Beautiful?
A lawyer was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side.
A couple of minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute!" Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of "beautiful," it was "cute." She asked, "What happened to 'beautiful'?" His reply was "The drugs are wearing off!"
Delivery Coincidences
Four expectant fathers pace in a hospital waiting room while their wives are in labor. The nurse enters and tells the first man, "Congratulations, you're the father of twins."
"What a coincidence," the man says. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."
A little later, the nurse returns and tells the second man, "You are the father of triplets."
"That's really an incredible coincidence," he answers. "I work for the 3M Corporation."
An hour later, the nurse tells the third man that his wife has just given birth to quadruplets.
The man says, "I don't believe it! I work for the Four Seasons. What a coincidence!"
After hearing this, everyone's attention turns to the fourth guy, who has just fainted. He slowly regains consciousness and whispers, "I should have never taken that job at Millennium Computers."
Dentist
A lady walked into a dentist's office, took off all her clothes, and spread her legs. The dentist said, ''I think you have the wrong room.''
''You put in my husband's teeth last week," the lady said. "Now you have to remove them."
The Key to Heaven
Mother Superior called a young novice into her office one evening. ''Now dear, I want you to give the Father his nightly bath. You are to do as he tells you and be sure to report to me in the morning,'' she said. The novice agreed to do as she was told and went to prepare the Father's bath. Doing as she was told, the novice washed the Father's hair and back. While she was doing this the Father told the novice that he had the key to heaven. The Father told her that if his key to heaven fit her gate, she would be saved.
The next morning the novice entered Mother Superior's office.
''So how did it go last night dear? He didn't try anything on you, did he?'' she asked.
''Oh, Mother, it was wonderful! I did exactly as you told me to and when I was giving him his bath he told me the HE has the KEY TO HEAVEN! I was amazed, and he went on to tell me that if his key fit my gate, I would be saved. And Mother, his key FIT my gate! And it was the most beautiful thing in the world!''
And the Mother said, ''Damn that man! He told me it was Gabriel's horn and I've been blowing it for 40 years!''
Heavenly Marital Help
Betty and Tim die in a car accident on the eve of their wedding. In Heaven, they ask St. Peter if they can still be married.
"Well, let me find out if this is possible. Stay here and I will be right back."
Six months pass and Peter returns. "Yes, we can do this for you."
The couple asks, "Well, as we have spent so much time together waiting for your answer, we need to know that if things don't work out, is there a possibility that we can be divorced?"
To which St. Peter answers, "It took me six months to find a priest up here -- how long do you think it will take me to find a lawyer?"
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