Chronicles Of A Lagos Ajebutter “I Am A Proud Lagos Illiterate”

I am an Ajebutter. Not by birth, or by formings, or by swag – I am simply an unapologetic Ajebutter by default. I didn’t choose to be born one. God, without seeking my opinion (because He’s God, I guess), gave me the genes of an Ajebutter and a funny Bri-Merican accent . By luck or some twisted work of fate, fortune, Karma (I might have killed ten defenseless puppies in my past life) or destiny, I have found myself in Lagos, crazy Lasgidi, and this is my story…
 
Lagos state is one of the most hyped cities in the world, and the reasons aren’t hard to see. Look around and you will see millions of people rushing with purpose and speed, like they are headed to heaven…or hell. I think it’s hell.

This densely populated city is known for a number of things, good and bad, which the world has played up and amplified to a level of no return with benefits and downsides. Take for example, investment. This city alone accounts for a huge amount of Nigeria’s GDP, and expenditure too. All the money we make in this city gets to go straight to Agberos, Omo N’ile (territorial Agberos), Owambes, and crazy bottles of Ciroc and Hennessy…and the toilet.

One other reason why Lagos is so hyped is the literacy level. We have an astounding amount of technocrats and intelligent people that if you drive around and search random people’s IQ, and education level, you will have enough science, knowledge and wisdom to cure Ebola and its younger sibling, HIV/AIDS.

You Missed This Topic Too, The Chronicles Of A Lagos Ajebutter “How Shoki Almost Ruined My Life” ..

But what those records fail to tell you is this; Lagos State, my dear darling Eko, has one of the highest number of illiterate people in an urban mega centre. And even as I battle to deal with them on a daily level, my latest encounter with them proved something to me and almost killed me: Lagos Illiterates Are Proud.

On Sunday, I was bored, so I took a drive down to Langbasa in Ajah, and while walking and taking photos, I stumbled upon a man by a dump site, trying to create a sign post. Turns out the powers that be find the refuse dump land lucrative, and had the bright idea of selling the rubbish at a good price. The first step to doing it will be to stop the dumping of refuse.
I walked past and greeted, and something caught me. His placard read- DONT DOMP REFUCE HERE ORDER BY LAN LORDS.Taboo!

I being the busybody and English writer that I am, decided to lend a helping hand and point out the obvious flaws in his use of English.
“Bros How Far”,I began, arranging a long speech about getting your spellings right and communicating the good way.“Your spellings on that notice, they are incorrect”.
He just kept silent and stared at me, while I launched into my full speech. I gave him a 10-minute lecture about spellings and communication and how the correct spellings should be- Don’t Dump Refuse Here. Order By Landlord.

I was out of breath when I concluded, breathing heavily with passion, and the good weight of educating another person.
My student, looked at me all through the lecture. He never flinched or showed excitement nor disgust. All he did was basically listen and maintain a vacant stare.
“So what do you think?”I asked.“You should change it now before people start to see it. Don't fall your hand”.

“Ogbeni,”, he replied. “ As long as you understand say na wetin I dey talk be this, I no know wetin concern you”
“Who you be sef?” Wetin be your name? Why you dey form Americana dey talk plenty English wey full your mouth? See as you dey find my trouble? Dem tell you say I no follow go school? Oh, you look me finish, come dey try teach me English abi? No worry, I go show you.
With that he turned, and called out.
“Taye, Aliyu, come see gbege o,Yi ọmọkunrin ti wa ni wiwa fun mi wahala Yi ọmọkunrin ti wa ni wiwa fun mi wahala" (This boy is searching for my trouble)
Just then, two huge unkept, hungry-looking boys jumped out from a nearby house and began to advance menacingly.

A silent voice spoke slowly to me - Run, Starboy, Run.
I didn’t think twice. I simply obeyed. I sped off with as much speed as I could gather. Thankfully, they didn’t pursue me. I am too fat to be athletic, and if they commit as much as a half-pace in the chase, I’ll be a dead man.

That day I learnt a valuable lesson: Keep your book, in your head where it belongs, and your Americana to yourself. Don’t look for trouble with sabi sabi.

See you next week jare. Peace and good hustle.
'

Posted: at 15-10-2014 04:50 PM (10 years ago) | Newbie

i dont have time to read bullshit       

Posted: at 15-10-2014 06:03 PM (10 years ago) | Addicted Hero

Nxt tym u go dey ur lane or beta still cari ur grammar go queens college.

Posted: at 15-10-2014 06:15 PM (10 years ago) | Hero

 

Posted: at 15-10-2014 06:37 PM (10 years ago) | Hero

Hehehehe...nice write up.

---

Posted: at 15-10-2014 07:20 PM (10 years ago) | Gistmaniac

When he seized power, Buhari put Shagari, the
Northern head of state he overthrew, under house
arrest. But then he jailed Alex Ekwueme, the
Southern vice-president. You may well ask what
makes Shagari less culpable for the misdeeds of
the Second Republic than his number-two man.
The simple fact was that Buhari was Fulani as was
Shagari; but Ekwueme was Igbo.
IMPOLITIC WORDS
At the height of the Sharia debate during the
Obasanjo administration, Buhari declared that
Muslims should vote only for fellow Muslims. This
was politically suicidal for a man seeking national
office. He became an advocate for implementation
of Sharia all over Nigeria. He protested to the Oyo
State governor, in the context of a dispute between
Fulani herdsmen and indigenous farmers in the
state, that “your people are killing my people.” This
turned out to be unfounded and perhaps the
reverse.
His threats during the campaign for the 2011
elections incited widespread violence in the North
after he lost. His supporters went on a rampage;
looting and killing; in spite of the fact that, by all
accounts, the elections were adjudged the most free
and fair in the history of Nigeria’s current
democratic experiment. By the time the mayhem
had subsided, over 1000 people had been
slaughtered in cold blood and some 65,000
displaced.

Posted: at 15-10-2014 09:05 PM (10 years ago) | Gistmaniac

Apostle of hate you don't belong to the circle of real people. You deserved to be locked up in Owerri zoo (if there is one).

Posted: at 15-10-2014 09:56 PM (10 years ago) | Upcoming

Hmmm

Posted: at 16-10-2014 05:10 AM (10 years ago) | Gistmaniac

  hahahaha nice 1 next time u mind ur business

---

Posted: at 16-10-2014 05:14 PM (10 years ago) | Addicted Hero