-No take backs(Once they see u're really going to leave,they usually back off from their abusive tactics.U may receive gifts,flowers, and all kinds of promises to change.Not buying in is tough,bcz everything in u will desperately want to believe them).
-Avoid contact(Whether u reach out to your ex or vice versa,the results will be confusing and painful.If u contact them,u might find they've moved on.Don't invite contact or respond to it,no matter how curious u are or how validating u may think it might be.Don't tell your ex what to do or continue to try to fix them.It's over.Move on.If u feel guilty about leaving your partner,remember,your partner functioned without u before u met them--as did u..)
-Take care of yourself(U've been through an extremely stressful experience and u need time to heal.U're probably dropped the habit of caring for yourself,or have developed serious problems with depression--even traits of post traumatic stress disorder. Seek professional help if you haven't already.
Go for a walk.Go to a coffee shop and be open to conversation.If u have hobbies(especially creative and expressive ones)use this new-found time to pursue your interests.Look upon this as a great new beginning.Go back to school.Set some new goals.If u've learned unhealthy coping techniques,like drinking, seek help.
Isolation may be one of your biggest problems.Even if u don't feel like it,make new friends,reconnect with old ones,and reach out to supportive family members.Ask them for what u need.They may say u should have left long ago;on the other hand,they might tell u u're doing the wrong thing.Stay true to yourself.Be specific about what u need and don't need from them..)
-Take time to process this journey(Even if the relationship was bad and u're happy about getting out,u may go through the stages of grief: denial,anger,bargaining,depression,and acceptance.These stages don't happen overnight,and u will go back and forth between them. Give yourself time.
Whether you were together for a long time or a short,intense time,u had hopes and dreams.U thought this person was a soul mate and u're convinced u'll never find someone u'll love as much and who will love u.This isn't true.A new relationship may not be intense,but it will be more intimate.U need time to grieve both the loss of what was and what u hoped would be..)
-If you were married, anticipate a difficult, high conflict divorce.
-Prepare for a distortion campaign(An abandoned partner may try retaliating and starting a "smear" campaign or distortion campaign.This consists of making false allegations or exaggerating the negative in things that may have happened years ago.If ur partner degraded previous partners,assume the worst.
While u can't prevent this,u can do damage control.Quickly anticipate what your ex might say--think of old arguments and false accusations.Next,have short,informal chats with people who may be on the receiving end.Briefly mention they may hear things and ask them to talk to u to see if they're true.
If you are getting divorced and your spouse is making false accusations and gathering negative allies,u need to respond at once).
-When u start dating again,be aware of red flags of potentially abusive ppl(U know this person acted abusively.So why does it hurt so much now that they're gone?Why do u feel almost addicted to the other person,even missing all the drama and intensity of the relationship?
The reasons for this are complex.U brought certain issues into the relationship;so did they.The combination of trauma with intermittent good time creates a strong bond--an unhealthy one.U may be mistaking intensity for intimacy.
Ppl who have patterns dating high conflict people may be trying to resolve issues stemming from important childhood relationships. Explore this with a therapist before getting into another relationship.This is critical.
Ppl can be great at hiding their illness in the beginning of a relationship,but in retrospect,u will see that some early signs were there.Don't rush into any new relationships before u have fully processed the previous bad one.
In the end,u will be amazed that u even allowed yourself to stay in such a relationship,and even more amazed to find that u now have the inner strength and awareness to avoid repeating it in the future).
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