31, 2013 in OLISAX I
have decided to write you this 18-
page letter BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE. If I
don’t write it now, people may start
considering you as a good president; forgetting that I am the only good
president Nigeria has ever had. There is
no one like me. As far as Nigeria is
concerned, I am the Baba of the Babas. I
am the president of the presidents.
Before me, Nigeria had no president. After me, there will be no other
president. I have had occasion in the
past to warn
you, especially when I nominated you
as vice-president to Yar’Adua and then
campaigned for you to be president, that under no circumstances should you
outshine me. I did not put you there to
do the things I could not do. Neither did
I put you there to succeed where I
failed. I put you there because my
fourth-term agenda failed. Therefore, I needed someone to be a figure-head,
while I continue to rule from behind the
scene. But since you became president,
you
have not been following my orders. I
have warned you again and again to desist from this abuse of the authority I
gave you. But you have refused to
listen. So you now think you are actually
the President of the Federal
Republic of Nigeria. I still de laugh! You
are not the president. I am the president. If you continue to disobey
me, and to promulgate policies that put
me in a bad light when compared to
you, I will see to it that you don’t even
complete your first-term, how much
more have a second-term. I am already in discussions with the
APC to see if we can have you
impeached. Did you not read in the
papers that APC leaders came to my
house the other day? When they were
here, we all ate pounded yam with egusi soup. Even Buhari had a second
helping and asked for the recipe. You
better read the writing on the wall. I
notice you have quickly returned the
missing 49 billion dollars after I brought
the matter to the notice of fellow Nigerians; but that won’t help you. I
will have you know that we are
already training 1000 snipers who will
puncture all the tyres of your
supporters. Therefore, if you know
what is good for you, you better start acting as the puppet president I put you
there to be. How dare you, Goodluck?
How dare
you build almajiri schools in the North?
Why didn’t you suggest that to me
while I was in office? How dare you address the NEPA problem when I could
not? What exactly are you trying to
prove? You think you are better than
me? Don’t you know that you would
have remained a striking university
lecturer if it had not been for me? How dare you appoint a competent man to
be Minister of Agriculture? Now the man
is going around getting awards for
his policies. Which policies? I am the
one who revolutionized the agric sector
in Nigeria. When I became president, I had only one farm. By the time I left
office, I had over six farms in different
parts of the country. Is that not
progress? How many farms do you
have? You can never be better than me.
The corruption in my government was far
more than yours. You have nothing to
compare with my infamous Siemens
and Haliburton scandals. You don’t even
have the gumption to buy a Toyota
Land Cruiser for your mistress. Chinua Achebe said, “One of the truest test of
integrity is its blunt refusal to be
compromised.” You will soon find that
this statement cannot be applied to me.
I am above it. How dare you release
AlMustapha from prison after 14 years when you know I
want him to stay there for the rest of
his natural life? I give you my word;
you are going to regret that decision.
How dare you convene a national
conference when I specifically refused to do so? Are you trying to make me
look bad? Did you even get my
approval before agreeing to it? You are
a very disrespectful man. Do you think
that you, a minority nonentity from the
South-South, could have risen to be President of the country had it not been
for me? Have you forgotten so soon,
the extent I went in order to ensure
that you are where you are today?
There was only bad luck in Nigeria until
I, in my infinite wisdom, bequeathed good luck on the country. You
ungrateful man! If you don’t stop
all these irritating policies, I will declare
a national state of emergency.
Nonsense! You are supposed to obey
your elders. Henceforth, Goodluck Jonathan, you must obey me. Otherwise,
I will show you pepper. I
will pour sand into your gari. I will put
tea in your coffee. You can no longer be
trusted; that is why you will only get a
second-term over my dead body. I need to get someone in Aso Rock who will do
what I say. I already have your
replacement in mind. I don’t intend to
make the same mistake three times. I
will take him to a shrine under Olumo
Rock to swear an iron-clad oath to do whatever I say. Any flagrant disregard
of my authority, and he will not be able
to speak English and Hausa again.
People close to you, if not you yourself,
have been asking: “What does Baba
want?” What a stupid question. I want to be president of Nigeria again! I want
to be president! Half a dozen African
presidents have spoken to me and
assured me that I am the only president
they recognize in Nigeria. Half a dozen
of them said their only wish for Nigeria is that I should return to Aso Rock. Of
course, yes. Mugabe is still there. Why
not me? It is not my will but providence
has determined that the
presidency is my birthright. I fought for
this country. Single-handed, I kept Nigeria together during the civil-war.
You cannot sideline me. I put you there:
I can remove you. I made you: I can
unmake you. You are not the Messiah of
Nigeria. I am the Messiah. Don’t you
forget it! I want nothing personally from you but that you obey me at all
times. When I changed the constitution
of our
great party, I made sure I would
continue to control things by inserting a
clause which guaranteed that I am the only one qualified to be the Chairman
of the Board of Trustees. But as
chairman, I was not given the
recognition I deserve as the father of
the party. Therefore, I tendered my
resignation. Imagine my surprise when you had the audacity to accept it. You
are such an impudent man. If you knew
your place, you would have recognized
that my resignation was just a protest.
You were supposed to send the elders
of the party to beg me to stay on; a plea I would have graciously accepted.
But like the ungrateful son that you are,
you accepted my resignation. And now,
you have Tony Anenih occupying a
post that rightfully belongs to me. Your
unlimited ambition became clear to me when the National Chairman of
the party said he never does anything
without your approval. So you now see
yourself as the Leader of the party.
Never! See where it has got you now. A
number of governors have resigned from the party and taken APC. If you
don’t behave, another set will resign
and take aspirin. The PDP has lost its
majority in the House. There is talk of
impeachment; and you are no longer
sleeping at night. It serves you right. I fully intend to teach you a lesson you
will never forget. By the time I have
finished with you, you will run out of
the country and seek political asylum in
Equatorial Guinea. It is not surprising
that you have not been able to eradicate the scourge of
Boko Haram from Nigeria. You don’t
have military experience like I have.
Under my watch, Bola Ige, Marshal
Harry and others were surgically
removed from the scene. Similarly, I would have finished Boko Haram
within three months. I understand the
violence. I am fully cognizant of the
root, stem and branches of the
underlying causes. But I will not share
any of this with you as long as you refuse to make an unequivocal
statement that you will not pursue a
second-term. Unlike you, as president of
our great
country, I was dynamic and resourceful.
I exterminated trouble-makers from Odi and Zaki Biam. I spent $16 billion dollars
restoring NEPA to its enviable heights. I
committed 300 billion naira rebuilding
all the federal highways in the East
alone. I restored the country’s refineries.
I raised the price of petrol several times. I rigged the most amazing election in
the history of the country. I conducted
the first widely-accepted national
census. I could go on and on but my
secretary has to go home. In short, I
was the great president you can never be. So if you think a neophyte like you
can compete with me; think again!
Stop taking me for granted. You don’t
want to be in my bad books. I don’t
forgive my enemies. You will regret
this for the rest of your life. I will show you how much of a nuisance I can be. I
will embarrass you everywhere. I will
tell as many lies about you as I can. I
will write public letters to you every
week. I will copy the next one to the
Secretary-General of the United Nations. Never you forget: I dey kampe! Accept,
ungrateful Mr. President, the
assurances of my highest disapproval.
Baba the Baba. P.S. I shall be sharing the
contents of
this letter with all the newspaper houses in Nigeria and Ghana. I will also
be copying my very good friend
Governor Diepreye Alamieyeseigha by Olisax
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