An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a
stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had
failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him
about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you
been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured
himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the
bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged
himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told
that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of
execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to
go up stairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her
husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU
EVER STOP?!'

Charlie and John were sitting in a pub having a conversation about the pub quiz the previous night.

Charlie "How was the pub quiz here last night"

John "Terrible, i was disqualified"

Charlie "Dats terrible"

John " One of the question was to name two things commonly found in cells"

He continued

"It turns out that Nigerians and Zimbabweans was not the correct answer"

"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back
home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes
out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the
fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "at my local in London, the King's
Head, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first
two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favourite pub,
Mick's, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then
another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough
drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid. All on the
house!"

 The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of these claims. The Irishman
swore every word was true. "Did this actually happen to you?" "Not meself,
personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me young
sister quite a few times."

A guy goes hunting. Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over and
discharged shooting himself in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his
doctor.

"Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that
you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very
little internal damage and we were able to remove all of the buckshot."

"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.

"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done
to your penis which left quite a few holes in it. I'm going to have to
refer you to my sister."

"Well I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your sister a
plastic surgeon?"

"Not exactly," answered the doctor. "She's a flute player in the Boston
Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so
you don't piss in your eye."

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most
perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the
second. In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent, when
her mobile phone rang.

It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a
terrible car accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that
she'd be there as soon as possible. As she hung up she realized she was
leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques...

She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the
hospital.

She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a
cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of the last
shop.

She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the
hospital.

She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition.

The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, "You went ahead and finished
your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you
were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband
has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went
ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping
trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require
round-the-clock care. And he will now be your career!"

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed.

The lady doctor then chuckled and said, "I'm just pulling your leg. He's
dead. Show me what you bought"

Damn funny!!!

~ A man walked into a library and asked for a book on suicide.

The librarian said, "F* off, you won't bring it back!"

A mother decided to visit a doctor regarding his son's health.

Mother:- "Doctor my son iz in gud health and all...but we're worried about his very small penis."

Doctor:- "Just feed him pancakes; that should solve the problem."

The next day at breakfast a dozen pancake was served..

The boy was amazed and asked "Gee, Mum, are ALL these for me"

The mother replied " Just take 2, the rest are for your father"

A drunk in a bar barfs all over his shirt. "Damn," he says. "I puked on my
shirt again. If the wife finds out, she's gonna kill me."

"Not to worry," says the bartender as he sticks a $20 bill in the drunk's
pocket. "Just tell her someone puked on you and gave you some cash to cover
the cleaning bill."

So the drunk goes home and tells his wife about the guy who puked on him.
She reaches into his pocket and finds two twenties. "Why are there two
twenties?" she asks.

The drunk replies, "Ummm, yeah... he crapped in my pants, too."