POLICARP:And what the hell is your thump doing in my soup?
WAITER:oh, sorry i have a sore on my thumb,
POLICARP:go to the hospital then?
WAITER:i was there and the doctor says i must dip it in a hot substance sah!
POLICARP:(wondering), hot substance? why dont you insert your thumb into your anus then? it is even hotter there!
WAITER:but sah, it has been in my anus since morning!, i just removed it.policarp fainted!
Joke 2: A little boy was doing his maths homework.
He said to himself, "Two plus five, the son of a b!tch is seven.
Three plus six, the son of a b!tch is nine, "
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my maths homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in maths?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, the Son Of a b!tch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered,
"What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
Joke 3: One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man. "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "Oh, come along with me then."
"But sir, I have a wife with two children!" "Bring them along! And you, come with us too!" he said to the other man.
"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered.
"Bring them as well!" They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall."
Joke 4: A man went to church for the first time, so he reluctantly followed the service because he never believed that God existed, so after offering the church urshers brought up the
box of offering to the alter, and the pastor ordered every body to close their eyes, and as he was praying he was busy picking money from the offering box and
emptying it in his pocket, so he discovered that man who came for the first time was watchinghim.
So the pastor concluded his prayer by saying "Blessed are
those that see but do not speak". So the man replied "For they shall
have their share"
Joke 5: Three patients in a mental
institution prepare for an
examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years.
The doctor takes the three
patients to the top of a diving
board looking over a, n empty
swimming pool, and asks the
first patient to jump.
The first patient jumps head
first into the pool and breaks
both arms. Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs. The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump.
"Congratulations! You're a free
man. Just tell me why didn't
you jump?" asked the doctor.
To which the third patient
answered, "Well Doc, I can't
swim!"
Joke 6: A woman goes to london for a
2 week company training
session. her husband drives
her to the airport. she says:
"what would you like me to bring back for you?"he laughs and says: "A london preety girl"
Two weeks later the wife comes back.the husband says: "so, how was the trip and
where is my London girl?"she
says: "the trip was fine as
for the London girl, well i did all
i could. Now we'll have to wait
for 9 months to see if it is a
girl!"
Joke 7: At the height of a political
corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness.
"Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"
The witness stared out the
window, as though he hadn't
hear the question.
"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated. The witness still did not respond.
Finally, the judge leaned over
and said, "Sir, please answer the question."
"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."
Joke 8: PRESENTER: What's your contribution?
CALLER: There is this lady I wanted in my life shortly after my NYSC, but all my efforts proved abortive, she wouldn't pick my calls, she would laugh at me while passing by, for reasons best known to her! Five months later, I was able to get my apartment, get a new car, courtesy of a contract job I secured with a major oil company. Now, most of the missed calls I have are hers, barrage of SMS and all that. I am confused on what to do. Please help me out.
PRESENTER: Listen up! You pick up your phone now; give her a call, letting her know you'll be at her house in 2 hours. You take a cool shower; wear a nice outfit and an attention-catching perfume. When it’s exactly 2 hours, you call her and tell her that you'll be there in another 2 hours. When the 2 hours are now over, you now drive down to her house, get down from d car, walk to her house, knock on her door. Once she opens the door, with †ђξ sexiest smile you have got, stylishly look into her eyes, draw her slowly to yourself, take your mouth close to her ear and whisper "Thunder fire your head"
Joke 9: best way to ask a girl out
Cumakk : Hey Diva, howdy?
Gurl : Am ok n Ya?
Chumakk : Cool baby, am Chumakk mind if i call u Monalisa?
Gurl : Tnx Chumakk but am Jane.
Chumakk : Er Jane, i see u here, i see u there, are u multiple?
Gurl : lol, nay am Single
Chumakk : Single? Thatz gud, can i take u out?
Gurl : Sure! I'ld guess a Crunchies
Chumakk : What Crun. .c.h. .? Abeg come ova the nxt street my Mama operate an Akara shop, u can make urself comfortable there
Joke 10: Nurses dont laugh at their patientNurses aren't supposed to laugh,
'Of course I won't laugh, said the nurse. I'm a professional. In over
twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.'
'Okay then,' said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'man thingy' the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than the a AAA battery. Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing.
Ten minutes later she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her
composure.
'I am so sorry,' she said. 'I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?'
, 'It's swollen,' Fred replied.
She ran out of the room, =))=))
Joke 11: Boy:"Aunty, why was uncle lying on u last night?"
Aunty: "He was checking my Temperature."
Boy: "Did he get it right? I saw the Thermometer Leaking!"
Joke 12: Women Are The Best Vehicles In The World:
Two Beautiful Headlights in the front. A great Bumper in the back.
Self Lubricating when Hot, finger Touch Ignition.
Automatic Engine Oil Change Every month. Any type of Piston Fits.
Multiple Seating Styles & Adjustments.
Comes with Great Accessories.
Has Highest Mileage in 9 Months in just 5 ML.
That's why men are dying to get a ride...
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