Back in the days at Onitsha, i stayedbehind Mallam osumanu's house.
Mallam osumanu had this fine daughter Ramatu.
Ramatu was sooo pretty i couldnt resist her so i had to propose to her.
I proposed to her finally but she told me she couldnt date a christian.."shittz!!" i thought, erected and left..
PART TWO
Now, when i realised i couldnt get this hot babe for " dinner" i consultedmy good friend pele.
Pele gave me a master plan.
I knew Ramatu always sat under thatbig acacia tree beside their house to pound yam.
With the aid of friends and sympathizers , i dug a huge pit underthe chair under the tree, scraped a whole through the chair and covered the pit with roofing sheets, dry leaves and sand.
i did it sooo cleverly that, you wouldnt notice it. I rushed to the drug store to get myself 50 packs ofVIAGRA, dont ask me what for. . .
PART THREE
IT was evening and ramatu came under the tree to pound yam.My rod was already inside the hole soooooooooo hard.
she sat right on it, omg it was soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo sweeeeeeeeeeeeet . she began moaning and felt very sleepy.i did it like i was maaaaaaad.Ramatu's mother noticed her asleep and asked" why are you sleeping ramatu?" she replied "mama i have exams to write tommorrow so i need to sleep now tokeep vigil tonight"
PART FOUR
Now this went on and on and on but Ramatu never knew i was the one behind her excitements.
Anytime she saw me in town, she wouldnt even greet me and all that.
so one hoooooooooot afternoon, Ramatu came under the tree to pound yam.
She sat on my thing, and i began theto and fro movement.
this time she was enjoying it too much so she fell asleep and left the yam unpounded.she was almost in coma.
Her mother was sooo angry when she came to the scene.
She insulted and beat up Ramatu for sleeping and drove her off the seat though Ramatu was reluctant at first.
Her mother, Mrs osumanu then sat on the seat to pound it herself. .
PART FIVE
Now mrs osumanu sat firmly on my thing.
i began the to an fro.
she was speechless for a while.
Ramatu was watching jelously and murmuring.
mrs Osumanu started moaning " Ramatu thats why you dey,sleep ooo" she said this several times and Ramatu was very angry at her mum.60 minutes later, mrs Osumanuleft and there was a quarrel between her and Ramatu.
I went there after gone to change myself to ask why they were quarreling and they all said it was a small familymatter, so i left. .
PART SIX
Now one hot afternoon, Ramatu returned from school.
There was some yam to be pounded, she went for them eager to come and pound but just as she was aboutto leave the kitchen, her mum grabbed the yam from her and shouted " didnt you see someone is ready to pound these yams?"
This started a quarrel.
They quarreled and fought and quarreled over who must pound the yam till Papa Osumanu himself arrived home.
" why are u quarreling with Ramatu?" he inquired
There was no answer and from there,there was complete silence.
I was eagerly waiting in the pit for my "lunch"
Before i realised, there was someoneon the seat.
i began smiling in the pit and moved my "rod" through the whole.
But it hit one hard thing, " snake!!!"Papa osumanu got up from the seat and yelled.
i came out from my pit and took to my heels. Papa osumanu tried giving me a chase, but i was too fast, he fell on the ground.
PART SEVEN
Now two months later, i was passing by the Osumanu's house and noticed something strange.
Ramatu was pregnant.
mrs Osumanu was also pregnant."wow!, these are my babies" i thought.
But how do i claim Them? since nobody knew i was the one behind all the "pounding escapades"
i consulted the oracle at Onitscha and the oracle told me if i wanted thebabies, i must bring two testes of a tortoise, a monkey's rib, one live crocodile, my landlord's early morning urine and two bottles of shnapps.
it kept me wondering. .
PART EIGHT
Now i left the oracle, and for two weeks, i still couldnt get some of theitems the fetish priest asked me to get.So i went back to him and told him.He suddenly got up from his seatand yelled at me "you either go and bring those items or you go madddd!!!".I was shivering, soooooooooooooooo much scared.where would i get testes of a tortoise, a monkey's rib, a live crocodile, and all that.so i told him i was no longer interested in claiming the babies any longer but he again yelled "you must get the babies nowwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!"
i was so so so so frightened, so i again asked him if i couldnt pay everything in cash and he replied"now you are talking" He brought out one big leaf which he said was the calculator of the gods, made some incantations and said everything would cost 5000naira.I begged for a reduction so he did his incantations again to beg the gods to reduce the amount.When he finished he told me the gods had been angered by the reduction request so they had increased it to 10 000 naira.WTF!! lipsrsealed
i fainted. . . .. . . ..
RAMATU PART NINE
Now hours later, i regained conciousness and finally agreed to pay the said sum to the gods.
Ileft for the house and was thinking how to raise the 10000 naira.
i finally had an idea.
In the night, when it was around 11pm, i tip-toed to baba issa's pen.Baba issa had sooooooo many goats with odour.I looked through and saw this faaaaaaaaaaat one which was bow-legged.i grabbed it bythe left leg and wanted to bleat so i wrapped my hankerchief and put it inits mouth.it was very heavy, i managed to carry it to my house.
Next day, i heard an announcement that a goat was missing.I went to baba issa's compound and lots of people converged there expressing their worries and sympathy about thetheft.one man uncle mike saw me and asked "have you heard about thetheft?" i said " oh!, hmmm, na only Allah go punish whoever stole this goat ooo".i expressed my condolenseto baba issa and left.That same day, i saw a poster on the street with the missing goat's picture with an inscription "missing, find him and geta handsome reward".I laghed throughout the night.
Now when it was 11 pm, i left my house again and tip-toed to baba issah's pen with my sack and torchlight.
i looked through well well and saw another fiiiiiiiiine goat.
i grabbed it by the legs, it was bow-legged, covered its mouth and pushed it into my sack.
RAMATU PART 10
Now within three days, i had stolen seven goats from baba issa's pen and was still thirsty for more.
so as usual, it was 11pm and i took my sack and left for baba issa's pen.
it was until i got to the site that i realised i had left my torchlight in the house.
i decided to forget about it and makeway for my 8th booty.
i looked through the pen and saw blurred images of various goats.i spotted an unusually fat one so did the sign of cross and entered the pen.
i grabbed it and carried it on my headsince it was toooooooooooo fat.
the moment i stepped out of the pen i experienced one haaaaaaaaaaaard sharp slap on my right cheek so i dropped the booty.it was a human being i was carrying.
my body's temperature rose abnormally so i took to my heels withthe guy giving me one hooooooooot chase.
i was sweating like a pregnant fish and the guy was still chasing me with usual chants "thief, thiefoooo!!!, thief, thief " waking up everybody to join me in the chase
PART 11
Now almost everybody in the vicinity was awake chasing.
they finally caught me, and i swear i cant forget the beatings that night grin
one guy i felt his punches soooooooooo much was pozo, the painter.The only good news about the beating was that, because it wasdark nobody really recognised me.
i was sooooo weak and tired so fell unto the ground and pretended to be dead,.this made them hold on for a bit and by the time they realised, i took to my heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeels
RAMATU PART 12
now soon it was morning, so i headedstraight for my mirror and looked at myself.gosh, i was no different from a boxer that had been knocked down in the 6th round.
i already was hearing discussions from the compound about how a thiefwas caught in baba issa's house.my landlord oga lukeman was sooo excited about the news "but why demno kill am," he kept screaming "you want make them kill your papa?" i thought
hours later, i stepped out of my roomto go get a bath.now when everyone saw my deformed and miserable state, they wondered.oga lukeman querried "bin, since when did you become eppileptic?" "na u sabbi ooo!"i reply am
after taking my bath, i headed staight to the oracle as i had gotten the 10 000 naira price.
everybody that saw me on the way couldnt recognise me because i was deformed via the beatings.
soon i was at the oracle and the priest was wearing an unusual frown.he said the gods were angry due to the delay. . .
RAMATU PART 13
so i knelt down n apologized to the gods so they accepted my offer.the priest made some incantations n gave me some powder n said "go to their house now n claim your babies" i was so excited, so i made straight for the osumanus house.i saw so many people converged in the house,so i asked wat was happening when one albino guy told me ramatu and her mum had both had a miscarriage!
i fainted.i woke up the next day at the hospital with my friend pele sitting beside me.
RAMATU PART 14
Now pele gave me the news that mrsOsumanu had kicked the bucket and papa Osumanu too had kicked the bucket after fainting.
Ramatu was the only surviving member of the family though she also miscarried.
the news made me very very sad, though my "thing was very hard and standing"
Pele came from the doctor's room and said my bill was 1500 naira, my GoD HOW WOULD I PAY.. .
In the afternoon, when pele had gonehome, a nurse entered my ward and was just moving around.
i looked left, looked right, grabbed her , pushed her unto my sick bed and forcibly "gave it to her" grin
At first she was crying "please stop what u r doing, please stop what you r doing " but when i began stopping she changed her cry to "please do what you are stopping, please do what you are stopping" she enjoyed it soooo much that she fell asleep.
i removed her dress and put it on
RAMATU PART 15
Now because of the nurse's attire i was wearing, i escaped from the hospital without paying the bills.
i remember giving one hoooot slap tothe old security officer who tried to interrogate me.
i was getting close to my house when i spotted a painter on a ladder climbing to the fourth floor of a six-story building.
i finally recognised him.it was pozo the painter who gave me some hoot slaps the other night.
i shook the ladder several times and finally saw him descending from the skies crying out loud grin
He hit the ground and i saw his skull splitting into pieces.
i looked right, looked left, there was no one coming so i took to my heels.
RAMATU PART 16
I woke up next morning and the whole of Onitsha was mourning.
mr and mrs osumanu were all dead.Pozo the painter was also gone.
People kept speculating the cause ofpozo's death.
i was thinking about what to do to the priest who had taken my money and still couldnt get me my babies.
i finally devised a plan.
i sharpened my machette and made for the oracle,.when i got there, the priest was eating egusi and pounded yam.the moment he saw me he smiled and said "hey, my son you arewelcome ooooo"
i removed my machette and he took to his heels. i gave him one hooot chase with my machette. . . .
RAMATU PART 17
STill chasing the fraudster(priest) with my machette , i just saw one okada knock him down.i retreated straight to the oracle.i entered the secret room and saw the scary looking object revered as god.it was a carved wood with a black painting.i carried it into my bag, pissed all overthe place n left for the house.
soon i was in my ròom so i pushed the bag under my bed n rested on the carpet. it was around 2pm and i slept.i had a dream where i was being pursued by so many dogs.
RAMATU PART 18
One dog finally caught me.it chewed off all my nyansh and kpekus.it was about time for the scary looking dog to eat my nyansh when i woke up.i was sweating and panting, i checked the clock and it was 8pm.all of a sudden, i heard a noise from under my bed, "take me back, take me back, take me back".i hurriedly jumped off my bed and rushed out ofthe room with full momentum.it was after i stepped out of the room i realised i was Unclad and erect
RAMATU PART 19
The noise from under my bed woke everybody up on the compound.My landlord oga lukeman also came out wearing just boxer shorts.they all asked me why i was running at that time but i only asked them to enter my room and see for themselves.Totaling about 20 peopleall entered my room, and they could stay for even a minute, they all began screaming and attempted escaping, but a stampede occured atthe door and almost everyone was onthe floor.funny enough, i saw my landlord oga lukeman lying helplesslyon the wife of the plumber.oga lukeman though was scared and crying yet was moving his waist up and down
RAMATU PART 20
It was getting to 12 o'clock midnight, and a crowd had convergedat the house.They all could hear the sound coming from my room, "take me back, take me back, take me back" this time with echo.it was then a guy claiming to be a man of God devoted himself to go and get whatever was making that noise,.He brought out his bible, spoke some tongues and entered my room.Most women amongst the crowd were praying.till then i realised i was still erect and at this time i was having serious abdominal pains.two minutes later. .
RAMATU PART 21
Now two minutes after the man of God had been in my room, we heard sounds of slaps, "ppa!, ppaaa!!, ppppaaaaaa!!!!". . then we saw the guy zooming out of the room with fullspeed crying and screaming "chinekeei!, chinekei!!, amadioha save mee ooo. . ."
the self-acclaimed pastor's athletismand pace prompted every one on the compound to run away, of course i was the first to escape.
Though i was scared to the bone, mylips were still beaming with smiles asi was laughing at the pastor and my landlord who fell off trying to run casof his pot belly.
Nobody slept that night for the scareof the sound coming from my room.what i failed to understand wasthe fact that i was still erect
RAMATU PART 22
I kept vigil with my friend pele throughout the night till it was morning.My Attention was more intense now and was paining me.
It was there Pele suggested he knew one powerful medicineman at cotonou who could cure my Attentiondisorder, but we had no money.
Then we devised a plan.
We went out to where the mosque was.We saw muslims in the mosque bowing to praise Allah.At the doorstep of the mosque was about 200 pairs of sandals.it belonged to the worshippers since they were not allowed to enter the mosque with footwear .Pele and i packed all the sandals into our sack and took to ourheels.Not long after we began running, we saw the muslims comingout of the mosque, spotting us and giving us a hooooooooot chase. . .
RAMATU PART 23
It was scary because the muslims were fast, but i proved that day i hadolympic gold potentials.We run and run and run till we out-paced the angry muslims who needed their sandals' badly with chants of"worlahi!!.". "allah!" "chei!!".
We came across this taxi which we hopped into with our booty.Pele sat at the front with the sack and i was in the back where i spotted this blind hunchback reading a book titled"hunchbacks and rituals"
NOT long after we joined the taxi, then BBBBBBAAMMMMM!!!!. . .
RAMATU PART 24
A truck had crashed into our taxi.Ourdriver died on the spot.I saw pele also very badly injured with all his front teeth removed, i was laughing, because i was not that hurt.Then i saw rescuers enter our taxi to help us get out.They brought out pele andthe deceased taxi driver.I checked onthe driver's seat and spotted some naira notes, i quickly grabbed them and stuffed them into my pocket.
The rescuers brought out the hunchback and they thought the accident had given him that hunchback so they were going to stretch him to become normal when he cried out nasally " na so i be oo abeg dont stretch me eeeeee!!" i wasfull of lafta
WATCH OUT FOR RAMATU PART 25.. . . .. . . . . .
RAMATU PART 25
The rescuers wouldnt take any of that from the poor hunchback, but still went ahead to stretch him violently and soon i heard a loud rhythmic fart with echo coming from the abled anus of the hunchback, therescuers suddenly dropped him to the ground and took to their heels.Soon, houseflies, bluebottles, bees and other violent flies engulfed the scene, as i covered my nostrils tightly to block the repugnant stenchfrom entering my nostrils.It was theni realised i was still erect. .this time even harder.
Soon i spotted the angry muslims chanting war songs heading towards my area so i set off in Usain Bolt style, with the sack containing their sandals firmly in my grips.
RAMATU PART 26
The muslims were now closer to me than ever when i saw an albino heading towards mee on his bicycle.Whilst riding past me, i pushed him off his bike, took charge of it and rode like i was maaaad.I rode and rode and rode and before i realised, i was at the Lagos airpot."oh my God" i thought.I saw one giant aeroplane with the inscription "VIRGIN NIGERIA".I saw people in ques trooping into the aeroplane.I hurriedly joined them, and soon i was inside the plane, without anyone asking me a word.i suddenly heard a lady's voice, that we must tighten our seat belts as the plane was about to take off. . ..
RAMATU PART 27
It was there and then i asked a white lady sitting close to me where we were going, to which she replied"AMERICA".I did the sign of cross then i could feel the plane moving.Just as the plane moved, i spotted one big grasscutter with speed cross over where i was seated, i got up and gave it a hooooot chase inside the plane.Everyone on board in shock was looking at me.I saw the grasscutter hop into the skirt of one fine babe, i stretched off my hand into the babe's skirt and caught the grasscutter.i removed my belt, tied it around the grass-cutter's neck andhanged it till it died.
RAMATU PART 28
I could hear lots of peeps on the flight murmuring, cursing and all that.I saw one lady who was dressed like a waitress on the plane, so i bave her the grasscutter to go and roast it for me.she took it and left.
it was just after this that two well built guys holding pistols asked everyone on the flight to say their last prayers and that they were suicide bombers.They quickly releseda few gunshots into roof and everyone was shaking.It was at the same time we heard an announcement that, the pilot was having his eppileptic attack so everyone must pray hard.
RAMATU PART 29
I could hear many screaming, others praying but i was just erect and shivering.I crawled on the floor into the pilots room to take charge of theplane which was already at the vergeof crashing.I saw the pilot who had had an eppileptic attack's miserable body in the room with foam all over his mouth.I gave him two dirty slaps and then decided to pilot the plane myself.Try as i could, i could not do anything.Luckily, i spotted two parachutes, i took both, through the windows i gently descended down theplane with a much harder Attention coupled with series of farts. . . grin
RAMATU PART 30
I finally touched down and i found myself in a very strange place.It wasa shrine.I saw the fetish priest, very old and tattered .He asked me my mission in his shrine and i told him the story.He promised he could cure my erectionn disorder, but i will have to pay him.I told him i had no money so we came to a compromise that, i will stay in the shrine and work for him for one year when he healed me of the erecttion fever.He told me to cure my errection, i had to bleep his godess, who was half-human, half snake.i fainted!!!
RAMATU PART 31
So early the next morning, i the fetish priest woke me up and marched me straight to the godess' room, and true to his words, she washalf-woman half snake.I was trembling by her or should i say its sight alone.My fear came to its peak when the scary goddess screamed"come!!!!, my darling come!!!!!!!" i almost fell into a coma-ic faint, but i still mustered courage and went to it. . .
RAMATU PART 32
I began the to and fro and mhen, it was soooo sweeeeet!!!
The other problem was, though i had covered both nostrils, i still couldnt hold the odour.The godess was damnsmelling so i would spit occasionally.
The scary goddess reminded me so much of ramatu.
Before i realised it was already evening and i had already done 56 rounds and the dirty scary godess was still screaming "more!!, more!!! more!!!!! more!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
i fainted twice all of a sudden and erected haard.
RAMATU PART 33
I woke up next morning in the priest,s room who had a huge frown on his face.He said the godess said i had impressed her so she wanted to marry me!!I wanted to faint, but faintwouldnt come.
So i wa s locked up with the dirty Godess' in that room for 30 days.
It was after these 30 days of intensive to and fro movement that the priest called me into his room and told me the goddess had missed her period, and that it/she was pregnant for me, WTF!!!
One thing i was thankful for was the fact that, my errection problem was gone, but i was now as lean as the number 1
RAMATU PART 34
So in the afternoon, the priest and i were in the goddes' room.
The goddess was wearing a gown and i was given suits to wear.
The priest said "do you bin, take the godess as your lovely wedded wife?"
before i could say i do, the smell in the room changed, as if an animal had died and gotten rotten there.
So i covered my nostrils, and spat thrice, but it was there that, the priest told me angrily "dont you dare do that again!!, dont you know that's a holy fart by the godess?" i immediately pissed all over my body
RAMATU PART 35
So the priest still wearing a frown, said again "do you bin take the godess as your lovely wedded wife?"
. . ."i do " i replied nasally.
Then the priest further said "now youmay kiss your bride "
Out of fear, i moved my lips close to the godess' lips when i saw maggotscoming out from her mouth.Her mouth was also damn smelling like Mogul's anus, worlahi!!.
So i immediately moved back, spat again angrily and screamed " pppppoahh!!, you nor dey brush your teeth??!!!"
The priest got angry and started making some incantations.
I soon found myself bleeting.
I had been turned to a ram
RAMATU PART 36
In full gear, i jumped out of the shrine still bleating"mbeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerererer!!!"
i soon found a flock of sheep eating grass on a school field.
ijoined and chopped grass for the first time.
It was sweet
Later i saw some of the ram"climbing" some of the "ewe"
My "thing" became hard, and i spotted one hot ewe.
i quickly "climbed it" and oh, i had never felt like that before.
i was glad to be a sheep
In all i did 7 rounds
watch out for Part 37
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