I beg u, 9ja girls and boys...HELP ME! i need some advices :(((

I know i wrote a lot... but PLEASE, read!!!


I am sara, 22 years. I`ve been in a relationship with a 9ja boy for like..10 months
We live in Europe..but for now..different towns coz of our universities. We used to see each other every 2 weeks. Everythin was perfect!I thought he is perfect! I loved him and i still do..so much.

One day..we were still in a relationship..i found out that he cheated on me (probably not only once). I wanted to break up, but he started to cry, regret, say he is sorry...anyway..he really felt bad about it..and i said..ok, since i love him, i should forgive. we all do mistakes.
We decided after a while to get married..and we did. this summer on 17 july.
After few days...he was out in town to do some stuff and his facebook account was logged on. i said...hmm..let`s check for fun. I never before checked his phone, accounts, anything! i trusted him blind!
And i found...a lot of messages he sent to other girls..compliments, he was tryin to date them... last message i guess it stopped in the period i found out he was cheatin.
I was never gealous...but i started to go crazy when he says..he is goin clubbin or out..coz he was always tellin me aaa am goin with the boys..drink.. bla bla. (this only when skool starts...and we don`t stay together anymore). of course..we need to have fun...but later i discovered that he was like...Casanova...hookin up with girls in the club.

As i was sayin...we got married. I think i never got over the fact that he cheated on me...while he was lookin into my eyes...sayin am the woman of his dreams and he will never ever cheat on me.
I trusted him blind...but now i don`t. And is hard to move on like this. we just started our marriage...and we had a lot of problems. He didn`t cheat again i think...but i go crazy thinkin of the fact that in autumn...he will go back to his town...and maybe do same things.

He said no way, now we got married, its something different.
I know he loves me..but in the same time...he loves to have fun, drink...girls i suppose.

How can i get over it and trust him again??? How do u girls, do it??? How do u handle your man? coz the rate of divorce for interracial couples is almost...100%
but same race...they mostly succed.
SO I BEG U...teach me how to handle my man...coz i love him and i want our marriage to work.

Is it the end of the world if he cheated???
Tell me more about your mentality and how u see things...

Besides..due to our different mentality...and how we were grown...we have some other few issues.

1. for example...he has to do smth...he is going out with business. he tells me..i shouldn`t stress him with calls, or asking every hour when is he commin..he aint out for fun..so..when he will be back...he will be back.
 For him...maybe is normal. But for me...it means this is a lack of respect. how can i not know/ask when my huisband is comming home???

2. if he is browsing...and doin stuff..or workin on pc... he can do it for hours.. while he doesn`t pay so much attention to me.
me- u are ignoring me....and start a drama
him- can`t u see i am workin? is it like am watchin tv and don`t talk to u.

offfffffff....and not only.
we both know we are different...we both know we need to find a middle way...we know what we have to do and change...STILL...no matter how much we approach the middle way...we never get ON it. still a distance from it.

How do u succeed in your marriage? How do u treat your man? for me..i think i`ve done everythin in my power...i take care of him, i cook even 3 times a day, or midnight if he wants to. (me, that was the type who never cooked before). o do housework, i am smart, i love him, i am pretty, i love fashion and i always dress well...i go clubbin...after maybe bein in the kitchen whole saturday.
I am tryin to be as complex as i can. Not to let him want smth in a woman that i cannot do.

How do u girls treat your man? to always make him come after u..and only see u?
how do u react when he is pissin u off or when he does smth u don`t like...

dunno...please just tell me how to handle a 9ja boy...
teach me HOW TO THINK LIKE U.
coz if i get to think like a nigerian woman...we have more chances to succed, right???

Posted: at 25-08-2010 08:52 AM (13 years ago) | Upcoming

So complicated, dear!So complicated!
I'm sorry for what are you going through!
In this kind of relationships, if u can compromise Big time,it will resist,
but if not.....impossible!

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Posted: at 25-08-2010 09:20 AM (13 years ago) | Hero

i will really appreciate. thanx a lot!

Posted: at 25-08-2010 09:42 AM (13 years ago) | Upcoming

Well - the truth on this might be too harsh to say .... Not good to hurt anyone, but Id just say sit down and have a good conversation, maybe that could help

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Posted: at 25-08-2010 10:11 AM (13 years ago) | Gistmaniac

Hmmmmmmm, I took time to read through, because I saw this as straight from the heart..........

African men are mostly polygamous in nature....if you check, you will find out that we have less divorce cases in Africa nay Nigeria than in Europe and America.  It is not because our men dont cheat, it is because most of the women have conditioned their mind to accept that as part of their men.  But I refuse to accept that our men are insensitive to the needs of their women.  Rather, Nigerian men do care for their women in anyway possible.  I think you both need to really talk.  And you might need to be less possessive, our men dont like to be crowded in.  Just tell yourself that your man is not cheating on you, then you can have your peace of mind.  It takes two to make any relationship work, if he doesnt know that, maybe you should let him know..........

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Posted: at 25-08-2010 10:30 AM (13 years ago) | Hero

i dont have time reading a lenghty story like this but u caught my attention b/c u pleaded first b4 starting ur story. there are no laid down rules on how to treat a man...you both are still young and are students so its not gonna be easy. u have a huge task ahead, u need to be and have to be very patient gurl, dats if u want ur marriage to work. i suggest u go see a marriage counsellor (go alone first, then u can convince him to join u).
it hurts so much to be betrayed but u need to forgive and forget, it may be difficult but try. as u said, keep trusting him blindly even if his acts makes u think otherwise, u have to give a blind eye to somethings... dont check his phone calls and other stuffs. give him space when he wants one. try to be very understanding, always act as if everything is fine. study him more, talk serious issues with him when he's happy, since he loves u, he will listen to u. be a good listener and talk when its necessary. i think ur man hasnt realised the fact that he's married, moreso, he has mor single friends & dis wont help either. U alone cant do it, he needs to put in effort as well.
i wish u goodluck.

Posted: at 25-08-2010 10:32 AM (13 years ago) | Gistmaniac

thank u guys  and girls divineproject and jukkiebukwes for takin your time and reply to me.
i find ur advices very useful...especially the one..."African men are mostly polygamous in nature"
so now i understand that for african men..cheatin aint somethin so bad. and this doesn`t mean he doesn`t love u or is smth wrong with u.
it will be hard to accept..but i will do my best. coz for us..we`ve been taught smth like...if a mean cheat, he will do it again. that`s lack of love and respect. men that cheat should never marry.
he is puttin effort in makin things work as well... and yes..i think i should give him more space.and be more understanding
i really appreciate. for sure...further advices are very very welcome...

Posted: at 25-08-2010 10:48 AM (13 years ago) | Upcoming

I know how U feel, but are U sure this guy really Loves U? or are U the one that love him? If U answer my question then I will know what to say. Though most men no matter how old they are, they love having fun, and by their nature they are polygamous. Find time to gether and let him reason along with U as U tell him how U feel about his attititude towards U; if he really loves U he will not do a thing that will hurt U.  Please dont leave God out of this ~ pray for Ur home/marriage it works.

Posted: at 25-08-2010 11:07 AM (13 years ago) | Gistmaniac

jst take time out t no each oda's do's and dont's

Posted: at 25-08-2010 11:13 AM (13 years ago) | Newbie

I disagree with Divine Project Comments. Stating that African men are mostly polygamous in nature. Individuality matters in this case. What i love may be hate by others. Stop giving excuses for the guyz action. Let call a spade a spade. Don't Condemn Our culture.

It is wrong traditionally, biblically and psychologically having relationship out of a marriage and i think as an educated man, he should be able to create a peaceful lovely home.

It is not about Nigerian Guyz or European Girls or any other one you might have in mind, It is about what we have, learn, emulate and practice individually. do not allow a shit as a way. Talk to him as your husband without considering differences in race or culture.

 

Posted: at 25-08-2010 11:23 AM (13 years ago) | Gistmaniac