some effective ways to prevent infidelity.
Five things men are looking for when they
cheat:
1. Emotional Connection. As relationships mature,
power struggles tend to become more prevalent (as
obvious as the "I'm Right"/"No, I'm Right"
conversation and as subtle as the timing and
frequency of sex). When a man experiences repeated
power struggles with his spouse, his natural
tendency is to "go to his cave", which really means
get quiet and distant and grumpy! Which makes
emotional connection that much more difficult. Over
time he misses the emotional connection he
previously felt with his spouse.
When he meets someone new and they accept him
for "who he is" it's much easier for him to connect
with his emotions and feel connection with this new
and interesting person. Of course when the lust and
honeymoon period are over and the power struggles
start to arise in the new relationship he'll likely revert
to his well-learned pattern and his struggles will start
all over again.
2. Appreciation. Men loved to be appreciated and
like so many people they don't really know how to
accept appreciation! Or how to ask for it or even how
to give it to themselves (or to other people for that
matter). So when it stops being quite so plentiful
from their spouse and if the relationship contains a
heavy dose of blame and criticism (as most do) or
even possibly contempt, men start looking for
positive affirmations from others. With the new love
interest everything is wonderful — he is wonderful —
in the first flush of a new relationship — then we all
tend to fall into upping criticism and dropping
appreciation.
3. Intimacy. Men want a partner who will listen, who
will volunteer information about their own lives and
discoveries and someone who smiles and excitedly
shares their hopes and dreams. Of course, men don't
generally know how to communicate this. In their
existing relationship the tendency is to think, "We're
married, I know everything about you … " In their
new relationship everything is new and exciting and
learning about the new partner is initially easy and
the feeling of intimate connection is created.
4. Feeling Wanted. Everyone wants to feel wanted
regardless of age, gender or occupation. Men are no
different. And men tend to be socialized to provide
security and strength as an expectation, rather than
something to be appreciated for. As life moves along
a man can often feel like his contribution is taken for
granted and who he is, as opposed to what he can
provide, becomes less important. In a new
relationship suddenly he matters again.
5. Sex. Speaking of fun activities, men generally do
want sex and the more the better. Sex is one way
that men feel connected to their partner. Men also
feel appreciated and wanted when they have sex
with their partner. So for men, sex provides the first
four items on our list plus physical pleasure that
allows men to focus totally on the present moment.
In a new relationship the sex tends to be a lot more
frequent. At least initially!
So What's The Answer?
When a man thinks about cheating it's likely that
he's not happy about the relationship he's in and/or
that something is missing. What also seems to
happen is that men feel victimised by their
relationship and believe they have no power to
influence a change. "If only she would …" is often a
refrain that many married men espouse and yet they
say nothing to their partner. Or complain that when
they try, she just doesn't listen.
Sure there's a part that the partner plays in all this
but I'm talking about the male side of the equation
and what the man can do to find what he's looking
for within his relationship.
There are four main approaches being part of
the cure which are listed below:
1. Be Brave. Speak up about what is concerning you
or lacking in your relationship — regardless of the
response that comes up from your partner. If you
want something different in your relationship, you
need to become courageous and communicate
clearly. Then the possibility for creating something
very different and special can exist.
Find out what drives men to cheat and learn some
effective ways to prevent infidelity.
2. Take responsibility. Be open and interested in
what you are doing to contribute to the state of your
relationship. And be willing to make your own
changes.
3. Recognise the difference between feeling
segxwal and taking action. segxwal feelings, like all
our other feelings, are not under our control. Acting
on our segxwal feelings is totally under our control.
Don't use the "I just couldn't help myself" line to
excuse your behaviour.
If you really are not fulfilled, segxwally or otherwise in
your relationship and you think that the answer is to
cheat, think again. The answer is to delve into
yourself and your partner and your relationship to
create something new. And if that is not possible
then the answer may be to leave the relationship —
openly, clearly and courageously.
4. Shoot for the moon. Maybe we've taken our
relationships for granted or maybe we set our
relationship goals too low. What would happen if we
shot for the moon when it comes to our intimate
relationship and make this partnership our highest
priority? Through making our connection our highest
priority we can begin to learn so much about our
partner and ourselves such that life feels exciting
and alive all the time
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