the handkerchief was cut off by another car...
but he could not noticed it....when he gets to his destination he wanted to pay the conductor with the very hand, but discovered that the hands was off his shoulder he then slump cos of much bleeding.
#2: In a club we where dancing with friends girls and guys; one among us while dancing was also jumping, on the process one
of the ceiling fan cut-off his head and he was still dancing, when he was sweating...he reach-out for handkerchief in his pocket,
when he was about to wipe out the sweat on his face, he discovered that his head was nomore, he fell down and died.
next! | | | | |
50
|
Forum / Forum Games / Rhymes On! |
on: 3-05-2011 02:21 PM
| | Drop your two or three words Rhymes here....i'll start with a short one
....it takes OBAMA to get OSAMA.....
next | | | | |
52
|
Forum / Religion / is this Wickedness? |
on: 2-05-2011 05:12 PM
| | Mattew 25:1-26 One day, a fine gentleman was walking down the street on his way to work. He was on his way to the prestigious bank where he worked as one of the managers. He was known in town as a good moral christain with a strong sense of righteous living. This devout christain man began his day in the office with a morning devotion. He was also known to be a man with strong family values who took his children to the local swimming club every week as he himself was a very good swimmer. One day, on his way to work, he spotted a child shouting for help in the river which ran through his city. The person in the river was shouting, splashing and causing a big commotion as she tried to get the attention of passers-by. A little crowd of on-lookers had gathered on the shore hoping that someone who could swim would save the little girl.This fine gentleman was, however, on his way to work and needed to be on time for his board meeting. He decided to ignore the screams for help and passed on. He arrived at his office on time to have the morning devotion with his staff. Later that day, the body of the person who had screamed for help from the river was washed ashore and taken to the local mortuary. This nice christain gentleman carried on with his life and became more acclaimed as a perfect example of good christian character. You should describe this man as | | | | |
53
|
Forum / FunnyHub (Jokes + Comedy) / Diary Of A Young Wife |
on: 2-05-2011 04:56 PM
| | Monday:
Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home. It's fun to cook for Tim. Today I made an angel food cake and the recipe said , 'beat 12 eggs separately'. Well, I didn't have enough bowls to do that, so I had to borrow 12 bowls to beat the eggs in. The cake turned out fine though.
Tuesday:
We wanted a fruit salad for supper. the recipe said, 'serve without dressing'. So I didn't dress. but Tim happened to bring a friend home for supper that night. they both looked so startled when I served them. I think it was the salad.
Wednesday:
I decided to serve rice and found a recipe which said 'wash thoroughly before steaming the rice'. So I heated some water and took a bath before steaming the rice. Sounded kinda silly in the middle of the day. I can't say it improved the rice anyhow.
Thursday:
Today Tim asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said 'prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving'. I hunted all over the place for a garden and when I got one, I tossed my salad into the bed of lettuce and stood over there for over one hour so the dog would not take it. Tim came over and asked if I felt alright. I wonder why. He must be stressed at work. I'll try to be supportive.
Friday:
Today I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, 'put all ingredients in a bowl and beat it'. Beat it I did, to my mum's place. There must have been something wrong with the recipe, because when I came back home again it looked the same as when I left it.
Saturday:
Tim went shopping today and brought home a chicken. He then asked me to dress it for Sunday. I'm sure I don't know how hens dress for Sunday. I never noticed back on the farm, but I found an old doll dress and it's little cute shoes. I thought the hen looked really cute. When Tim saw it, he started counting to ten. Either he was really stressed because of his work, or he wanted the chicken to dance.
When I asked him what was wrong he started crying and shouting out 'Why me?'
Hmmmmm....... It must be his job. | | | | |
54
|
Forum / FunnyHub (Jokes + Comedy) / Smart Nigerian...lol |
on: 2-05-2011 04:36 PM
| | An American lawyer and a Nigerian are sitting next to each other on a long
flight. The lawyer believes that Nigerians are so dumb that he could put
something over on them easily...So the lawyer asks if the Nigerian would
like to play a fun game.
The Nigerian is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines
and tries to catch a few winks. The American lawyer persists, and says that
the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don't know the
answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer,
I will pay you $500, he says.
This catches the Nigerian's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he
agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from The Earth to
the Moon?' The Nigerian
doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a five-dollar bill, and
hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the Nigerian's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill
with three legs, and comes down with four?' The lawyer uses his laptop and
searches all
references he could find on the Net. He sends e-mails to all the smart
friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour
of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the Nigerian and hands him
$500. The Nigerian pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the Nigerian up
and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with
four?'
The Nigerian reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to
sleep. | | | | |
56
|
Forum / Relationships & Romance / Be Nice to Your Kids |
on: 29-04-2011 05:16 PM
| | This is indeed food for thought.
GOD CREATED CHILDREN (AND IN THE PROCESS GRANDCHILDREN)
To those of us who have children in our lives,
whether they are our own,
grandchildren,
nieces,
nephews,
or students...
here is something to make you chuckle.
Whenever your children are out of control,
you can take comfort from the thought that
even God's omnipotence did not extend
to His own children.
After creating heaven and earth,
God created Adam and Eve.
And the first thing he said was
' DON'T !'
'Don't what ? '
Adam replied.
'Don't eat the forbidden fruit.'
God said.
'Forbidden fruit ?
We have forbidden fruit ?
Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit ! '
' No Way ! '
'Yes way ! '
'Do NOT eat the fruit ! '
said God.
'Why ? '
'Because I am your Father and I said so ! '
God replied,
wondering why He hadn't stopped
creation after making the elephants
A few minutes later,
God saw His children having an apple break
and He was ticked !
'Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit ? '
God asked.
'Uh huh,'
Adam replied.
'Then why did you ? '
said the Father.
'I don't know,'
said Eve.
'She started it! '
Adam said.
'Did not ! '
'Did too ! '
'DID NOT ! '
Having had it with the two of them,
God's punishment was that Adam and Eve
should have children of their own.
Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.
If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it,
don't be hard on yourself.
If God had trouble raising children,
what makes you think it would be
a piece of cake for you ?
THINGS TO THINK ABOUT !
1. You spend the first two years of their life
teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend
the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.
2. Grandchildren are God's reward
for not killing your own children.
3. Mothers of teens now know why
some animals eat their young.
4. Children seldom misquote you.
In fact,
they usually repeat word for word
what you shouldn't have said
5. The main purpose of holding children's parties
is to remind yourself that there are children
more awful than your own.
6. We childproofed our homes,
but they are still getting in.
ADVICE FOR THE DAY:
Be nice to your kids.
They will choose your
nursing home one day.
AND FINALLY:
IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION
AND YOU GET A HEADACHE,
DO WHAT IT SAYS
ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:
'TAKE TWO ASPIRIN'
AND 'KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN'!!!!! | | | | |
57
|
Forum / Religion / The Lord’s Clinic |
on: 29-04-2011 04:48 PM
| | The Lord’s CLINIC…..
I went to the lord’s clinic to have my routine checkup and I confirmed I was ill.
When Jesus took my blood pressure
He saw I was low in tenderness.
When he read my temperature,
The thermometer registered 40 degrees anxiety.
He ran an electrocardiogram
And found that I needed several love bypasses since my arteries were blocked with loneliness and could not provide for an empty heart.
I went to orthopedics,
Because I could not walk by my brother’s side and I could not hug my friends, since I had fractured myself tripping with envy.
He also found I was short- sighted,
Since I could not see beyond the short comings of my brothers and sisters
When I complained about deafness,
The diagnosis was that I had stopped listening to Jesus’ voice talking to me on a daily basis.
For all that
Jesus gave me free consultation, thanks to his merciful, so my pledge is to once I leave this clinic, only take the natural remedies He prescribed through.
His word of truth:
Every morning, take a full glass of gratitude.
When getting to work, take one spoonful of peace.
Every hour, take one pill of patience, one cup of brotherhood, and one glass of humility.
When getting home, take one does of love.
When getting to bed, take two caplets of clear conscience.
Don’t give in to sadness or desperation for what you are going through today. God knows how you feel…. God knows exactly and with perfection, what is being allowed to happen to you in your life at this precise moment.
God’s purpose for you is simply perfect.
He wants to show you things that only you can understand by living what you are living, and by being in the place you are now.
May God give you……
For every storm, a rainbow.
For every tear, a smile.
For every care, a promise, and a blessing in each trial.
For every problem life sends, a faithful friend to share.
For every sigh, a sweet song, and an answer for each prayer. | | | | |
58
|
Forum / FunnyHub (Jokes + Comedy) / THE GOSPEL IN PIDGIN. |
on: 29-04-2011 04:41 PM
| |
Reinhard Bonke came to Okuokoko village in Delta state for a convention. He mounted the podium and started preaching the gospel. Barely 10 minutes into the sermon, he noticed that the congregation was not catching up seriously. He called on the nearest man(Akpomiemie) and asked him why they were looking blank. Akpomiemie answered “sir, dem no understand your big English". Reinhard Bonke thought for a moment and then asked Akpomiemie for assistance. This is what ensued:
Reinhard Bonke: "As it is written in the bible".
Akpomiemie: "As dem yarn for bible side".
Reinhard Bonke: "Jesus entered the boat with his disciples".
Akpomiemie: "Na im Jesus fall inside canoe with him palles"
Reinhard Bonke: "As the boat was sailing there was a great storm"
Akpomiemie: " As the canoe dey remove na im yawa come gas"
Reinhard Bonke: " the storm was so great that it was like a whirl wind".
Akpomiemie: "the yawa na die so tay kasala burst enter".
Reinhard Bonke: " the disciples became so afraid and they shouted master master"
Akpomiemie: "na im liver drop him palles, dem begin hala bros eh, bros eh".
Reinhard Bonke: " Jesus got up and calmed down the wind"
Akpomiemie: "Na im Jesus rise up come arrange the yawa".
Reinhard Bonke: " He turned to his disciples and said, 'oh ye men of little faith'".
Akpomiemie: “Na so Jesus look him palles, shake him head say 'UNA FALL MY HAND' ".
Reinhard Bonke: “the disciples replied and said what manner of man is this?
Akpomiemie: him palles come hala say sho... 'Bro J, which levels? , YOU BE WINSH!!!
| | | | |
