New Rules For Employment

SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE: We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, Relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough.

YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with ''''A'''' will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin with ''''B'''' will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If you''''re unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees'''' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.

PAYCHECK GUIDE: The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees better understand their paychecks: Item Amount Gross pay N1,222.02 Income tax N244.40 Outgo tax N45.21 State tax N11.61 Interstate tax N61.10 County tax N6.11 City tax N12.22 Rural tax N4.44 Back tax N1.11 Front tax N1.16 Side tax N1.61 Up tax N1.08 Down tax N1.14 Tic-Tacs N1.98 Thumbtacks N3.93 Carpet tacks N0.98 Stadium tax N0.69 Flat tax N8.32 Surtax N2.23 Ma''''am tax N1.23 Corporate tax N2.60 Parking fee N5.00 F.I.C.A. N81.88 T.G.I.F. Fund N9.95 Life insurance N5.85 Health insurance N16.23 Dental insurance N4.50 Mental insurance N4.33 Disability N2.50 Ability N0.25 Liability N3.41 Coffee N6.85 Coffee Cups N66.51 Floor rental N16.85 Chair rental N0.32 Desk rental N4.32 Union dues N5.85 Union don''''ts N3.77 Cash advance N0.69 Cash retreats N121.35 Overtime N1.26 Undertime N54.83 Eastern time N9.00 Central time N8.00 Mountain time N7.00 Pacific time $6.00 Time Out N12.21 Oxygen N10.02 Water N16.54 Heat N51.42 Cool air N26.83 Hot air N20.00 Miscellaneous N113.29 Various N8.01 Sundry $12.09 ------- Net Take Home Pay N0.02

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations, or input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice week. The Management

Posted: at 23-01-2009 04:02 PM (15 years ago) | Newbie

na mind am


im think say na English Essay xzam we dey do here

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Posted: at 25-01-2009 01:17 AM (15 years ago) | Addicted Hero

So like Kido... always looking for the easy way out. Can't you read for once, do you always tell your teacher in school to summarise for you?

Na wa o! Show say you too go school na;summarise it for us.

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Posted: at 25-01-2009 11:45 AM (15 years ago) | Gistmaniac