With the recent disclosures from General David Petraeus, who resigned as head of the CIA after admitting to an extramarital affair with his biographer, stacked along side all the other recent political figures who have cheated on their spouse I’m asking the question, “What are men looking for when they cheat?”
Well, Based on my own life and the conversations I’ve had with other men including my male clients, I’ve assembled the top five things men are looking for when they decide to enter into an extramarital affair – unconsciously looking for in many cases. It’s really not just about the sex!
1. Emotional connection
As relationships mature, power struggles tend to become more prevalent (as obvious as the “I’m Right”/”No, I’m Right” conversation and as subtle as the timing and frequency of sex). When a man experiences repeated power struggles with his spouse, his natural tendency is to “go to his cave”, which really means get quiet and distant and grumpy! Which makes emotional connection that much more difficult. Over time he misses the emotional connection he previously felt with his spouse. When he meets someone new and they accept him for “who he is” it’s much easier for him to connect with his emotions and feel connection with this new and interesting person. Of course when the lust and honeymoon period are over and the power struggles start to arise in the new relationship he’ll likely revert to his well-learned pattern and his struggles will start all over again.
2. Appreciation
Men loved to be appreciated and like so many people they don’t really know how to accept appreciation! Or how to ask for it or even how to give it to themselves (or to other people for that matter). So when it stops being quite so plentiful from their spouse and if the relationship contains a heavy dose of blame and criticism (as most do) or even possibly contempt, men start looking for positive affirmations from others. With the new love interest everything is wonderful – he is wonderful – in the first flush of a new relationship – then we all tend to fall into upping criticism and dropping appreciation.
3. Intimacy
Men want a partner who will listen, who will volunteer information about their own lives and discoveries and someone who smiles and excitedly shares their hopes and dreams. Of course, men don’t generally know how to communicate this. In their existing relationship the tendency is to think, “We’re married, I know everything about you …”. In their new relationship everything is new and exciting and learning about the new partner is initially easy and the feeling of intimate connection is created.
4. Feeling Wanted
Everyone wants to feel wanted regardless of age, gender or occupation. Men are no different. And men tend to be socialized to provide security and strength as an expectation, rather than something to be appreciated for. As life moves along a man can often feel like his contribution is taken for granted and who he is, as opposed to what he can provide, becomes less important. In a new relationship suddenly he matters again.
5. Sex
Speaking of fun activities, men generally do want sex and the more the better. Sex is one way that men feel connected to their partner. Men also feel appreciated and wanted when they have sex with their partner. So for men, sex provides the first four items on our list plus physical pleasure that allows men to focus totally on the present moment. In a new relationship the sex tends to be a lot more frequent. At least initially!
So what’s the answer?
When a man thinks about cheating it’s likely that he’s not happy about the relationship he’s in and/or that something is missing. What also seems to happen is that men feel victimized by their relationship and believe they have no power to influence a change. “If only she would …” is often a refrain that many married men espouse and yet they say nothing to their partner. Or complain that when they try, she just doesn’t listen.
Sure there’s a part that the partner plays in all this but I’m talking about the male side of the equation and what the man can do to find what he’s looking for within his relationship.
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