It was the first day of school in Marietta, Georgia, and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.

    The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"

    She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.

    "Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'"? Again, no response except from Suzuki. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863.", said Suzuki.

    The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do." he heard a loud whisper: "phyuk the Japs."

    "Who said that?" she demanded. Suzuki put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982." At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

    The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?" Again, Suzuki says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

    Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher: "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

    Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you." Suzuki frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001."

    The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're phyuked."

    Suzuki said, "The Taliban! 2001"

    A Nigerian guy was looking for a job overseas.
    He noticed there was an opening at the local zoo. Upon inquiry, he discovered the zoo had a very unusual position that they wanted to fill.

    Apparently their gorilla had died, and until they could get a new one, they needed someone to dress up in a gorilla suit and act like a gorilla for a few days. He was to just sit, eat, and sleep. Of course, his identity would be kept a secret, and no one would be the wiser, thanks to a very fine gorilla suit.

    The zoo offered good pay for this job, so the man decided to do it. He tried on the suit and sure enough, he looked just like a gorilla. They led him to the cage; he took a position at the back of the cage and pretended to sleep. But after a while, he got tired of sitting so he walked around a little bit, jumped up and down and tried a few gorilla noises.

    The people watching him seemed to really like that. When he would move or jump around, they would clap and cheer and throw him peanuts. And the man loved peanuts. So he jumped around some more and tried climbing a tree. That seemed to really get the crowd excited. They threw more peanuts. Playing to the crowd, he grabbed a vine and swung from one side of the cage to the other. The people loved it and threw more peanuts. “Wow! This is great,” he thought. He swung higher and the crowd grew bigger.

    He continued to swing on the vine, getting higher and higher and then all Last, all of a sudden, the vine broke! He swung up and out of the cage,
    landing in the lion’s cage that was next door. He panicked.

    There was a huge lion not twenty feet away, and it looked very hungry. So the man in the gorilla suit started jumping up and down, screaming and yelling, “Help, help! Get me out of here! I’m not really a gorilla! I’m a man in a gorilla suit! HELP!”

    The lion quickly pounced on the man, held him down and said, “NNAMDI NO FEAR NA ME CHIJIOKE be quiet! You’re going to make both of us lose our jobs” Be cheerful and let’s face this job squarely!!!!!!!!!!!!

    "Dear Grandson,

    The other day I went to a local Christian bookstore in Ikeja and saw a 'Honk If You Love Jesus' bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy after a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

    I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is and I didn't notice that the light had changed. I found that LOTS of people love Jesus. Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and when he leaned out of his window and screamed, "for the love of God, GO! GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus.

    Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love. I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked your teenage brother in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Northern Nigeria good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Northern Nigeria, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. Your brother burst out laughing, why even he was enjoying this religious experience.

    A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection.

    I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Northern Nigeria good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks in this Lagos City!

    Your Grandma"

    TEACHER: Why are you late?
    WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
    TEACHER: What sign
    WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
    _____________

    TEACHER: Lynda, why are you doing your math
    multiplication on the floor?
    CINDY: You told me to do it without using tables!
    _____________

    TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile?"
    JOHN: K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
    TEACHER: No, that's wrong
    JOHN: Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!
    _____________

    TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
    SARAH: H I J K L M N O!!
    TEACHER: What are you talking about?
    SARAH: Yesterday you said it's H to O!
    ______________

    TEACHER: George, go to the map and find South Africa.
    GEORGE: Here it is!
    TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered South Africa ?
    CLASS: George!
    ______________

    TEACHER: Willie, name one important thing we have
    today that we didn't have ten years ago.
    WILLIE: Me!
    ______________

    TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
    TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
    ______________

    TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I."
    ELLEN: I is...
    TEACHER: No, Ellen..... Always say, "I am."
    ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
    _____________

    TEACHER: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
    JOHNNY: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the
    same day, same time."
    _____________

    TEACHER: "George Washington not only chopped down
    his father's cherry tree, but also admitted doing
    it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
    JOHNNY: "Because George still had the ax in his hand."
    ______________

    TEACHER: Now, Sam, tell me frankly, do you say
    prayers before eating?
    SAM: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
    _______________

    TEACHER: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is
    exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
    DESMOND: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
    ______________

    TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on
    talking when people are no longer interested?
    PUPIL: (The whole class chorused ) ; A teacher

   

    A Nigerian business tycoon was at a social gathering where other moguls and wealthy men were present.

    The Ibo businessman looked for all ways to oppress the other rich men who were present at the gathering. Just for that foolish reason, he sent for his driver and had this conversation with him:
    Driver, go to my house, not the green one, the red one.
    Not the red one in Ikoyi, the red one in Victoria Island.
    Not the one in Adeola Odeku,
    the one on Etim Iyang Cresent. Not No. 22, but No. 11.
    You will see a black gate, fling it open.
    You will see a green Honda Civic.
    Perpendicularly, adjacently opposite to the Civic is a blue Toyota Carina E. It is not that one.
    Trigonometrically, geometrically, hypotenously 90 degrees to the 306 is a Mazda 929. It is not that one.

    The Madza is very close to a regular Benz, the regular Benz is behind a 406, the 406 is beside Volvo S40 which is in front of a Honda Accord blocking a Toyota RAV4 opposite a Honda CRV that makes a crescent to the Prado Jeep.

    On getting to the Prado Jeep, make a diagonal sharp turn to the left extreme right top corner, on your way to where I parked the M-Class. Very close to the E-Class in front of the Beast at the back of the swimming pool is a lovely S. Type Jaguar.
    Don’t touch the bonnet. Go to the boot, fling it open. You will see red, white and blue briefcases.
    The red one contains dollars,10 million dollars. Don’t touch it.
    The blue contains pounds, 8 million pounds. Don’t touch it.
    The white one contains Naira, 500s, 200s,100s,50s, 20s, 10s denominations.
    I arranged them in hierarchical order.
    500 Nairas in first layer,
    200 Nairas in second,
    100 Nairas 3rd layer,
    50 Nairas 4th layer,
    20 Nairas 5th
    and 10 Nairas top floor.

    Take one 10 Naira. Go and use it to buy pure water, and don’t forget to bring my change

    Late in 1994, an 87 year old man passed on in a village close to Amai, Kwale, Delta State . The late man's grand son, Ufiaka (26 years old and fairly educated), was given some money and asked to travel to Agbor to buy a fine casket for his grand pa's burial. Ufiaka left base early and arrived Agbor in good time to purchase the casket and make the return journey same day..
    He was fortunate to get an open back white coloured Peugeot 404 pickup heading for Amai. He, however, had to ride in the back of the pickup with the casket because two market women travelling to Amai were already seated in front with the driver.

    On the home journey, they ran into a heavy rain storm close to Uronigbe and Ufiaka quickly opened the casket, lay himself nicely in the well padded interior, covered the lid and used the folded newspaper he had with him to leave a small opening between the lid and the main body of the white casket to ensure adequate ventilation.
    The interior of the casket was very comfortable and Ufiaka soon fell into a very deep sleep.
    The rain had subsided at the time the pickup van arrived at Umutu and during a brief stop there, two men travelling to Amai boarded the vehicle at the back and the same happened at Ubiaruku where a man and a woman travelling also to Amai entered the vehicle. All this while, Ufiaka was enjoying his beauty sleep inside the Casket completely unaware of the new passengers who boarded at Umutu and Ubiaruku.

    The pickup van arrived Amai just after 5p.m. and the driver, who was now very hungry, stopped in front of a busy bukataria to have a quick bite before proceeding onto the next village.

    The sudden stoppage and revving of the pickup's engine woke Ufiaka who then opened the lid of the casket and rose up.

    Trouble come start!
    The passengers in the back of the pickup jumped out of the vehicle from various points and took to their heels in various directions.
    The people eating in the buka (including the mama-put and her service girls) who saw the white casket open, and a "ghost" step out, ran off all over the place some with balls of eba and akpu in their hands.

    Ufiaka, seeing people running 'helta skelta' was convinced that armed robbers were operating and decided to take-off in the direction three of the passengers, including the woman, were running. When the three passengers realised that Ufiaka was running towards them, they increased their speed and shouted "ghost! ghost!" and, to further worsen the situation, Ufiaka was dressed in white up and down with white shoes to match that day.
    With the shouting of 'ghost', other people in their homes came out to see what was going on and on seeing people running at high speed all over, they joined in the race for their dear life and the number just swelled.
    The driver and the two market women were the only people who knew what was going on and they had a hell of a time calming the people down and explaining that ... he merely needed shelter, while it was raining