PIE LIE
A university student delivers a pizza to an old man's house. "I suppose you want a tip?" says the old man.
"That would be great," says the student, "but the other guy who does deliveries told me not to expect too much – he said if I got 50p, I'd be lucky."
The old man looks hurt. "Well, to prove him wrong, here's £5. What are you studying?"
"Applied psychology," replies the student.

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THE LANGUAGE BARRIER
A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant and notices that the three Japanese businessmen seated there are furiously masturbating.
“What the hell do you think you are doing?” she says.
One of the Japanese men replies: “We are all very hungry.”
The waitress asks, “So how is jerking off in this restaurant going to help the situation?”
A second businessman replies, “Because menu say, FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED.”

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A Riddle for the Day


Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one.

Michael J. Fox has a small one.

Madonna doesn't have one.

The Pope has one but doesn't use it.

Clinton uses his all the time.

Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.

Liberace never used his on women.

Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.

Cher claims that she took on 3.

We never saw Lucy use Desi's.

What is it?

WRITE THE ANSWER AND SEND IT TO [email protected]

If you get 10 answers correct out of 15, then you would win a price.

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"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."

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Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, “I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?”
Who was the first person to say “See that chicken there….I’m gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it’s butt.”
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don’t point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs!
What do you call male ballerinas?
Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Isn’t Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it’s outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it’s in your ass?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he can’t wait to stick his head out the window into the wind?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?


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One Liner!
 
What gets longer when pulled, fits between Bosom s, inserts neatly in a hole, and works best when jerked?

Seatbelt!

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I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. In my script it clearly said: "Enter Juliette from the rear."

Spending Money in the USA
Here is an interesting comment on the current recession in USA:
Dr. Marc Faber concluded his monthly bulletin (June 2008) with the Following:
'The federal government is sending each of us a $600 Rebate.
If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, the money goes to China.
If we spend It on gasoline, it goes to the Arabs.
If we buy a computer, it will go to India.
If we purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala.
If we purchase a good car it will go to Germany.
If we Purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan and none of it will help the American economy.
The only way to keep that money here at home is to spend it on prostitutes and beer, since these are the only products still produced in the US !!!


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A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
'Mom' , he asked , 'Are these my brains?'
'Not yet , ' she replied.

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Smith climbs to the top of  Mt.  Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord... 'God, what does a million years mean to you?'
The Lord replies, 'A minute.'
Smith asks, 'And what does a million pounds mean to you?' The Lord replies, 'A penny.'   
 'Smith asks, 'Can I have a penny?'
'The Lord replies, 'In a minute.'

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THE EMPTY SEAT
Harry has tickets for the World Cup final. As he sits watching the game, a man comes over and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No," says Harry. "That seat is empty."

"That's incredible," says the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the World Cup final and not use it?"

"Well, my wife was supposed to be here with me, but she passed away," replies Harry.

"I'm sorry to hear that," says the man. "But couldn't you find a friend or relative to take the seat?"

Harry shakes his head: "No, they're all at the funeral."

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A BLONDE WITH TWO BURNT EARS
A blonde with two burnt ears goes to the doctor, who asks what has happened.
"The phone rang, and I accidentally picked up the iron."
"What about the other one?"
"They called back."


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WEIGHTY ISSUE
Q: Why do married women weigh more than single women?



A: Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.


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BACON BUST
Two Mexicans have been lost in the desert for weeks. At death's door, they see a tree in the distance. As they get nearer, they see that it's draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon: smoked bacon; crispy bacon; life-giving, nearly raw, juicy bacon… all sorts of bacon.
"Hey, Pepe," says the first Mexican, "ees a bacon tree! We're saved!"
So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree. As he gets to within five feet, he's gunned down in a hail of bullets. His friend drops down on the sand and calls across to the dying Pepe. "Pepe! Pepe! Que pasa hombre?"
With his last breath, Pepe calls out, "Ugh, run, amigo, run, ees not a bacon tree, ees a ham bush."


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SQUEEZE 'EM IN
Question: How many people can you fit in a Honda?
Answer: Well, the Bible said that all 12 disciples were in one ACCORD !!!!!



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Toks my dear, I have the attachment already for you. You be better pal, leave all those people wey wan crusify me, na jealousy dey worry them like Shina Peter don talk am for hin record. Go Adult 18+ section and let me hear your view about it.


I nominate you as my best PAL of the YEAR!!!!

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THE BABY AND THE BUS DRIVER
A woman gets on a bus holding a baby and the bus driver says, “That’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen.”

In a huff the woman slams her fare down and takes an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her senses that she is agitated and asks her what is wrong.

“The bus driver insulted me,” she fumes.

The man sympathises and says, “Why, he’s a public servant and shouldn’t say things to insult passengers.”

“You’re right,” she says, “ I think I’ll go back and give him a piece of my mind.”

“That’s a good idea,” says the man, “here, let me hold your monkey."

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SURPRISING NEWS
An elderly man and his wife are taking a stroll through the country when they spy a fence where they used to conduct their courting.
Excited by this, they make love furiously, with their arms and legs waving about everywhere.
When they are finished, the woman says, surprised, "You never had sex with me like that 50 years ago", to which the man replies "Well, that fence wasn't electric 50 years ago."

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MAGIC IN THE BEDROOM
After many years of married life, a man finds that he is unable to perform his duties as a husband between the sheets. He goes to his doctor, tries a few things, but nothing works.
"It's all in your mind," says the doctor, and refers him to a psychiatrist.
After a few visits, the shrink confesses: "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured." The psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor.
The witch doctor says: "I can cure this."
He throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. "This is powerful healing, but you can use it once a year," says the witch doctor.
"All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
The guy then asks the witch doctor: "What happens when it's over?"
The witch doctor says: "All you or your partner has to say is '1234' and it will go down. But be warned; after that it will not work again for a year!"
The guy goes home, and that night he is so excited and anxious to surprise his wife. They get into bed and he says: "123," and just like magic he gets an erection.
His wife rolls over and asks: "What did you say '123' for?" and that was it, the poor old thingy just went down never to rise again untill another year!!!!


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HER BODY'S A TEMPLE
Patrick O'Malley hoisted his beer and said: "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!" - and he took home the top prize for the best toast of the night.
In bed later that night, he told his wife: "Mary, I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, Paddy, what was your toast?"
So he told her: "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh," she said, "that is very nice, dear."
The next day, Mary ran into one of Paddy's drinking partners in the street. Mischievously, the man said: "Did you hear about your husband winning a prize in the pub the other night for a toast about you, Mary?"
She replied: "Aye - and I was a bit surprised. Till now, he's only been down there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come".

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