Alone!
It sounds terrible! We've been dumped, abandoned, left and bereft. How do we cope? Better yet, how do we get back to the business of being happy as quickly as possible?
• STEP ONE: Don't hold in or deny the feelings of pain and loss
Let's face it. It isn't easy. As a matter of fact, having our hearts broken feels like major surgery - a piece of ourselves has been cut out and we are left open and bleeding, only, empty, and miserable.
We lose our appetite, binge eat, drink too much, lose sleep, grieve, cry, rage, withdraw, scream and carry on in general. Actually, while self-destructing only makes things worse, emotional release does make us feel better, at least temporarily.
Not recommendable is the stiff upper lip, "everything's fine" attitude. This type of charade only prolongs pain, since, if we keep everything inside, unfortunately, that's where it stays.
• STEP TWO: Lean on a good friend
Most beneficial is to utilize the support of a close friend, one who understands and is prepared to fulfill the unwritten contract that says, "Be there when I need you!"
This is when you need that friend, even if it means spontaneous calls, texts, visits, or camping out at his/her house on a lonely evening. There is absolutely no virtue to suffering alone and in silence, unless of course, you wish to be nominated for sainthood.
Friends remind us that we are likable, intelligent, interesting and still desirable. They help put our pain in perspective and remind us that, regardless of our present loss, we are still worthy of being loved.
STEP THREE: Practice Optimism
Attitude is everything.
Research shows that those who are taught optimism as children; that is, who learn early on to see disappointment merely as one stage in the evolution of growth and change, handle these situations more gracefully. If an old toy broke, Mommy probably bought us a new one to replace the broken plaything. Basically, eventually, something better came along to take its place. Understanding even catastrophic loss in these terms increases our ability to transcend temporary setbacks.
Optimism is Aided by Pampering
Confident that our anguish is finite, pampering ourselves lavishly during the recovery period becomes easier once we have understood that whether it is a broken toy or a broken relationship, something better is bound to come along sooner or later.
Stay in bed, read mysteries, splurge on that makeover, go to the expensive salon that you've been telling yourself you couldn't afford.
Optimisim is Boosted by Positive Activity
Have a maid service clean your house, get out of town for the weekend, go to that spa, exercise furiously (it relieves tension).
Basically, do all those things you've been putting off forever because you've been so obsessed and enamored that you haven't had time.
Optimism is Greatly Enhanced by Imagery
Imagery helps enormously. Picture your "ex" fifty pounds heavier and miserable, while you leap joyfully through a field of daisies or blissfully sail off into the sunset.
Resist the temptation to retaliate.
Remember that happiness is the best revenge.
STEP FOUR: Take Your Time
Don't feel pressured to rush desperately back into the dating world. Rebuild your social life slowly. Networking through friends is safest, and above all, see potential new relationships casually for a while before getting physically involved.
Don't call and hang up. Don't drive by his/her house. Don't call crying at three a.m. because you're lonely, and above all, resist the temptation to get physically involved with your "ex." Like any addiction, even to another person, each contact only prolongs the process of letting go.
Finally, remember your self-esteem has been tarnished and needs polishing.
Use this transitional period to rediscover your own worth and the strength of your inner being. Your time alone can be an opportunity for reflection, freedom, and self-discovery.
Each ending carries with it the seed of a new beginning.
This faith in our own empowerment enables us to recreate our own lives and energizes us to transform our reality.
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