By now everyone knows that the Pilot who crash landed his plane into the Hudson River, in New York called his wife and said "there has been an accident darling". Well what would it be like if this happened in Nigeria what would the reaction be it is likely the following will happen:

1. The Pliot would say mo dan ran aya me ti baje

2. The Plane will likely sink becos of the load wey the women dey carry for their back

3. The River will be infested with herbalist charm

4. There will be a storm of prayers, devil is a liar , no weapon fashion will crash the plane , father lord am sorry i slept with the housegirl

Every Nigeria president had a swiss bank account except one

Every Nigeria President had several houses abroad except one

Every Nigeria President looked after their immediate family , except one

Every Nigeria President could speak the three main languages , except one

But only one President died on top of a prostitute

Obonjo: The Audacity of my God Father 2047 , a Souvenir supplement with Magodo times

To Text Number 0800 419419

From: 0800 300300

Dear Uncle

Cant locate you at the white house inaguration its not like its dark so you should be able to see me. I am on the third row in front of where Obama is making his speech. I am wearing the Nigerian Agabada, its quite cold oooooo Uncle very cold. These Americans are so civil the way they have handed over from Bush to Obama is amazing. Meanwhile the Zimbabwe poweer sharing deal is off. Come and say hello if you manage to get close enough and speak in English when you see me and call me by my English name.

Regards

Babatunde

Obama Obama Obama how many times did i call your name


Okay Obama you have put every black man on earth under Pressure, our wives, girlfriends, mistresses and house girls are looking at us differently since you were sworn in as President of the freeworld

First things First congratulations for becoming the most powerful Black Man , African, African American man on earth. Thanks to you I can no longer claim the following;

I can no longer claim i did not get the job because I have a funny name

I can no longer claim I need to marry outside my race to be successful in the Western World

I can no longer claim that I cant succeed in the Western World because I arrived from Nigeria many moons ago

I can no longer claim I cant be led or managed by a younger man

I can no longer claim in order for me to succeed I have to be a rap artist

I can no longer claim I need to be in Prison first before I make it in life

I can no longer claim I need to be a Sports Man to be successful

I can no longer claim my tribe is a barrier for running for Presidency

Thanks to you my wife bought me two of your books to read and I am still on the first page

Thanks to you my wife says I am no different from you

Thanks to you I now have a virtual Presidential campaign on facebook

Thanks to you I can no longer sleep at night I have run out of excuses

Dear Man

I am the ring you bought and wore on your wedding day, I hope you saw Obama wearing his wedding ring and placing it on the bible during his swearing ceremony as President. I hope you can see how far a ring can take a man. I hope you noticed that the ring was the same colour as me. I am the ring you wore on your wedding day and a few days later you complained that I was hurting your finger because you had put on weight, you needed to remove me from your finger. I cost you a fortune but you make me rot away in your cupboard. I am tired man I need to be worn , I need to feel your finger to feel your veins and blood stream run through me.

You have not worn me for years but I see you have bought another ring which has no class or uniqueness like me. This new ring you place on your little left finger , this ring wont take you anywhere I was blessed by the Lord , this new ring of yours I dont know where it has come from. I am sure you cant remember where you put me but all rings around the world have woken up to say Enough is Enough.

I am giving you an ultimatum if you do not put me on your finger by this weekend you will never see me again.

Regards

Ring

Nothing do me yesterday with a glasss of red wine, I watched the film Snakes on a plane , this is my reaction as follows:

You hear the words, your stomach muscles start to contract, the adrenalin starts to flow.

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i finally got to see the film Snakes last night ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh how am i ever going to be able to use the toilet without thinking a snake is trying to aim for my mojo ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, next time am going to be boarding a plane am going to be thinking what is behind me , are there any snakes below ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh am not sure why i feel this way,am still frightened Snakes.

oh dear i remember the scene where this large Python ate/crushed this big fat man , he was as big as me even though i dont regard myself as fat okay, geeeeeeeeeees he crushed his bones, can u imagine ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh before widening its mouth and swallowing his head.

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, the fat woman who thought she was being massaged by a man but it was a snake that was crawling around her ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh this is not a film for wimps, am sure not one but ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i was screaming most of the time screammmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm at one point family members asked me to stay calm, i guess they now see me differently you know.

Mo dan ran , oh my I no fit watch am ooooooo ye pa ri pa.

Dear Left Hand

How are you doing , I hope you are well. I am beginning to question what you have done for me lately. My left hand my left hand, my left hand, how many times did i call you. Kilode.

I have known you for so many years and I am beginning to wonder, if you have any made any impact in my life. lets not go there I know what i have used you for over the years,r lets not go there ojare. Owo osi ni ko ma lo ooooooo thats how I was thought ooo but come ooo , I mean look at the roll call of lefties in the world and I mean leaders as follows:

Barack Obama
John Mccain
Bill Clinton
George Bush Senior
Robert Deniro
Paul Mccartney
Prine Willam
Fidel Castro
Osama Bin Laden
Thomas Jefferson
Bart Simpson
Winston Churchill
Alexander the Great

Ki lo de ,The list is endless, come ooooooooo are there no famous Nigerian left handers anyway lets not go there.

Its like left handers are high achievers and My right hand seems to be making slow progess but i want more. I too I want to be President and I dont mean President of Facebook. I know I use my left hand for other things but how can I stop using my right hand and start using my left. Are left handers associated with extraordinary acheivements? Oya make we debate am and if you be leftie or rightie , no shaking it does not matter, me i just notice lefties get upper hand for this world, nothing do u , nothing wrong with that. My right hand, u better raise your game before you know it i go replace you with my left.

Regards

Obonjo

nb I typed this with both hands

Dia Broda Baraks,

Congrats on your assumption to the throne of US. We your Nigerian famili are very happy for you and for ourselves. It is our turn now to chop US national cake and our enemies cannot do anything about that.

I was to come to see you personally at Wite aus but I was not allowed at the airport because of say no fisa. I told them I am Obama kosin bet they refuse me. Your new elesion is a very good news for the Obama clan in Kenya and the famili in Nigeria. When I fest went to the family aus in Kenya to tell dem we are one famili they did not agree but my pastor from my church make 3 days dry fast and give me a special sponge to baf in barbitch after this they accept me. Becos they don’t remember the sister of your granfada mother dat went to Nigeria and mari a shief live near Lagos in 1956 which is also my own personal great grandfada.

Now the famili has choose me to diskus some important matas with you. You know you have been long in Amrica and have forget our traditions but tank God we, your famili are hia to guide you to be rill African man. As a president, you must have a male son in office who will take over after you die and since ya wife Mitchell has not able to do that, we have find a wife for you from your fada village. The famili have already chose a good girl from de village not like Amrica or lagos gals who are too stubborn to obey the famili. She is a humble well behave and edicated gal who study sewing and fasion disine so she can help with sewing your suit wen e tia and also unifom for ami and soja. I hope ya waif will assept famili shoice becos we have fogif her for her winchcraft wich dont allow her to have a male son but if not, she can go back to her fada. Even my pastor has say your younger thoter may need a deliverance becos her granmoda want to give her winsh and ogbanje spirit to chop. Please don’t wori about what dis will cost becos I will do it with my own pusonal moni becos we are one famili.

I also want to tell you that I want to set up NGO for hades unfans in Kenya and I can be the leader of the NGO. I have a good standard six degree and also studied computa at Iyana Ipaja so am well qualify for dis. Please I need your help for this.

I hope you will consider my request. I will also like your personal mobile so I can call you. Please greet Auntie Minchel and the shindren for us. God bless you and may all your enemies fall down and die, in Jesus’ name!

Til I hear you, I am