The True Meaning of Life


   On the first day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixtyyears."


>The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty-five and I'll give back the other thirty-five."


>And God agreed.


>On the second day God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day bythedoor of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give you back the other ten."


>So God agreed (sigh).


>On the third day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty year life span." The monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. The dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too,okay?"


>And God agreed again.


>On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy life, enjoy. I'll give you twenty-five years" Man said, "What? Only twenty-five years! No way, man. Tell you what, I'll take my twenty-five, and the thirty-five the cow gave back, and the ten the dog gave back and the ten the monkey gave back, that makes eighty, okay?"


>"Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."


>So that is why the first twenty-five years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy life, and do nothing. For the next thirty-five years we slave in the sun to support our family;  for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.


>Life has now been explained.

I invited one guy called bro lagbaja come my church one sunday.after the message na him my pastor say "if u want to give ur life to christ please come out" this guy came out whole heartedly & gave his life to christ.you know all this pastors them wey dey look 4 members now.the next sunday as we come church na him my pastor say bro lagbaja come and lead us in praise and worship.bro lagbaja come dey confuse.as he hold the microphone na him my pastor say bro lagbaja i know u can do better than this.bro lagbaja come say yes pastor.me i come surprise because i never see uncle lala as we dey call am sing gospel music before.pastor come find trouble say start with any song.  o boyyy! na I'm uncle lala start oo,hmmmmmmm ,  u know song wey him sing  "THIS IS SUPER STORYYYYYYYYYYYYY A LIFE OF , "   abeg una fit help me complete am. as if that one no do, my pastor come say ok take another worship song uncle lala come sing "THIS NA TEMPTAaaaaaaaaaTION WITH A LITTLE CONFUSION, "
 

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were willing to try it out.  They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.

However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.  The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The
doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.

At this point, they decided to try for 50%. The   husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer   was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.  The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.
She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.

one day a yoruba man an igbo man and a calabar man went to the mountain to pray
the yourba man first prayed, baba gbo adura mi, bukun fun mi, , (amin)
a voice thundered from heaven my son i have heard you, i will bless u
the igbo man came up, and prayed chineke god, (amen)
a voice thundred from heaven my son i have blessed you
then the calabar man came up, idianpo nserempo inbi pere mo , essne(amin)
a voice thundered from heaven  HEEEEEENNNNNNNN
he repeated himself again
the voice thundered my son go and bring an interpreter before i can hear u
 

it all happenened when The queen of England, George bush and OBJ went for a summit in japan. They all were in the same jet conveying them to their respective counbtries when the pilot said "may day may day we are not touching down in any of your countries! please when u feel u are home, pick a parachute and buzz off" the pilot hung up.!!!!!!! after about 30 mins, the queen saw the Eiffel Tower in Paris and screamed " Gracious I am home, i ll ask charles and camilla to pick me up" and she flew out. soon Bush saw the statue of Liberty and he also jumped out leaving OBJ. For about  7 hours the plane kept moving and OBJ had no national monument to ID nigeria so as he was thinking of what to do, when he miistakingly stuck his hand out of the window and alas HIS WRIST WATCH WAS GONE then OBJ shouted
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! THIS MUST BE OSHODI" NO DOUBT then he flew out of the plane!!!!! poor him!
 
   
 

couple was arranging for their wedding, and asked the baker to inscribe the wedding cake with "1 John 4:18" which reads "There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear." The baker evidently lost the scripture reference, but working from memory, beautifully inscribed on the cake "John 4:18". Imagine the shock on the few faithful who looked up the reference to read: "For you have had five husbands, and the man you have now is not your husband." said Jesus to the woman of Samaria.

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer.

"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get
to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and
'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'D appreciate it if you'D just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to
that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says:

"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes."

The groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."

The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back, "She made
me a much better offer."

Stella died and went to heaven ,  As she stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, she saw a huge wall of clocks behind her. She asked, "What are all those clocks?" St Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move." "Oh," said Stella, "whose clock is that?" "That's Bishop Ajayi Crowther's. The hands have never moved, indicating that he never told a lie." "Incredible," said Stella. "And whose is that one?" St Peter responded, "That's Nnamdi Azikwe's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Zik told only two lies in his entire life." "Where's my husband Obasanjo's clock?" asked Stella. "Obasanjo's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan…

Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"
"No," said his mom, "Of course not."
Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!" 
 
 
 

One day, a guy was walking down the road when he suddenly saw shit in his front. He stopped right on his tracks and look at it and said "This looks like shit!" He then bent down to pick the shit up. He smelt it and said "This smells like shit!" He felt it in his hands and said "This feels like shit!". He then tasted it and said "This tastes like shit!"

Then he threw it away and said "Thank God say I no match am!"

A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of booze. Where upon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"   

The drunk answers, "Yes, I am."  So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.  He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?"   

The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."   

The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again but for a little longer this time.  He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?"   


The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."   


By this time, the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in the water again --- but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds. When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up. The preacher asked the drunk again, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"   



The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

There was a psychiatric hospital where mad men were being treated. One day, a doctor decided to take the four patient out for fresh air exercises because they where showing improvements.
When they got outside, he drew a door on a blackboard and told them they are free to go home. Out of the four of the mad men, 3 stood up and ran to the blackboard shouting "We are free, We are free" but one of them sat down and was looking at them.
The doctor then told an assisting health worker that he feels that the guy sitting down is getting more better than the others then he walked up to the patient sitting down and asked him to look at those mad men shouting " We are free, We are free " at the blackboard,
He then replied that "leave them alone, they don't know that the key to the door is with me"

So, who is the real mad man?

A new pastor was visiting the homes of his congregation. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door. When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10." Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked." 
 
 
 

There is this woman that is very humble, she has one pretty daughter named Nkechi, when ever she wants to go out, she callS her daughter, 'Nkechi please I am going out don’t go close to any boy o, dey are dangerous o , if dey see your paints, they will do you bad o,' that is how she do advice her every day, and Nkechi who was "omo mommie",always listens to her mom's instuctions, one day the mother went out to see a co-worker, Nkechi went to play hand ball with her friends, and she mistakenly placed the ball on a small orange tree, so her friends told her to go get it,since she was the one that played it there, surprisingly to Nkechi some boys were playing card under the tree, so Nkechi remembering her mom's instruction ran to the house and removed her pants so that no one will see it then she ran back to the tree to remove the ball, immediately she came down her lovely mum saw her and called her . "What did you just do?" Mummy they did not see my pants I remove it before climbing the tree!!!

A couple had two little boys, ages eight and ten, who were excessively mischievous. The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be assured that if any mischief occurred in their town their two young sons were in some way involved. The parents were at their wits end as to what to do about their Son's behavior.

The mother had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so she asked her husband if he thought they should send the boys to speak with the clergyman. The husband said, "We might as well. We need to do something before I really lose my temper!"

The clergyman agreed to speak with the boys, but asked to see them individually. The eight-year-old went to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?" The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face, "WHERE IS GOD?" At that, the boy bolted from the room and ran directly home slamming himself in his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and said,

"What happened?" The younger brother replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it!"

 A man after having sex with his house girl says too her,.ha! Nkechi U are so sweet. "she replied" Yes oga, gateman even talk am say I sweet pass Madam.

Life Paradox

What you dont get    -   LUV

What you get and you dont enjoy  -  MARRIAGE

What you enjoy but it is not permanent  -  GIRLFRIEND

What is permanent but is boring -  WIFE

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. CHIDI, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "chidi what is the matter?" CHIDI responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

Little Johnny greeted his mother at the door after she had been out of town all week and said, "Mommy, guess what?  Yesterday, I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and Daddy came into the room with the lady from next door and they got undressed and they got into bed and then Daddy got on top of her and -"

The mother held up her hand and said, "Not another word!  Wait until your father gets home and then I want you to tell him exactly what you've just told me."

The father comes home and the wife tells him that she's leaving
him.

"But why?" croaks the husband.

"Go ahead, Johnny, tell Daddy just what you told me."

"Well," said little Johnny, "I was playing in your closet and Daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and they got into bed and Daddy got on top of her and they did just what you
did, Mommy, with Uncle Bob.

If ladies were banks

The tall slim ones would be called --Skye bank;
The robust and spacious ones--Oceanic bank;
The ones that move from one relationship to another--Intercontinental bank;
The silent but dangerous ones --Firstinland bank;
Those who are not cute yet they love being heard-- Bank PHB;
Those who stick to one man--Fidelity bank;
Those who seem caring yet debit you massively for every affection--UBA;
Those who go to any extent to make you sad--Zenith bank;
Those who are old yet they don't realize they are no more in vogue--Union bank;
The brief and summarized ones--Micro Finance;
The huge ones that ''stand gidigba for ground'--Firstbank;
The beautiful, reserved and homely ones--Diamond Bank;
The ones that must spend their annual vacation abroad even when the husband is broke -- GTB