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The Picture of Safe Sex

YOU call ME Colored?

A whiteman and his new girlfriend are out swimming at a secluded beach and decide to go Nood. After a few hours in the sun they go to the woman's apartment. After three sessions of sex he goes to the refrigeator for a drink. Since he is so sunburned and his dick is aching from it, he fills a glass with cold milk and sticks it in the milk. Just then the girl walks in, sees what he is doing and says "I always wondered how you guys reload that thing".

Because he was a bad conductor. So bad that he could not even conduct electricity.

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station, when he noticed
a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the
sides, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon was being pulled by
her dog and her cat.

The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.

"That sure is a nice fire truck," the firefighter said with admiration.

"Thanks," the girl replied.

The firefighter looked a little closer. He noticed the girl had tied the
wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

"Little partner," the firefighter said, "I don't want to tell you how to run
your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think
you could go faster."

The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I
wouldn't have a siren."

What does a woman get out of playing with a man?

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The wrinkles

Two women were sitting together at the tavern bar.

The woman sitting next to a man told her friend "don't look now but the man next to me is playing with himself."

The friend asked "do you think we should leave right now?"

The woman next to the man said "no, we can't."

"Why not?" asked her friend.

She replied "Cuz he is using my hand."

The tri stages of sex in marriage:

  1.Tri-weekly
  2.Try-weekly
  3.Try-weakly

no piano, just organ

What's better than roses on your piano? Tulips on your organ.

On their 20th wedding anniversary a couple was sitting on the sofa watching television. She snuggled up to her husband and asked "what were you thinking of 20 years ago on this night?" He said "I was thinking about screwing your brains out."

She snuggled even closer and asked "what are you thinking about right now. He replied "what a good job I did."

On their 40th wedding anniversary an old couple were sitting on the front porch in rocking chairs. All of a sudden the wife swatted her husband knocking him over and sprawling onto the flloor. "What was that for?" he asked. She replied "that was for 40 years of bad sex."

He got up, picked up the chair and sat back down. A few minutes later the husband satted his wife knocking her over and sprawling on the floor. "What was that for?" she asked. The husband replied "that's for knowing the difference."

A  woman in the U.S. decides to have a facelift for her 50th  birthday.

She  spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the  results.

On  her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a  newspaper.

Before  leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my  asking, but how old do you think I  am

'About  32,' is the reply.'

'Nope!  I'm exactly 50,' the woman says  happily.

A  little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the  counter girl the very same  question.

The  girl replies, 'I'd guess about  29.' 

The  woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm  50.' 

Now  she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug  stor e on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter  to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning  question.

The  clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say  30.'

Again  she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank  you!'

While  waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting  next to her the same  question.

He  replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although,  when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a  woman was. It sounds very forward, but it  requires You  to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then  can I tell you EXACTLY how old you  are.'

They  wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets  the best of her. She finally blurts out, 'What the  hell, go  ahead.'

He  slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel  around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and  weighs each  Bosom  and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her  Bosom s together and rubs them against  each Other.

After  a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay......How  old am I?'

He completes one last squeeze of her  Bosom s, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are  50.'

Stunned  and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could  you tell?'

The  old man says, 'Promise you won't get  mad?'

'I  promise I won't' she  says.

'I  was behind you at  McDonald's.'

Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 109 deputy neutrons, and 360 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 495.
 
These 495 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.
 
Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.
 
 Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
 
In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
 
 This characteristic of morons promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

'Of course I won't laugh, said the nurse. I'm a professional. In over twenty
years I've never laughed at a patient.'

'Okay then,' said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the
tiniest 'man thingy' the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't
have been bigger than a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling, then fell to the
floor laughing. Ten minutes later, she was able to struggle to her feet and
regain her composure.

'I am so sorry,' she said. 'I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a
nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems
to be the problem?'

'It's swollen,' Fred replied.

She ran out of the room.

This one so old it has dinosaur crap all over it