Wolfgang Amadaus Mozart was a prolific and influential COMPOSER of Classical music during the 1700's.

Backward music = de-composing

When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A
couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the
cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area
where Mozart was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the
priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the
grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from
the grave. 
 
Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When
the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave,
listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's
Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." 
 
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth
Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the
magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh...the
Sixth...the Fifth..." Suddenly the realization of what was
happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced
to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow
citizens, there's nothing to worry about.

It's just Mozart decomposing."

Q: Why don't men blink during foreplay?

 A: They don't have time. 

Two cows standing next to each other in a field,
Daisy says toDolly,
"Iwas artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.

A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?"asks
the doc. "It's... um...well... I have five penises," replies the man.
Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?"
"Like a glove."

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?


Because they have big fingers.

In pharmacology, all drugs have a generic name.
Tylenol is Acetominophen,
Advil is Ibuprofen,
Rogaine is Minoxodil, and so on.

The U.S. FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra, and
announced today that they have settled on Mycoxafloppin.

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon
down by the river.

He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the
preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and
says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, Preacher, I sure am."

The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls
him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked.

"Nooo, I didn't!" said the drunk.

The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer,
brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"

"Noooo, I have not, Reverend."

The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30
seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a
harsh tone, "My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?"

The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher, "Are
you sure this is where he fell in?"

A boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his office door. Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said: "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!

A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon
a cave.  Written across the wall of the cave were the following
symbols, in this order of appearance:  A woman, a donkey, a shovel, a
fish, and a Star of David.
They decided that this was at least three thousand years old.
They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum
where archaeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient
symbols.
They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss
the meaning of the markings the President of the society stood up and
pointed at the first drawing and said:
"This looks like a woman.  We can judge that this race was family
oriented and held women in high esteem.  You can also tell they
were intelligent, as the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were
smart enough to have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing
looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to
help them."
"Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which
means that if a famine had hit the earth, whereby the food didn't grow,
they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol appears to be the
Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews."
The audience applauded enthusiastically.

Suddenly a little old man stood up in the back of the room and
said, "Idiots!  Hebrew is read from right to left.  It says:"Holy
Mackerel, dig the ass on that woman.'"

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber, who responded, "Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting  there?"

"We're taking KLM," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"KLM!" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."

"That dump! That's the worst hotel in Rome. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look like the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it!"

A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome. "It was wonderful," explained the man, "Not only were we on time in one of KLM's brand new planes, but it was over booked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28-year-old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel!  Well, it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were over booked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the barber, "But I know you didn't get to see the pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the pope walked in. As I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."

"What'd he say?" asked the barber.

He said, "Where'd you get the crappy haircut?"

A man wondered if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin.
The reason is because he is not sure if sex is work or play.
So he goes to a priest and asks for the priest's opinion.

After consulting the Bible, the priest says, "My son, after
an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is
therefore not permitted on the Sabbath."

The man thinks, "What does a priest know about sex?" So, he
decides to ask a minister. The minister gives the same reply
as the priest had given him. Sex is work, and therefore not
permitted on the Sabbath.

Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out a Rabbi. The Rabbi
ponders the question, then states, "My son, sex is definitely
play."

The man asks, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many
others are convinced that sex is work?"

The Rabbi replies, "If sex were work, my wife would have the
maid do it."

A young teacher one afternoon explains to her class of children that she is an atheist. She asks her class if they are atheists too.
Not really knowing what atheism is but wanting to be liked by their teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks. There is, however, one exception. A girl named Sara has not gone along with the crowd.
The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.
"Because I'm not an atheist."
"Then," asks the teacher, "what are you?"
"I'm Christian."
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Sara why she is Christian.
"Well, I was brought up knowing and loving God. My Mom is Christian, and my dad is Christian, so I am Christian."
The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your Mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"
A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Sara, "I'd be an atheist."

"Man who run in front of car, get tired"
"Man who run behind car, get exhausted"
"Passionate kiss like the spider's web - soon lead to undoing of fly"
"Foolish man give wife Grand Piano. Wise man give wife upright organ"
"Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways is going to Bangkok"
"Man who scratches ass should not bite finger nails"
"Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it"
"War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left"
"Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat-house"
"Man who sleep in cat-house by day, sleep in doghouse by night"
"Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night"
"Man who tell one too many light bulb jokes soon burn out"
"It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it"
"Man who drive like hell, bound to get there"
"Man who sit on tack get point"
"Man who live in glass house should change in basement"
"He who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs"
"Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk”

Two statues, one male and one female were facing each other in a beautiful Italian garden. These statues had been attracted to each other for over two-hundred years and one day an angel came down and granted them the ability to be real for thirty minutes. So, the statues, having been attracted to each other for so long, went behind a bush and made a big racket, presumably doing the assumed. They came out after fifteen minutes very exited by their activities and the angel asked what they did and why they did not use up all their time. The female statue replied,"we've been having lots of fun but were going to change places, this time he's going to hold down the pigeon and I'm going to crap on it."

This married couple is on holiday in Pakistan. They're touring around the market place looking at the goods and such, when they pass this small sandal shop. From inside they hear a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say" you, foreigners! come in, come into my humble shop. salam a leekem! {hello in english} So the married couple walks in. The Pakistani man says to them" I have some special sandals I think you'd be interested in. They make you wild at sex like a great desert camel."
Well, the wife after hearing this really interested in buying the sandals, but her husband feels he really doesn't need them, being the sex god he is. The husband tells the man," how could sandals make you into a sex freak"
The Pakistani man replies" just try them on," Well, the husband after much badgering from his wife, finally concedes to try them on. The husband tries them on and gets this wild look in his eyes, something his wife has not seen in many years, raw segxwal power. IN a blink of the eye, the husband rushes the Pakistani man, throws him on a table and starts tearing at the guys pants. All the time the Pakistani man is screaming " you're got them on the wrong feet"

I misplaced my dictionary. Now I'm at a loss for words.

A lawyer stood at the gate to Heaven. St. Peter was patiently explaining that the man's sins were far too many and serious to allow for admission into heaven. "Sir, surely you don't deny that you routinely overcharged your clients. That you cheated on your wife with your law clerks and associates -- and that you used your position as a partner to pressure those clerks and associates into becoming involved with you. Surely you don't deny that you deliberately took false positions in court in order to win cases, where any sense of ethics would have caused you to settle. And there's so much more here, why surely...."
The lawyer interrupted, "Yes, yes, I know all of that. But I've done some charity in my life as well."
St. Peter looked in his book and noted,"Yes, I see. Once you gave a dime to a panhandler and once you gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy, correct?"
The lawyer looked smug. He replied, "Yes."
St. Peter turned to the angel next to him and said, "Give this guy 15 cents and tell him to go to hell."

Two children were sitting outside a clinic. One of them was crying very loudly. 
2nd Child: Why are you crying? 
1st Child: I came here for blood test. 
2nd Child: So? Are you afraid? 
1st Child: No. Not that. For the blood test, they cut my finger. 
At this, the second one started crying. The first one was astonished. 
1st Child: Why are you crying now? 
2nd Child: I have come for my urine test!

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, "How was the honeymoon?"

"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."

Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language...things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please mama!"

"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed they're just too awful! Come get me, please!"

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset.... Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama...words like DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK...!"