The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."

"Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.

"She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh......equipment?"

"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

"Tripod??", Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam?..... Good Lord, she's fainted!!"


14_Inches_Long

Well,
It is very funny that all pals especially male do not understand this aggreement. If you read veru well you would see that it absolves you from any responsibility of any sort after the action.

All men need this to protect them  against any future would-be-Monical Lewinsky. Let her sign and use the holy water to stamp it but make sure you pay the agreed stamp duty otherwise, yawa go gas at the end of the TO-ME-TO-YOU !!!!

I have your love in mind !!!!

14_Inches_Long

Emmy,
the ding -IN and dong -OUT is easier than an ice cream horn. It sound FOKUN, FOKUN FOKUN FOKUN and ver fast. So the man lost his life while following the rythm of the ice cream horn instaed of the gentle and slow rythm of the church bell!!


14_Inches...

Anybodi wey know this girl make u warn am o. if she faints no be my fault. As I dey look am she no gey body to take this lond thingy.

Your GP must be aware before I can conduct the interview and NHS ambulance must be on standbye.

If I kill person, my name go enter guiness book fo record as the first person to f**K someone to death, it has never happened before. So that is good also..


14_Inches_long

Iphie,  my guy,
More F**K to ur d**K. You are my pal. How you dey now, but I want to ask you before I confirm ur appointment, are you straight or gay !!!!!

I fear for my life. This question is very important. By the way, you look like gay, so confirm ur segxwal status.

To all of u on this forum, my I live and never stumble...

14_inches.

George W. Bush was out jogging one morning when he tripped, fell over a bridge railing and landed in the creek below.

Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, "I sure would like to go to Disneyland." George said, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One."

The second kid said, "I really need a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's." George said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!"

The third (Osama Bin Laden's son) kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!!" George Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like you are injured."

The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!"

14_Inches_long

Second Opinion
A doctor and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house. After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and calls home.

She comes to the phone after many rings and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?"

She says, "I was in bed."

"In bed this early, doing what?" Shouts the doctor.

"Getting a second opinion!"


14_Inches_Long
 

Professor Of Dirty Jokes
 
There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke. After one particularly nasty example, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started. The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said, “Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of wh*res (prostitute) in India?” With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door about to leave the class.

 “Wait, ladies,” cried the professor, “The boat doesn't leave until tomorrow!”  All ashamed, went back into the class and took their seats !!!!!!!

Money Talks!
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer:

"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I'm supposed to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that out."

He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom's vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said: "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes," then leaned toward the pastor and hissed: "I thought we had a deal."

The pastor put a $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispered: "She made me a better offer."
 

14_Inches_Long....

Why God Created Man segxwality
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God.

"Lord, I have a problem!" "What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know you created me and all of this beautiful garden and all of these amazing animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above. "Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"What's a man, Lord?" "Man will be a flawed creature, with many wreteched traits. He'll lie, cheat and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time.

But... he'll be bigger, stronger, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll make him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs.

He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly."

"Sounds wonderful!" says Eve, " but what's the catch, Lord?"

Well... you can have him on one condition."

"What's that, Lord?" "As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring... So you'll have to let him believe

 that I made him first. That will make him happier a bit, Just remember, it's our little secret... You know, woman to woman."

14_Inches_Long

SEX CONTRACT

I, _______________________, hereby surrender all possibilities of friendship, commitment, marriage, guilt-trips and near-pregnancies in exchange for one (1) night of USDA approved fondling and fornication.

I will not return to the scene of said activities, nor call, write or otherwise contact/harass or vex said co-signer of contract for a time of no less than thirty (30) days and nights after said activities have been fulfilled.

I also surrender all rights to propagate rumors, misnomers and dirty looks in the cafeteria from myself and friends, and will treat said co-signer with all the respect due a stranger.

I will say "hi" if we pass within ten (10) meters in a friendly, if not neutral, tone.

I will also upon completion of heretofore listed activities not leave underwear, earrings or other insignificant yet oh-so-valuable knick-knacks lying about or hidden somewhere in the co-signer's abode for the sole purpose of returning to said abode and breaking the no-contact agreement of this document.

I furthermore state that I am of sound mind and desirable body, and will not call said co-signer by any other name than is his or her own, nor reminisce on some former slime-ball/great lover who wore the same cologne, roll-on, boxer shorts or robe.

I will also pay one-half of all laundry fees as needed after prescribed activity.

Signed,

_____________________________________
Fornicator At Large 

14_Inches_Long

Only three doors
An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!" 

A guy who was in the Air Force had just spent a year tour unaccompanied to Shemya, Alaska. The first night he got home, he exclaimed to his wife, "Honey, I want you to know that I haven't wasted all this time alone. Instead, I've mastered the art of mind over matter. Just watch this!"


And with that he dropped his trousers and shorts and stood before her in his altogether.


"Now watch," he said. Next he said, "Dick, ten-HUT!"

And with that, his dick sprang to full erection. Then he said, "Dick, at EASE!"

And his dick deflated again.

"Wow, that was amazing," said his wife. "Do you mind if I bring our next-door neighbor over to see this? It's really something else!"

The guy responded that he didn't mind at all, since he was proud of what he had accomplished. So the wife goes next door and comes back with a delicious looking woman who got this guy's full attention! After a brief pause to take her in, he said, "Now watch this." Then he said "Dick, ten-HUT!"

And the dick sprang to life. Then it was "Dick, at EASE!"


But nothing happened. So the guy again said, "Dick, at EASE!"

But still nothing happened. So the guy now says,"For the last time, you son-of-a-bitch, I said AT EASE!!"

Still nothing. Well, the guy was embarassed and ran off to the bathroom. His wife made excuses for him and then joined her husband in the bathroom, where she found him cutting off his willie !!!!.

"What in the world are you doing?" she asked.

The guy says, "I'm givin' this son-of-a-bitch a dishonorable discharge!" for disgracing me in public.

14_Inches_Long.
 

 
Element Name: MAN

Symbol: XY

Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50)

Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.

Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (Element: Child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by dousing with alcohol.

Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.

Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

---------------------------

Element Name: WOMAN

Symbol: WO

Atomic Weight: (don't even go there!)

Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.

Chemical properties: Very active. Often unstable. Possesses strong affinity for gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

14_Inches...

I hope you remember to use VASELINE for him. He is too cute to start using PAMPER or napkin.


TOKKS poor guy, I hope you had fun with your boyfriend !!!


14_Inches...

If I am in the position of the old poor lady, I would the guy and kill myself too, what an insult upon injury to serve as lesson to others that would want to try that to anoda person !!!!!


14_Inches

TOKKSS,

how you dey now??? Long time no talk. You don go sabatical leave be that ? Abeg, I miss you here.

14_Inches...

No woman born of man has ever disgraced my family. That is why I always dey on top of them. That family is very important to me!!!!!!

The day I allow them to dey on top of me, the family will dis-own me be that. You go accept me for your family ??


14_Inches.

Am sure you all agree with me that this guy got what he deserved.

How can you do that to an old woman who has not been milked for a long time !!!!!!

Too too bad.  The judge supposed to sentenced his dead body to life imprisionment as well !!!!!


14_Inches.

For your information,

I once wet my pant like this poor boy. It was a day that my girl friend doesn't visit. I had planted a small boy in front of the house to stay in position in case she tried to surface unannounced, but unfortunately, the boy left his duty post and my girlfriend true to prediction and assumption surfaced when I was descending from Kilimanjaro hill, I was in the seventh heaven when I heard someone trying to open my door (she had her own spare key). My JT went dead instantly, I jumped out of bed and a hot weee came from nowhere. Thank goodness, the lady hid herself under the bed.

Hot sweat came rushing down my face, I thought the don has been caught at last.. but fortunately for me, she did not stay for long.

Someone had told her that I was milking a cow !!!!!

She then smiled and said she would believed me henceforth that she was misled to believe that I was cheating het. I will never forget that day. It was when men were still boys anyway....

I am now a retired but not tired playboy...


14_Inches..