A great hunter was conered and pinned to the ground by a huge LION.For about five minutes the lion was facing the sky without hurting the hunter,in joyful exclamation the hunter shouted"tank God i be the second DANIEL wey lion no go chop" The Lion replied in anger"common keep shut,before you chop for house you no dey pray?"

A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left.


A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and
asked,"How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours." The guy left.


A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour only."The guy left.



The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favor,
follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he
has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back".


A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?" Bill
looked up, tears in his eyes and said, "To your wife!!!!!!!!!!

A man was having his bath when suddenly his 5 years old son walked into the bathroom and saw his fathers d**k, astonished at it's size the following dialogue ensued:

son: dad, what is that between your legs?

dad: that is my lorry.

son: but it is bigger than my own!

dad: yes and that's because yours is a car.

son: but mum does not have a lorry nor a car?

dad: what she has is called the garage.

The following day after school.

son: mum, our teacher said cars and lorries are parked in garages?

mum: yes thats true

son: can i park my car in your garage?

A boy called chukwudi always went to the swimming pool to swim. One day his father warned him not to swim again. He went the next day and when his father asked him, he said it was the work of the devil. His father told him, "whenever the devil comes to u, tell him to get behind u." the next day, when his father came back, he saw him swimming again, he called him and asked why, he said "Satan came and i told him to get behind me, he got behind me and pushed me into the swimming pool then i started swimming again.
 
 
 

During a wedding reception; the groom was called upon to give his vote of thanks to his guests and this is what he came up with:
I want to first of all thank the Lord Almighty
for creating my wife and to also thank the pastor and his wife for lending us their wedding rings.
Special appreciation to my landlord who lent us his car.
I am most grateful to my boss for approving the loan I used for the wedding.
Big thanks to the committee of friends for the appeal fund they raised on my behalf.
Also to my brothers wife, thank you for lending us your wedding gown.
Am so grateful to the cake designer for the cake. I promised to return it tomorrow morning as agreed.
Special thanks to my friends who brought food from their homes to help me feed all. Please, for those who
were served food good luck and for those who didn't get any, well we will make it up to
you during our child's dedication( hopefully next year).
Very big thanks to my parents for bringing the village cultural band to supply the musics well as entertain us
all here, today.
Not forgetting the church marriage committee, thank you for persuading my wife to marry me.
Appreciation to the married men in the church for rushing me into this marriage.
The women are not left out, thanks a lot for teaching my wife how to dance.
To the youths thank you for sweeping and decorating this venue with palm frods.
I am also grateful to my teenage friends for helping with the Zobo drink.
Well, I wish you all safe journey and I pray you don't experience what I suffered for this wedding

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy." Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."

A man died and went to hell. At the gate fo hell he noticed that every country had its on hell, he then decided to check out the American hell. At the gate (American hell) he asked; what do they do here? He was told they put you on an electric chair for 6 hours, they lay you down on a bed of nails for another 6 hours and the American devil comes in and flog you for the rest of the day. He checked the German, British and Nigerian hell and found out they all give the same treatment. He saw a very long queue in front of the Nigerian hell and asked one of the guys struggling to get in; why the long queue.
He was told the electric chair does not work because there is hardly any power supply, the contractor that supplies the nails for the bed was paid but didnt supply the nails, so the bed is comfortable to sleep on and the Nigerian devil used to be a civil servant, he comes around in the morning to sign the attendance register and leaves for other business,    It pays to be naija

Something to  end your day,
 
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope roped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Dad"
With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you.
I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice-even with all her piercings, tattoos, and her tight Motorcycle clothes. But Its not only the passion dad, she's pregnant and Joan said that we will be very happy. Even though you don't care for her as she is so much older than I, she already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of
firewood for the whole winter. She wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too.

Joan taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with her friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your son,

John



PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer.
I love you!
Call when it is safe for me to come home.

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."

No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

"Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

A 90-year-old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?"

Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No." The doctor finished, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!" "That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."

"That's kind of what I'm getting at," replied the doctor.

 
       
 

 

 Good Comebacks



Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Perhaps. I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."

Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man: "So, want to go back to my place ?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man: "I'D like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."

Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."

Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do not Enter"

Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized !"

Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."

Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man: "If I could see you naked, I'D die happy:
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'D probably die laughing".

Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."

Man: "I'D go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."

Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?     ,guess u wont like to stay there

I was at a very rich friend's house, the maid
approached me and,

Question: what would you like to have, fruit juice,
soda, tea, chocolate, cappuccino, frapuccino or
coffee?

Answer: Tea please.

Question: ceylon tea, indian tea, herbal tea, bush
tea, honey bush tea, iced tea or green tea?

Answer: ceylon tea please

Question: how would you like it, black or white?

Answer: white

Question: milk or fresh cream?

Answer: with milk

Question: goat's milk or cow's milk?

Answer; with cow's milk please

Question: freezeland cow or afrikaner cow?

Answer: umm, think I'll just take it black

Question: would you like it with sweetner, sugar or
honey?

Answer: with sugar

Question: beet sugar or cane sugar?

Answer: cane sugar

Question: white, brown or yellow sugar?

Answer: forget about the tea, just give me a glass of
water instead

Question: mineral water, tap water or distilled water?

Answer: mineral water

Question: flavoured or non-flavoured?

Answer: I think I'll just die of thirst.


"The beauty of life does not depend on how happy you
are, but on how
happy others can be because of you."

About two weeks before Christmas, a little Catholic boy decided
to write a letter to Santa.  He started "Dear Santa, ", he
thought "No, I will go to a higher authority", so he decided to
write a letter to Jesus.

"Dear Jesus, If you get me a bike for Christmas, I will be good
for two weeks, "

"NO NO NO NO I can't be good for two weeks", he thought to
himself.

So he started all over again,

"Dear Jesus, If you get me a bike for Christmas I will be good
for one week."

"NO NO NO NO I can't be good for one week", he thought to
himself.

So he quickly ran to the Study room and grabbed their statue of
Mary, and quickly wrapped it up in a blanket.

He started all over again.

"Dear Jesus, I have your mother, if you ever want to see her
again, get me a bike for Christmas!"

there is a promo in heaven 4 all sinners,Die now and get to heaven straight without jugement.offer valid till 12 mid night pass this news to all sinners like u.

  Blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's going on?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing 9-1-1, his 4-year old son comes up and says; "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your clothes closet and he's got no clothes on!" The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor. "You IDIOT!!!" screams the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked and scaring the kids

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'D like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
 
 
 
 

Killer Confessions!!!!

Three pastors took a day off and decided to go fishing after a busy Sunday.

They agreed its so difficult preaching to people all the time and no one preaches to them.

Sitting by the river with little response from the hooks one pastor thought of sharing his heart with others.

He said " guys its rare to get such an opportunity to be among ourselves like this. It would be good if we look into our lives and help each other with our weaknesses". They all agreed to this.

This pastor said " Gentlemen I need help! The people in my church give a lot of money every week. I started taking little by little but now I take a big chunk. I can't stop stealing from the church please pray for me. The day they will find out I will be fired"! Another pastor said "brothers your sins are better than mine! I have slept with every woman in the church including married women. As I preach my eyes hover over the congregation looking for the next prey. If this is discovered people will not fire me, they will kill me!" The last pastor's feet were shaking as they were talking. They thought he had a big story to tell.

He stood up and said " My brothers my problem is gossip! I can't sit anymore. I have to share this! I will be back!

young girl was going on a date. Her grandmother said, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys." "He is going to try and kiss you, you are going to like that, but don't let him do that. He is going to try and feel your Bosom , you are going to like that but don't let him do that. But most important, he is going to try and get on top of you to have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family." With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date. The next day she told grandma that her date went just like she had predicted, "Grandma, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I just turned over, got on top of him, and disgraced HIS family, " Granny fainted! , 

Man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send a mail to his wife. However, he accidentally typed a wrong address, and without realizing he sent the mail. Meanwhile Somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her mail, expecting condolence messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted. The son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife,
Subject: I've reached. I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have Computers here, and we are allowed to send mails to loved ones. I've just reached and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival 2mrrow

A man wanted to prove to his friend how much of a mumu his son is,so he called Okon! go and check if am in the office ,hurriedly the son left and he came back to tell his father this:Papa when I got to your office I saw a man and I asked if you were around and he said no but papa I suspect he was lying.