all is well

One day while they were walking
past the hospital swimming pool,
Mary suddenly jumped in. She
sunk to the bottom and stayed
there Jim promptly jumped in to
save her. He swam to the bottom
and pulled Mary out. When the
medical director became aware
of Jim's heroic act He
immediately ordered him to be
discharged from the hospital, as
he now considered him to be
mentally stable. he went to tell
Jim the news. "Jim, I have good
new and bad news.
The good news is you're being
discharged because since you
were able to jump in and save
the life of another patient, I think
you've regained your senses. The
bad news is, Mary, the patient
you saved, hung herself with her
dressing gown belt in the
bathroom. I am so sorry, but
she's dead." Jim replied, "She
didn't hang herself, I put her
there to dry,....OMG

It was the first day of the session and a
new direct entry student, Mensah, a Ghanian,
joined the class in one of Nigeria's universities.The
Lecturer said, "let's begin by reviewing some
Nigerian history."The Lecturer asked who said, "I
shall return to die in the land of my fathers?"She
saw a sea of blank faces,except for Mensah, who
had his hand up.Mensah replied: "King Jaja
ofOpobo, 1875""very good!" said lecturer.
Then she asked again, who said, "The land use act
will feed the nation?"Again, no response except
from Mensah: "Obasanjo, 1976."The Lecturer
snapped at the class; "class, you should be
ashamed. Mensah, who is new to our Country,
knows more about its history than you do."
The Lecturer heard a loud whisper: "Ghana must
go" "who said that?" she demanded, Mensah put
his hand up, "Buhari 1984." At that point, a student
in the back scornfully said; "Hmmm, you think you
are smart?" The Lecturer glared and asked; "All
right! Now, who said that?" Again, Mensah said,
"Babangida to Abiola, 1992." Now furious, another
student yelled; "Oh yeah! Eat this!" Mensah jumped
out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to
the Lecturer, "Indian mistress giving an apple to
Abacha, 1992"
Now, with almost mob hyseria, someone said;
"You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."
Mensah frantically yelled at the at the top of his
voice; "Chris Uba to Ngige, 2004!"
The Lecturer fainted, and as the class gathered
around her on the floor, someone said; "Oh shit,
we're in Big trouble now!" Mensah whispered;
"Chimaroke Nnamani, Ayodele Fayose and Lucky
Igbinedon 2007" Someone angrily said; "Dont
answer him, he is a fool"Mensah smiled & replied;
"Obansanjo to IBB, 2011"

He's not going to show his face because he myt go out without being known wth hs mask off.

A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Lexus in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along too close to the curb and completely tore off the driver's door.

Fortunately, a cop in a po...lice car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Lexus, his lights flashing.

But, before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically about how his Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It got ripped off when the truck hit you!!!"

"OH, MY GOD!" screamed the lawyer.

"My Rolex!

thanks y'all for your contribution, but sincerely speaking it really difficult to let go. I've tried so many times but i find myself falling back 2 her............this is realy not it at all, if i dont call her for about 4 days all she'll do is 2 flash and i do recharge her phone every week via mine.?

i have a gal i really do love, i do show her the max love a guy can give, i care, appreciate, respect her.
i do call and text her every day, before she do reply my calls and sms but for over 8 months now she wont reply any of ma calls or sms and she claims she loves me. now she's complaining dat I'm not challenging. please people what can i do in this situation? i love her and i dont wanna lose her. how can i be challenging? thanks

A girl asks her boyfriend, to come over Friday
night and have dinner with her parents. Since
this is such a big event, the girl announced to
her boyfriend that after dinner, she would
like to go out and make love for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had
sex before, so he takes a trip to the
pharmacist to get some condoms. The
pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.
He tells the boy everything there is to know
about condoms and sex. At the counter, the
pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms
he'd like to buy: a 3-pack, 10-pack, or a family
pack. "I'm really going to give it to this girl,"
the boy tells the pharmacist. "I intend to go
for hours and hours." The pharmacist, with a
laugh, suggests the family pack, saying the
boy will be rather busy, it being his first time
and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girls
parents house and meet his girlfriend at the
door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my
parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and
is taken to the dinner table where the girl's
parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to
say grace and bows his head. A minute
passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer
with his head down. 10 minutes passes and
still no movement from the boy. Finally, after
20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend
finally leans over and whispers to the
boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this
religious. " The boy turns, and whispers back,
"I had no idea your father was a
pharmacist!!"

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing. Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to... tell his mother excitedly. "MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND...." Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story. So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy...." At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight." At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, "Then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

Three men were having a chat about d solar system, n d 1st one(an American) said; we were d first 2 get 2 d moon, d 2nd guy(a Cuban) said we were d 4th 2 get 2 Jupiter, n d 3rd guy(a Mexican) feeling depressed about wat dis other countries could do n knowin his country could neva go anywhere above d clouds, said; in ma country, we were d first 2 get 2 d sun. D 1st guy looking astounded said; u can neva get 2 d sun d temp is above 5,000 degrees. D Mexican replied (with a Mexican intonation); U AMERICANS THINK WE MEXICANS R STUPID EIY, WE GO TO D SUN IN D NIGHT

An innocent 5 year old girl was asked to pray during their pastor's visit to
their home, Her prayer went....
 "Dear God, this hammathan season, please send
clothes to all those poor naked ladies in Daddy's Cell phone and those that come
visiting almost naked whenever mummy travels, & build house and put bed to
the homeless men who come to sleep with mum when dad is at work"

A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a veterinarian for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

The guy doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will instead lay down and wallow in the grass when they are pregnant.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means HE has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again.

He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed. The next morning he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around.

One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are laying in the grass.

"No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn.

THINGS WE'VE LEARNT FROM NOLLYWOOD
>
> 1. Every problem you have is spiritual.
>
> 2. In every romance movie, someone must die.
>
> 3. It is possible to hit a person without actually touching them!
>
> 4. Anyone who gets hit by a car dies immediately.
>
> 5. Poisoned food always tastes better.
>
> 6. The best way to make money is by visiting a 'Babalawo' / joining a
> cult / sleeping with rich men.
>
> 7. One of a pair of twins (identical or not) is born evil.
>
> 8. There is never an end to your suffering, except death!
>
> 9. With a pastor ... all things are possible.
>
> 10. A movie can be titled anything... such as:
>
> *The boy is mine,
> * Face me, I face you
> *Two rats,
> *Spanner,
> *Calculator,
> *Igala,
> *Ijele,
> *Igodo,
> *Igudu
> *Shigidi
>
> 11. A movie has not been made if at least one actor/actress
> has not 'shelled', twisted his/her lips to speak wrong phonetics'.
>
>
>
> 12. You are in love... you want to take your girl out, the
> best place you take her to is...
> *Mr. Biggs/Tantalizers: where you'll most probably see an
> ex while feeding each other.
> *The beach: where it is imperative that you ride a donkey
> and carry her playfully.
> *Or the best: take her to buy some new ugly clothes.
>
> 13. An Igbo movie has been made if:
>
> * You visit a Dibia (Babalawo)
> * A fleet of cars is shown off at regular intervals for a
> total of half of the movie time.
> * Kanayo 'O' Kanayo is in the movie. Pete Edochie is there
> too!
> * To get rich it is mandatory you join a cult

> 14. Gun shots and knock-outs sound the same!
>
> 15. Sometimes the title has absolutely nothing to do with
> the movie and other times, once you read the title and see the poster you know it all!!! (Also the soundtrack gives you a headache because it
> just narrates the whole story repeatedly - so much for suspense
> and intrigue!)
>

> 16. A love story has not been produced if it does not have
> one or two of the following actresses-
>
> * Stella Damascus
> * Stephanie Okereke
> * Genevieve Nnaji
> * Omotola Jalade
> * Rita Dominic
>
> 17. The police are extremely 'efficient' unlike their
> counterparts in real life.
>
> 18. An actress can wear the same hairdo for more than a
> year and even in longer flashbacks.
>
> 19. It is permissible to wear very dark shades at night!
>
> 20. When you are shot in the chest, it really doesn't
> matter; your head will be bandaged! Same for your legs!
>
> 21. When advertising a movie, you really should shout
> because... people are deaf?
>
> 22. When you are extremely poor, you will still be able to
> afford-a beautiful house, very good furniture, T.V., nice clothes,
> but you won't be able to send your kids to school.
>
> 23. Most especially in Yoruba movies, your gateman must be
> inefficient and comical. He MUST dress like a freak, be rude to all
> your visitors and never mind his business.
>
> 24. the bad guy always dies or gets caught by none other
> than the police- LOL!!!!
>
> 25. At the end of a three hour movie you'll be reminded
> that THIS IS JUST THE BEGINNING... WATCH OUT FOR PART 2!
>
> 26. An actor must also sweat profusely when crying.
>
> 27. An actor announces his death as he slowly dies- "You
> killed me" "I'm dying" "I'm dead"
>
> 28. In a case where a person is on his death bed, he/she
> must cough till they die.
>
> 29. Every ghost must wear a white cloth and have powder
> unevenly distributed on their face.
>
> 30. No matter the type of movie...TO GOD BE THE GLORY...

A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.

"Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.

He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.

"Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."

The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.

"You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.

"Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?"

"You left your wheelchair at the bar again."

A teacher asks her class if anyone could use the word 'indefinitely' in a sentence. Little Johnny raises his hand at the back of the class.

But the teacher knows he's a trouble maker and that he doesn't know the answer, so she calls on Jim.

Jim replies, "Due to the weather, school was canceled indefinitely."

"Good" the teacher replies. "What about you Jenny?"

Jenny says, "Since the bus broke down, transportation has been stopped indefinitely."

The teacher then says that the sentence was too much like the other one, and asks if anyone can use it in a different way. So there's Little Johnny waving his hand again. And the teacher thinks... (Maybe he really does know the answer), so she calls on him. Johnny stands up and says,

"As I felt my balls slap against her ass, I knew that I was in-definitely!

One day Little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if he could buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday. Little Johnny's father said, "Johnny, we have an $80,000 mortgage on the house, and you want me to buy you a bicycle? Wait until Christmas!"


Christmas came around, and Little Johnny asked again. The father said, "Well, the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry kiddo. Ask me again some other time."


Well, about 2 days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. The father felt sorry for him, and asked him why he was leaving.


Little Johnny said, "Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard you say that you were 'pulling out,' and mommy said that 'you should wait because she was coming, too....'

At the plane crash site, one lone survivor sat with his back against a tree, chewing on a bone. As he tossed the bone onto a huge pile of bones, he noticed the rescue team. "Thank Heavens!", he cried out in relief..... "I am saved!"

The rescue team did not move, as they were in shock, seeing the pile of human bones beside this lone survivor. Obviously he had eaten his comrades. The Survivor saw the horror in their faces and hung his own head in shame. "You can't judge me for this," he insisted. "I had to survive. Is it so wrong to want to live?"

The leader of the rescue team stepped forward, shaking his head in disbelief. "I won't judge you for doing what was necessary to survive, but Good Heavens, man, your plane only went down yesterday!"