The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was
alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his cheek. "I
assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason
for you to come waltzing in at six o'clock in the morning?"

"There is." he replied, "Breakfast."

Q: Why did the blonde resolve to have only three children?

A: Because she read that one child out of every four born was
Chinese.

How do we know that withches are women?

Because of their hollow weenies

The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was
alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his cheek. "I
assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason
for you to come waltzing in at six o'clock in the morning?"

"There is." he replied, "Breakfast."

The Wonder Girdle

This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping. At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity. They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home. That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they called the dog and showed off a little. The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks, as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't thought about "normal" tricks. Well, they said, "Let's try this out." Once more they called the dog, and they clearly pronounced the command, "Heel!" Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head.

Q: What does a blonde say after multiple orgasms?

  A: Way to go, team!

Q: What is the most useless thing on a Polish woman's body?

A: A Polish Man

Two orthodox Jews went to Pincus the tailor for new suits.

"Listen, Pincus," one said, "the last suits you made for us
were sort of gray. We need black suits, the darkest black cloth
that we can get."

"See this cloth?" Pincus said, fingering a bolt of fabric.
"This is the stuff they make nuns' habits from. There ain't
no blacker cloth."

A few weeks later, the two men were walking down the street
in their new suits when they passed two nuns. Impulsively,
one of the men went up to the nuns and matched his suit against
their habits. Becoming angry, he muttered something to his
friend and they both walked off.

"What did that man want?" one nun asked the other.

"I don't know," she replied, "He looked at my garment, said
something in Latin and left."

"Well, I know a little Latin. What did he say?"

"He said, 'Pincus Fuctus'.

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite sometime. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist.

Her doctor recommended that she go see Dr. Chang, the well known Chinese sex therapist. So she went to see him.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "Ok, take off all you crose."
The woman did as she was told.

"Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room."

The woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said, "Ok, now craw reery, reery fass back to me."

So she did. Dr. Chang slowly shook his head and said, "Your probrem vewy bad, you haf Ed Zachary Disease, worse case I ever see, dat why you not haf sex or dates"

Confused, the woman asked, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"

Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eyes and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass."

Q: How does every ethnic joke start?


A: By looking over your shoulder.

What do you get when you cross a Chinese person and a hooker? Someone who'll suck your laundry clean.

animated safe sex

A new guy in town  walks into a bar and notices a large jar filled to the brim with $10 bills. The man approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?"

"Well, you pay $10, and if you make my horse laugh and cry, then you get all the money."

The man said easy! He puts in his $10 and goes out back to the horse. The bartender/owner watches out the window as the man whispers into the horse's ear. The horse roars with laughter, rolling on the ground. Finally the horse stops laughing and stands back up. All of a sudden tears are streaming from the horse's eyes.

The man comes back in and collects the prize.

The bartender/owner asks "how in the world did you accomplish this?"

The man says "I simply told the horse my dick was bigger than his, then he started crying when I showed him.

This traces back to the 1860's (YES 1860'S)

BANG BANG LULU, LULU'S GONE AWAY
WHO' YA GONNA BANG BANG, NOW  THAT LULU'S GONE AWAY

LULU HAD A BOYFRIEND, DROVE A GARBAGE TRUCK
NEVER COLLECTED NO GARBAGE, CAUSE ALL HE DID WAS ----

BANG BANG LULU, LULU'S GONE AWAY
WHO' YA GONNA BANG BANG, NOW  THAT LULU'S GONE AWAY

SHE HAD ANOTHER BOYFRIEND, NAME WAS TOMMY TUCKER
TOOK HER IN THE GARDEN, TO SEE IF HE COULD ------

BANG BANG LULU, LULU'S GONE AWAY
WHO' YA GONNA BANG BANG, NOW  THAT LULU'S GONE AWAY

LULU HAD A BABY, NAMED HIM JUNGLE JIM
PUT HIM IN THE BASIN, TO SEE IF HE COULD SWIM
HE SWAM TO THE BOTTOM, CAME BACK ON TOP
LULU GOT EXCITED, PULLED HIM OUT BY HIS
COCKTAIL GINGER ALE, FIVE CENTS A GLASS
IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, YOU CAN THROW IT UP YOUR ---
ASK ME NO QUESTIONS, I'LL TELL YOU NO LIE
ASK ME AGAIN, AND I'LL SPIT RIGHT IN YOUR EYE
IKEY AND SPIKEY, LAYING IN THE DITCH
IKEY CALLED SPIKEY, A DIRTY SON OF A -----
BRING DOWN THE CHILDREN, LET THEM PLAY WITH STICKS
WHEN THEY GET A LITTLE OLDER, THEY'LL LEARN TO PLAY WITH
DICK HAD A COUSIN, MADE MY PRESSURE RISE ------
ALL SHE EVER WANT TO DO WAS ZOOM BETWEEN HER
HIGH UPON THE MOUNTAIN, SITTING ON THE GRASS
HER SKIRT WAS SO SHORT, IT SHOWED YOU ALL HER ---

 BANG BANG LULU, LULU'S GONE AWAY
WHO' YA GONNA BANG BANG, NOW  THAT LULU'S GONE AWAY

LULU HAD A ROOSTER, LULU HAD A DUCK
SHE PUT THEM IN THE BACK YARD, TO SEE IF THEY WOULD ----

BANG BANG LULU, LULU'S GONE AWAY
WHO' YA GONNA BANG BANG, NOW  THAT LULU'S GONE AWAYY

some use vaseline, some use lard, those who use axle grease get it twice as hard

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

  2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

  3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them
  all up there.

  4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

  5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature
  anyway.

  6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you
  can tell them apart.

  7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to
  make some woman miserable.

  8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the
  do-it-yourself types.

  9. Best way to get a man to do something - suggest they are too old
  for it.

  10. Love is blind - but marriage is a real eye-opener.

  11. If you want a committed man - look in a mental hospital.

  12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years.
  Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

  13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him
  checkbooks.

  14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him
  jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

  15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
What is that insensitive bit at the base of the penis called? The man.
What do you call a man with 99% of his brain missing? Castrated.
What's the difference between government bonds and men? Bonds mature.
What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phoned home.
Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women? When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.
What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.
What do a clitoris, an anniversary and a toilet have in common? Men always miss them.
Why are men like commercials? You can't believe a word they say.
Why are men like popcorn? They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Why are men like blenders? You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
Why do so many women fake orgasm? Because so many men fake foreplay.
Why are women so bad at mathematics? Because men keep telling them that this (make gap with thumb and forefinger) is 9 inches.
What's the difference between a bar and a clitoris? Most men have no trouble finding a bar.
What's a man's definition of a romantic evening? Sex.
What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner? When the power goes off.
What do men and women have in common? They both distrust men.
How can you tell the difference between men's real gifts and their guilt gifts? Guilt gifts are nicer.
What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man? His wife is good at picking out clothes.
How is a man like the weather? Nothing can be done to change either one.
What is the difference between a man and childbirth? One can be terribly painful and sometimes unbearable while the other is just having a baby.
What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single 40-year-old man? The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the 40-year-old man thinks often of dating them.
Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger, What do men dream of? Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.
What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date? Slow.
What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common? They're married.
What do most men think Mutual Orgasm is? An insurance company.
Why don't men often show their true feelings? Because they don’t have any.
Why do men have a hole in their penis? So oxygen can get to their brains.
A man's brain and a woman's brain were on sale at a local discount store. The woman's brain was cheaper. Why?  It had been used.   

The Most Venomous Snake In The World
NAME: "Expecteria Trouserius" (Trouser Snake)
LOCATION: Throughout the world
DESCRIPTION: One-Eyed, with mushroom-shaped head (other types come with extra layers of skin) Varying from pink to black. Fangless with a highly venomous spit. (Spit can reach distances up to 2-3 feet)
SIZE: Varies from 3-12 inches, depending on its mood and sub-species.
SYMPTOMS: This snake attacks mainly women in the lower front abdomen, resulting in an inconspicuous bump. Then a severe swelling followed by excruciating pain after nine months. The attack is not usually fatal.
BEWARE: It has been known to attack men in the rear lower abdomen!
HABITAT: Usually found in bedrooms, but has been known to appear in the most unusual places.
ANTIDOTE: Various types of vaccine available for women. However, once the venom is injected into the body only drastic measures will ensure complete recovery. There is no known antidote for men.
WHAT TO DO WHEN ATTACKED
TOURNIQUET: Do not apply a tourniquet as the venom is too deep in the body to be affected.
CUTTING THE WOUND: This would be completely unnecessary and ineffective as the bleeding will stop after a few weeks anyhow.
SUCKING THE WOUND: This method is the most popular with the victim, but so far has not been reported to have led to any success.
SEARCHING FOR ANTI-VENOM:
1. Place four fingers of the right hand around the reptile, with the thumb in the front.
2. Grip firmly and move the hand in an upwards and downwards motion.
3. This will result in the snake becoming highly aggressive, very rigid and start spitting.
4. The time taken for this milking process depends entirely on the milker and the last time the snake attacked.
5. Once milked, the snake should be harmless for about 20 minutes.
CONCLUSION: This snake, although it is very aggressive and active, not necessarily a vermin, and treated with the right respect, makes wonderful pet.

Chinese Waterskiing