Owner to Gardner: Go and water the plants.

Gardner: Sir, it is raining..

Owner: No excuses, you can use umbrella..

Wife: Look at that funny guy who has drunk a lot..

Husband: Who is he?

Wife: He is my ex-boyfriend but i denied him for marriage.

Husband: Oh my god! He is still celebrating his freedom...

He will have to learn, I know,
that all men are not just, all men are not true.
But teach him also that
for every scoundrel there is a hero;
that for every selfish Politician, there is a dedicated leader…
Teach him that for every enemy there is a friend,

Steer him away from envy,
if you can, teach him the secret of quiet laughter.

Let him learn early that
the bullies are the easiest to lick…
Teach him, if you can, the wonder of books…
But also give him quiet time to ponder the eternal mystery of birds in the sky,
bees in the sun, and the flowers on a green hillside.

In the school teach him
it is far honourable to fail than to cheat…
Teach him to have faith in his own ideas,even if everyone tells him they are wrong…
Teach him to be gentle with gentle people,
and tough with the tough.

Try to give my son
the strength not to follow the crowd when everyone is getting on the band wagon…
Teach him to listen to all men… but teach him also to filter
all he hears on a screen of truth,
and take only the good that comes through.

Teach him if you can,
how to laugh when he is sad…
Teach him there is no shame in tears,
Teach him to scoff at cynics and to beware of too much sweetness…
Teach him to sell his brawn and brain to the highest bidders
but never to put a price-tag on his heart and soul.

Teach him to close his ears
to a howling mob and to stand and fight if he thinks he's right.
Treat him gently, but do not cuddle him,
because only the test of fire makes fine steel.

Let him have the courage
to be impatient…
let him have the patience to be brave.
Teach him always to have sublime faith in himself,
because then he will have sublime faith in mankind.

This is a big order,
but see what you can do…
He is such a fine little fellow, my son!

~ Abraham Lincoln

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A Sardar, a German and a Nigerian got arrested consuming alcohol which is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia , so
for the terrible crime they are all sentenced 20 lashes each of the whip.
 
As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik announced:
"It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."
 
The German was first in line; he thought for a while and then said:
"Please tie a pillow to my back."
 
This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes & the German had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.
 
The Indian Sardar was next up. After watching the German in horror he said
smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back."
 
But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes & the Indian Sardar was also led away whimpering loudly.
 
The Nigerian was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said:
 
"You are from a most populous country in Africa and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"
 
"Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness," Nigerian replied.
 
"In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."
 
"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave." The Sheik said with an admiring look on his face.
 
"If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it." And what is your second wish?" the Sheik asked.
 
Nigerian smiled and said, "Tie the Indian Sardar to my back" !!!

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.

He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.

After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble.

At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.

When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"?
"This is Heaven, sir," the man answered.

"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked.
"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up."

The man gestured, and the gate began to open. "Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveler asked.? I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets."

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.

After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence.

As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book. "Excuse me!" he called to the man. "Do you have any water?"? "Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in."

"How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to the dog.? "There should be a bowl by the pump." They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it.

The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog.

When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.?

"What do you call this place?" the traveler asked.

"This is Heaven," he answered.

"Well, that's confusing," the traveler said. "The man down the road said that was Heaven, too."

"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell."

"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"

"No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind."

A man goes to hell after his death. There he finds a different hell for each country. He decides to pick the least painful to spend his eternity.
 
He goes to German hell and asks, 'What do they do here?' He is told 'first they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day'.The man does not like the sound of that at all so he moves on.
 
He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more.He discovers that they are all similar to the German hell.
 
Then he comes to the NIGERIAN hell and finds that there is a long line of people anxiously waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks, 'What do they do here?' He is told 'first they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. The Pakistani devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day.
 
'But that is exactly the same as all the other hells so why are there so many people waiting to get in?' asks the man.'
 
Because there is never any electricity, so the electric chair does not work. The nails were paid for but never supplied, so the bed is comfortable to sleep on. And the NIGERIAN devil used to be a civil servant, so he comes in, signs his time sheet and goes back home for private business.

I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately
needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my loud
gas with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee,
and noticed that everybody was staring at me....


Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod

In a shop a man asked for 1/2 kg of butter.

The salesperson, a young boy,said that only 1kg packs were
available in the shop, but the man insisted on buying only 1/2 kg.

So the boy went inside to the manager's room and said 'An idiot
outside wants to buy only 1/2 kg of butter'.

To his surprise, the customer was standing behind him.

So the boy added immediately,  'And this gentleman wants to buy
the other half!'.

After the customer left, the manager said 'You have saved your
position by being clever enough at the right time. Where do you come
from?'.
To this the boy said, 'I come from Mexico . The place consists
of only prostitutes and
football players!'.

The manager replied coldly, 'My wife is also from Mexico '.

To this the boy asked excitedly, 'Oh yeah? Which team does she
play for?'

Abeg we no get president joo.....wait until the end of his rule then you will justify my word. I love my life, family and friends more than any president and when you dont care about those i love then phyuk YOU!!